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To the survivors who hid their wounds and built something beautiful out of the destruction
“In all the world, there is no heart for me like yours. In all the world, there is no love for you like mine.”
It was supposed to be a simple kiss, but it’s not. It’s an awakening. It’s a million bolts of electricity reviving a stalled heart. It’s a montage of a thousand lifetimes spent in a million reckless, beautiful ways. It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and, though I have no way of knowing this for sure, my biggest mistake.
“What’s not like me?” “Going along to get along.”
“You don’t let other people’s choices influence
yours, Mal. You might not want to admit it to yourself, but you chose dare because you wanted to, not because every o...
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and I still value the role she played in helping me realize the ways stability and routine can help you live with the monsters you can’t slay.
The urge to move until every muscle in my body, including my brain, is too wrung out to do anything let alone replay the scene of my mother’s death until I’m nauseous and angry and wondering if I ever woke up at all, had me picking up my phone and sending out a few texts to see who was up.
To be held in his imploring gaze makes me feel like I’ve been dipped in a warm bath of whiskey and honey.
The sound, which is totally not the right word for what’s happening in Chris’ chest, strikes a chord deep inside me. It winds its way through me, slipping under my skin and weaving through my bloodstream, curling up along every nerve ending that’s linked to my system, and I freeze. Literally.
In public, Mallory Kent is strong, focused, capable. She doesn’t break down. She doesn’t let the ghosts of her past creep into her present and wipe away all the progress she’s made. She doesn’t give her power to anyone.
Obligation over choice. Purpose over passion. Legacy over love.
I want to choose a partner that’s right for me at a time that’s right for me, not for the family.”
“No. You’ve had four years, Christopher. Four years to make your own choices and as far as I can tell the only thing you’ve chosen to do is fuck everything that moves while I keep your best and only option open. And don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my share of women, but every dog has to learn how to come home when called.”
“Blessings don’t usually come with strings attached.”
To be quite honest, I’m not sure that knowing would be any better. I mean, of course, I’d know, but knowledge isn’t always power. Sometimes it’s a life-sucking force. Sometimes it’s a tornado that you can’t avoid, a train wreck you can’t look away from. A car crash you can’t stop no matter how hard you hit the brakes.
The girl who always has such a tight grip on her life that no one bothers to look to see if she’s falling apart on the inside.
That’s who I am now. Not the naive girl Trent knew. Not the gullible friend Tasha had. Not the depressed sister who spent the two weeks following her rape in bed pretending to have the flu. It only took Eric one of those to figure out that something else was up, and he pressed me for answers. Pleaded with me to share my burden. To tell him what happened between me and Tasha at her house, which is where I lied and told him and Mama I was going to be. Only once did he ask if something happened with Trent, but I denied it so quickly, so vehemently, he let it go completely.
“I think desires can be born out of any circumstance, good, bad, or ugly, and still be valid representations of the things we want for ourselves.
The source of the desire doesn’t matter so much as what we do with the dream it sparks in us.”
That night with Trent had sparked all sorts of desires in me, chief among them, the desire to break my world down into tiny, manageable parts. To sort everything into boxes marked black and white and do away with anything that didn’t make the cut. That’s why I like business so much. Everything is simple, br...
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She’s an exquisite, perfect thing. With all her secrets and half-truths and anxious habits that make me want to make all her problems go away.
tasted her fear. Identified it as the thing keeping her from being the woman who sighed with relief and gave herself over to me when I pressed my lips to hers.
“People always think they want the truth until you give it to them. Once you do that, they never look at you the same. It’s all sad eyes, pitiful glances, and empty words that don’t help. But you already know that, don’t you, Chris? That’s why no one here knows about your mom. That’s why you hide the demons that keep you up at night behind a big smile and bury the rest of it inside whatever girl finds her way into your bed.”
“It tells me that he never cared enough to see you, Mal, and when he did see you, he made you feel like your feelings weren’t important. Like they didn’t matter more than his. Is that what it was like between you two? His wants, needs, and feelings always overriding yours?”
