Good Boundaries and Goodbyes: Loving Others Without Losing the Best of Who You Are

by Lysa TerKeurst

No trauma is healed in a healthy way by developing unhealthy ways of coping.

Good boundaries help us walk in the middle. Boundaries help us see that it’s not wrong for us to have needs.

We don’t want to be void of grace. But we also don’t want to rob someone of the good outcome that might happen if they recognize that you aren’t an unlimited source. The main point is, we shouldn’t and ultimately can’t be the one to supply all of what another person needs.

Because God has a limitless supply, only He can meet all our needs (Philippians 4:19). Because God created us, only He can truly access the depths and fullness of someone’s heart (Romans 8:26–27). Because nothing is too hard for God, only He can sustain the type of giving a desperate soul longs for (Jeremiah 32:27).

We will always desperately want from other people what we fear we will never get from God. That is what only God can do for my soul. Your soul. And every person’s soul. Remember, Jesus did do many amazing and sacrificial acts of love for others. He fed people, washed their feet, taught them, comforted them, and modeled a different way to act and think. But He didn’t do it so people would ...

Jesus loved people enough to give them the choice to walk away.

God calls us to obey Him. God does not call us to obey every wish and whim of other people. God calls us to love other people. God does not call us to demand that they love us back and meet every need we have.

If we aren’t convinced of how much a boundary will help us, we will be too afraid of what the boundary will cost us.

Healthy relationships don’t feel threatening. Loving relationships don’t feel cruel. Secure relationships don’t feel as if everything could implode if you dared to draw a boundary.

“Behold, I am the LORD, the God of all flesh: is there anything too hard for me?” (Jeremiah 32:27 ESV)

The intensity of the pain was more than I could bear. And somehow, I bore it anyway. You and I are alike in this way. Because look at you—you’re breathing despite having the wind knocked out of some of your greatest hopes.

And yet somewhere between deciding to go with the whole wheat or skip the bread altogether this week, a memory from the past flashes across your mind and, as you sigh, invisible grief spills out with your exhaled breath. The memory was a scene from the life that was yours before the loss, the heartbreak, the event that changed everything.

We’ve survived what we feared. But can we survive the remembering? Memories are both our greatest treasures and our greatest sorrows.

But I have a thought. I think Jesus said goodbye the same way He lived all the days before the hurt, betrayal, rejection, and abandonment. While the relationships certainly changed, He didn’t let the goodbye change Him. He let people walk away without letting go of who He was. Even when people turned on Jesus, He didn’t let a goodbye turn Him into someone He was never meant to be. And while I’ll be the first one to admit I’m nowhere close to the purity and perfection of Jesus, I also don’t want my goodbyes to make it look like I’ve never spent any time with Jesus at all.

It’s always been my deep conviction to follow where the Bible leads. I don’t ever want to start with my opinions and then find verses to try and support my thoughts. I want to start with God’s truth and let Him shape my thoughts with His. We don’t want to violate God’s Word in our efforts to keep God’s Word. Clearly in the Bible there are times when we are called to stay, fight, and pursue relationships. However, we also clearly see in Scripture that there are absolutely situations and circumstances when the most God-honoring action is for us to separate ourselves and say goodbye to a relationship.

In Genesis chapter 13, Abraham and his nephew Lot decided to separate and live in different locations apart from each other due to the constant quarreling between them and among those managing their flocks and herds. Interestingly, the separation lasted until Abraham rescued Lot and his family from Sodom’s impending doom. Though they had lived separately for years, Abraham and Lot eventually reunited when Abraham learned Lot had been captured and needed to be rescued. Abraham sent his men out on a rescue mission and they “brought back his relative Lot and his possessions” (Genesis 14:16). So, lesson learned: some goodbyes are for a season. But even in those seasons of separation, this doesn’t mean you don’t care about and watch out for the best interest of the other.

