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Started reading
May 26, 2025
Whenever we become attached in these ways to someone or something, we become detached from ourselves.
That person can talk about nothing else, can think of nothing else.
They relate whatever you say, no matter how unrelated it actually is, to the object of their obsession.
Something reminds you of a past event.
it may be that our relationship completely derives from the past trauma we each created for each other
But anxiety hangs in there.
are feeling. You don’t know what you were thinking. You’re not even sure what you should do, but oh my God, you should do something! And fast!
At least we’ve got something to do if we’re obsessing or controlling. For various reasons, codependents tend to attach themselves to problems and people.
No matter the cost, we will hang on. We will grit our teeth, clutch the rope, and grab more tightly than ever.
“Oh, no!” they say. “I could never do that. I love them too much. I care too much to do that. This problem or person is too important to me. I have to stay attached!”
Detachment is based on the premises that everyone is responsible for themselves, that we can’t solve problems that aren’t ours to solve, and that worrying doesn’t help. We adopt a policy of keeping our hands off other people’s responsibilities and tending to our own responsibilities instead.
thus my angry response to g
And we try to live happily—focusing heroically on what is good in our lives today and feeling grateful for that. We learn the magical lesson that making the most of what we have turns it into more.
Detachment involves living in the here and now. We allow life to happen instead of forcing and trying to control it. We relinquish regrets over the past and fears about the future. We make the most of each day. We live freely.
Detac...
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omg the goddamn regret we are both holding onto
We believe in the rightness and appropriateness of each moment.
We release our burdens and cares and give ourselves the freedom to enjoy life in spite of our unsolved problems.
We become free to care and to love in ways that help others and don’t hurt ourselves.
I hope you will be able to detach with love for the person or persons you are detaching from.
A good rule of thumb is: you need to detach most when it seems the least likely or possible thing to do.
When we react we forfeit our personal power to think, feel, and behave in our best interests. We
People with codependency issues make great employees. They don’t complain; they do more than their share; they do whatever is asked of them; they please people; and they try to do their work perfectly—at least for a while, until they become angry and resentful.
Stop trying! We become utterly frustrated when we try to do the impossible.
My controlling blocks access to my higher self. It
We cannot control anyone’s compulsive behaviors. We cannot (and have no business trying to) control anyone’s emotions, thoughts, or choices. We cannot control the outcome of events. We cannot control life. Some of us can barely control ourselves.
It doesn’t matter if they’re hurting themselves. It doesn’t matter that we could help them if they’d only listen to and cooperate with us.
Is there an event or person in your life that you’re trying to control? Explain this. Write a few paragraphs about it to gain understanding. In what ways (mentally, physically, emotionally, etc.) are you being controlled by whatever or whomever you are attempting to control? What would happen (to you and the other person) if you detached from this situation or person? Will that probably happen anyway, despite your attempts at control? How are you benefiting by attempting to control the situation? How is the other person benefiting by your attempts to control? How effective are your attempts at
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“Codependents are caretakers—rescuers. They rescue, then they persecute, then they end up victimized. Study the Karpman Drama Triangle,” he said.
We rescue people from their responsibilities. We take care of people’s responsibilities for them. Later we get mad at them for what we’ve done. Then we feel used and sorry for ourselves. That’s the pattern, the triangle.
doing something we really don’t want to do saying yes when we mean no doing things for people who should be doing those things for themselves meeting people’s needs without being asked and before we’ve agreed to do so doing more than a fair share of work after our help is requested consistently giving more than we receive in a particular situation fixing people’s feelings doing people’s thinking for them speaking for another person suffering people’s consequences for them solving people’s problems for them putting more interest and activity into a joint effort than the other person does not
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We rescue “victims”—people who we believe are not capable of being responsible for themselves. The victims are capable of taking care of themselves, even though we and they don’t admit it.
no matter how loudly they plead incompetency. And they resent us for adding insult to injury by becoming angry with them after we point out their incompetency.
We moan, “Why? Why does this always happen to me?”
However, at the heart of most rescues is a demon: low self-worth.
caretaking provides us with a temporary hit of good feelings, self-worth, and power.
Sometimes we rescue because it’s easier than dealing with the discomfort and awkwardness of facing other people’s unsolved problems.
another way codependents attach themselves to people and become detached from themselves.
Caretaking breeds anger.
The magic is in others, not us, we believe. The
good feelings are in them, not us.
Sometimes, we think people aren’t there for us when they really are.
the power of being emotionally stuck is far greater than the power of reason.2
The decisions I make and the way I conduct myself will reflect my high self-esteem.