“Every time I made a wish, I wished to be a princess. And I’m talking waking up the next day in a castle with a fine ass prince at my beck and call and tiaras and ball gowns for days.” “A princess? How original.”
and I guess that’s the relief I anticipated feeling when Chris offered to listen to my problems on the way to Mama’s party that day.
No, it’s not just relief, it’s the first breath after being submerged in water. When your lungs are so greedy for air they expand and expand and expand until they’re well past their full size and still trying to grow. When they swell with the
“Mallory, as long as we’re doing this,” he gestures between the two of us, “I can promise you that you won’t see or hear about me being with anyone else. All of my time, attention, and affection is yours.”
Our lips move together, and there’s not even a second of awkwardness or hesitancy, just magic. Sparks flying. Electricity pulsing.
Tongues colliding and
retreating in a carnal dance that speaks of hunger and desire and soul-deep yearning that has no place...
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phone. My chest burns, a fire sparked inside of me because of her beauty.
Because this is what I signed up for. A public relationship, where nothing is, or ever will be, private, sacred, and just for us.
I was mesmerized by her. Drawn in by her beauty and held hostage by the serious frown tugging her lips down into a pretty pout while she waited for Eric to get his key from
Now, I know there’s more to her than that—a girl who dreams and jokes and makes wishes to become a princess when she was born to be queen—and knowing that all of that is there inside of her, makes her ability to shift and compartmentalize that much more impressive.
I think I recognized that in her that first day. Her determination and strength. It signaled to me, called to the part of me that won’t stop, won’t rest, won’t yield to any outside forces threatening to derail it from achieving its goals.
them all. And that’s exactly how I have been feeling. Secure. Guarded. It pissed me off and prompted me to take my safety and well-being into my own hands. To come back to this place where I first found my power and reclaim it as my own. Everything was going great. Weeks have passed with me fitting in classes during the days and evenings when Chris and I don’t have plans.
It takes a while to climb out of that space, to rid your brain of the chemicals that rush through your body while you’re in the midst of simulated danger, and I don’t think I’ll be able to keep where I am mentally from Chris.
Clearly, our relationship isn’t the deterrent we thought it would be, but I’m more than happy to adjust, to allow it to be a catalyst, moving us towards the kind of closure the broken girl who froze when she should have fought, who stayed silent when she should have screamed, could have never imagined.
Screaming silently that walking around without even a flicker of uncertainty where a man—any man, really, but especially one who can charm the panties off a nun with a single smile that, these days, he only gives to you—is concerned is a stupid thing to do. But I don’t feel stupid, I just feel excited and open. Capable of taking care of myself but also comfortable in the knowledge that I don’t have to do it alone. For right now.
I feel like I’m floating, walking on a cloud made up of all the parts of myself I thought would be lost to me forever.
Not even caring she won’t give me an answer because being around her is
one of my favorite pastimes. Doesn’t matter where we’re going or what we’re doing, if Mallory is involved, I’m there.
Her peace of mind. Her safety. Her constant presence in my life.
“It’s eighty thousand dollars, of course, it means something to me. Not more than you though. A car can easily be replaced, but a person”—I let the words hang in the air, fighting back the urge to say ‘especially if that person is you’— “a person isn’t.”
My heart aches for that young girl who didn’t know any better, who couldn’t be bothered to consider what she was missing because she was in love.
My heart recognizes him before my mind does, and there’s a part of me, a very loud part, screaming for me to turn around and go the other way. The other part, the part that’s been training and waiting for him to do exactly what he’s doing right now, is giving me strength. Fortifying me.
“stay with me. I know you don’t need me to fight your battles, but I need you to do this for me. I need you to stay here, so I can know that you’re safe.”
“No.” He frowns. “You, princess. Your happiness. Your safety. Your well-being. I take it all very seriously.”
