Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

by Melody Beattie

We can lovingly and compassionately tell the truth about our experiences—without demeaning others or ourselves.

The longer this lifetime goes, the more convinced I am that our primary responsibility in life is to find a way to make peace with ourselves, our past, and our present—no matter what we face and no matter how often we need to do that.

I stormed through life, helping create other codependents.

But they were always there, ready to rescue me from self-created disasters.

In my group, I saw people who felt responsible for the entire world, but they refused to take responsibility for leading and living their own lives.

I saw mere shells of people, racing mindlessly from one activity to another.

Most codependents were obsessed with other people.

Yet these codependents who had such great insight into others couldn’t see themselves. They didn’t know what they were feeling. They weren’t sure what they thought. And they didn’t know what, if anything, they could do to solve their problems—if, indeed, they had any problems other than the other person.

I saw people who were hostile; they had felt so much hurt that hostility was their only defense against being crushed again.

Always, the dam of their lives and the lives of those around them threatened to burst and spew harmful consequences on everyone.

because the systems they lived in seemed incapable of tolerating honesty.

didn’t know what reality was. I saw people who had gotten so absorbed in other people’s problems they didn’t have time to identify or solve their own. These were people who had cared so deeply, and often destructively, about other people that they had forgotten how to care about themselves. The codependents felt responsible for so much because the people around them felt responsible for so little; they were just taking up the slack.

oh sweet Christ on a cracker. Ben Ben Ben I fucking HATE him sometimes. I fucking HATE him. the rage the rage I feel

gain some kind of power over their perpetrators. They learned from me, and I learned from them.

disorders.

Well, there's always escape through stormy, sizzling relationships 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

And the pain that comes from loving someone who’s in trouble can be profound.

“The chemically dependent partner numbs the feelings and the nonabuser is doubled over in pain—relieved only by ...

No wonder codependents are so crazy. Who wouldn’t be, after living with the people they’ve lived with?

Rarely were they given a personalized recovery program for their problems and their pain.

Whether the person you’ve let yourself be affected by struggles with substance abuse, gambling, eating disorders, or sex addiction;

The sun was shining, and it was a beautiful day when I met him. Then, everything went crazy.

My mom had been married eight times; no marriage lasted longer than two years. She was an aggressive, demanding, controlling woman—in pain—who’d been raised on a farm with seven brothers, two of whom would later be sent to prison on charges of child molestation. I was

Hurt people hurt people, even sometimes their kids.

“wounded healer” to the way in which a healer’s own soul disease and pain can train them to help others heal.

trapped, despondent, uncertain, overwhelmed, suspicious, controlling, rigid, miserable, and unhappy.

he had never ended his relationship with the lover he’d had before we married. She lived a mile from us.)

David was my karma. He was my qualifier, the person who qualified me for codependency

sadly, I think this is joe

I had a compulsion to control him; I’d lost control too.

I have a compulsion to control Joe

Our codependency becomes our problem—and our challenge. Solving our problem is our responsibility.

If a woman treats me too well, it turns me off.”

He spent most of it worrying about—obsessed with—other people and their problems. Sometimes

Sometimes, codependent behavior becomes inextricably entangled with being a good wife, mother, father, friend, child, or worker.

Usually, she feels angry and unappreciated for her efforts, and her family feels angry at her.

but nobody gives to her.

“You haven’t been able to control your son, but you can gain control of yourself,” the counselor said. “You can deal with your own codependency.”

pornography.

omg. so joe

God only knows what and who else.”

Her problem, she says, is that other people’s moods control her emotions; she, in turn, tries to control their feelings. “I’m a people pleaser,” she said.

Codependency involves the effects these people have on us and how we, in turn, try to affect them.

“Identify, don’t compare.”

you?

omg

Relationships are like a dance, with visible energy racing back and forth between the partners. Some relationships are the slow, dark dance of death.1

“an emotional, psychological, and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individual’s prolonged exposure to, and practice of, a set of oppressive rules—rules which prevent the open expression of feeling as well as the direct discussion of personal and interpersonal problems.”2

result in a diminished capacity to initiate or to participate in loving relationships.”3

“It means I’m always looking for someone to glom onto.” “Codependency? It means I know any man I’m attracted to, fall in love with, or marry will be chemically dependent or have some other equally serious problem.”

people in relationships with emotionally or mentally disturbed persons;

parents of children with behavior problems;

cropping up everywhere. When a codependent discontinued their relationship with a troubled person, the codependent frequently sought another troubled person and repeated the codependent behaviors with that new person.

this is Ben with me frankly

One common denominator was having a relationship, personally or professionally, with troubled, needy, or dependent people.

These rules prohibit discussion about problems; open expression of feelings; direct, honest communication; realistic expectations (e.g., we are all human, vulnerable, and imperfect); selfishness; trust in other people and one’s self; playing and having fun; and rocking the delicately balanced family canoe through growth or change—however healthy and beneficial that movement might be. These rules are common to alcoholic family systems but can emerge in other families too.

A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect them and who is obsessed with controlling that other person’s behavior.