Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

by Melody Beattie

They could be an alcoholic, an addict, a person with mental or physical disabilities, a person who occasionally has sad feelings, or anyone else.

lies in ourselves, in the ways we have let other people’s behaviors affect us and in the ways we try to affect them:

a peculiar dependency on peculiar people, an attraction to and tolerance for the bizarre, othercenteredness that results in abandonment of self, communication problems, intimacy problems, and an ongoing whirlwind trip through the five-stage grief process.10

Each of us must decide what part we played in our own victimization.

They have tried to help in ways that didn’t help. They have said yes when they meant no. They have tried to make other people see things their way. They have bent over backward to avoid hurting people’s feelings, and, in so doing, have hurt themselves. They have been afraid to trust their feelings. They have believed lies and then felt betrayed. They have wanted to get even and punish others. They have felt so angry they wanted to kill. They have struggled for their rights while other people said they didn’t have any. They have worn sackcloth because they didn’t believe they deserved silk.

They overreact. They underreact. But rarely do they act.

These behaviors can prevent you from finding peace and happiness with the most important person in your life—yourself.

life, somebody whom you worry about and wish you could change?

God, grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.

most aren’t getting their needs met. As

codependency is a way of getting needs met that doesn’t get needs met. We

Many of us don’t even understand that what we’ve been doing hasn’t been working.

Codependents may: think and feel responsible for other people—for other people’s feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, lack of well-being, and ultimate destiny feel anxiety, pity, and guilt when other people have a problem feel compelled—almost forced—to help another person solve their problem, such as offering unwanted advice, giving a rapid-fire series of suggestions, or fixing feelings feel angry when our help isn’t effective anticipate other people’s needs wonder why others don’t do the same for us find ourselves saying yes when we mean no, doing things we don’t really want to do, doing more than our fair share of the work, and doing things other people can and should do for themselves not know what we want and need or, if we do, tell ourselves what we want and need isn’t important

ALL OF THIS

find ourselves attracted to needy people

find needy people attracted to us

overcommit ourselves

feel angry, victimized, unappreciated, and used

pick on ourselves for everything, including the way we think, feel, look, act, and behave

overly identify with the failures and problems of the people we love

it's not to say that I don't love him. it's just that I need him, and that's a huge problem

settle for being needed

feel terribly anxious about problems and people

think and talk a lot about other people

feel controlled by events and people

get confused

get depressed

become workaholics spend money ...

lie to ourselves

wonder why we feel like we’re going crazy

look for happiness outside ourselves

latch onto whoever or whatever we think can provide happiness

didn’t feel love and approval from our parents don’t love ourselves

desperately seek love and approval

believe we want/need/love people more than they want/need/love us

try to prove we’re good enough to be loved

don’t take time to see if other people a...

center our lives around other people look to relationships to provide all our good feelings

lose interest in our own lives when we love

blame

find it difficult to get to the point

try to say what we think will please people

try to say what we hope will make people do what we want them to do

complain, blame, and try to control while we continue to stand there hurting

finally get angry become totally intolerant

wish our sex partners would die, go away, or sense our feelings have strong sexual fantasies about other people consider or have an extramarital affair

stay loyal to our compulsions and people even when it hurts

begin to plan our escape from a relationship we feel trapped in

Detachment is not detaching from the person we care about but from the agony of involvement.

In this case, attachment means becoming overly involved and sometimes hopelessly entangled.

We may become excessively worried about and preoccupied with a problem or person (our mental energy is attached).

We may become caretakers (rescuers, enablers) to the people around us (firmly attaching ourselves to their need for us).

Ben and I began as a relationship where I was his caretaker. now I've become a tyrant where I demand he takes care of me. And it's never enough