Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

by Douglas Stone

There are a set of powerful “moves” you can make during the conversation — reframing, listening, and naming the dynamic — that can help keep the conversation on track, whether the other person is being cooperative or not.

When the other person heads in a destructive direction, reframing puts the conversation back on course. It allows you to translate unhelpful statements into helpful ones. Listening is not only the skill that lets you into the other person’s world; it is also the single most powerful move you can make to keep the conversation constructive. And naming the dynamic is useful when you want

to address a troubling aspect of the ...

If the other person is setting up a choice between what you think and what they think, between how you feel and how they feel, you can reject that choice by moving to the And Stance.

You can’t move the conversation in a more positive direction until the other person feels heard and understood.

When they say their version of the story is the only version that makes sense, paraphrase what you’re hearing and ask them some questions about why they think this. If they level accusations against you, before defending yourself, try to understand their view.

Persistence in a difficult conversation means remaining as stubbornly interested in hearing the other person’s views as you are in asserting your own.

times like these, naming the dynamic can help. You put on the table as a topic for discussion what you see happening in the conversation itself. In a sense, you are acting as your own “conversation doctor,” diagnosing the problem and prescribing a way back to health. These kind of diagnoses, and suggestions, sound like this: I’ve noticed that we keep running out of time whenever we start talking about this. Maybe we should designate an hour when we can both really focus on this and address it then.

I’ve tried to say what I was thinking three times now, and each time you’ve started talking over me. I don’t know whether you’re aware that it’s happening, but I’m finding it frustrating. If there’s something important about what you’re saying that I’m not understanding, please share it. And then I want to be able to finish what I’m saying.

naming the dynamic is probably best thought of as something to try when nothing else has worked.

Difficult conversations require a certain amount of compromise and mutual accommodation to the other’s needs. If you find problem-solving difficult and anxiety producing, it may be because you are focused on persuading them. Those caught in this trap struggle like a fish on a hook, desperately trying to satisfy the seemingly insatiable demands of the other and reach some reasonable agreement on how to move forward. And no wonder. This frame gives the other side total control — until and unless they are satisfied, you must continue to struggle.

you always have the option to turn the tables, to invite them to persuade you and insist that they do.

each of you needs to say unambiguously where the other person’s story still doesn’t make sense to you.

If you can’t find a creative way to solve the problem, ask what standards of fairness should apply, and why.

Both the challenge and the spice of relationships is in people’s differences. Occasional frustration is the price of admission. And as we’ve noted, no relationship will endure if one party always gives in to the other.

A good resolution will usually require each party to accommodate somewhat to the other’s differences, or perhaps to reciprocate — going one way on some issues and the other way on others. This is the principle of mutual caretaking.