In the New Testament we find that Paul and Barnabas had a “sharp contention” (Acts 15:36–41 NKJV) about taking a cousin of Barnabas named John Mark with them to be a helper for their next missionary journey. When I was looking for more information about this situation between Paul and Barnabas, I found an interesting article: They could not reach an agreement, and so they split up. As far as the sacred record indicates, these two remarkable men never saw one another again . . . This dissension between Paul and Barnabas was not over a doctrinal issue. The rupture involved a personal dispute based upon a judgment call. To their credit, neither Paul nor Barnabas let the conflict distract them from their respective efforts of spreading the gospel. Making application to Christians today, there will always be times when good brethren will disagree in matters of opinion. The important thing is to keep focused on doing the will of Christ. That is what Paul and Barnabas both did. As a result, perhaps even more work was accomplished for the Lord because of the manner in which their disagreement was handled. . . . The segmentation of their work did not disrupt permanently the love and respect that Paul and Barnabas entertained for one another. Paul would later affectionately mention Barnabas as being worthy of monetary support in his work of proclaiming the gospel (1 Corinthians 9:6).2 Might it be possible to acknowledge hurt without unleashing hurt? So, lesson learned: some goodby...

But then what about those goodbyes that are due to blatant sin, toxic behaviors, dysfunctional pride, or destructive actions? Gary Thomas in his book When to Walk Away says, Some of you still can’t imagine turning someone away or letting someone walk away, even if the relationship has become toxic. Your Lord and Savior doesn’t have that problem: “Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’ Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’” (Matthew 7:22–23). Jesus actually sends these people away. He spoke the truth and respected people’s choices . . . controlling others is a primary sign of toxicity, not a method for ministry. Jesus never ...

So, lesson learned: Remember how Jesus defines the blind guide. Matthew 15:19–20, “For out of the heart come evil thoughts—murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander. These are what defile a person.” It is not only okay to end a relationship where these things are present, Jesus warns us if we don’t, we may run the risk of falling into a pit with them.

I will not bow down to someone’s mistreatment,

I’d like a little more “God be with you” in my goodbyes. So I’ve been trying with the goodbye in front of me. Sometimes it feels awkward and awful. Sometimes I’m just in so much pain, I can’t muster up any energy to do anything but grit my teeth and blast it all out with my counselor. Some of the memories of what happened will probably always be painful and not good at all. But the thought of “God be with you” has really stuck to something good in my heart. And it’s sneaking into my thoughts and my processing and even my conversations.

And then the other night I literally just closed my eyes and pictured Jesus’ hands. I mentally started placing all the memories one by one into His strong, carpentry-calloused, nail-pierced, grace-gripped hands. I asked the Lord to help me whisper “God be with you” over each memory. I asked Jesus to help me release some of the memories, hold onto others, and make peace with all that I could. It didn’t settle everything yet. But it was a start and I believe that Jesus is working in me and healing my heart.

A note from Jim on codependence

Loyalty to the addict supersedes the codependent’s health.

The addict is causing trauma to the codependent by requiring them to go along with, cover up, buy into lies, and make excuses for their toxic patterns, behaviors, addictions, and wrongdoings, causing damage to both parties. Eventually this becomes a vicious cycle where both parties become unhealthy for many reasons but mostly because neither is committed to reality.

Mental health is being committed to reality at all costs.

PRAYER: God, You understand so very personally and deeply the heartache of watching someone you love walk away. As I look back at what was and look ahead at what will be, I know You are a refuge and safe place to process my feelings. Thank You for being so close to me during this time. I am looking to You and believing that today I can take some steps forward and whisper, “God be with you” to those who have left wounds in my heart. This isn’t me saying I’m okay with what they did—I know You will eventually hold them accountable for their sin. But it is me saying I want to be okay again . . . better than okay. I want to fully live again. You can bring eventual good in all things, and today I trust that You absolutely will. In Jesus’ name, amen.

What I didn’t realize is that trauma isn’t just something that happens to you. It happens in you. And the mistake I made is believing that I just needed to heal, forgive, and somehow move on from the facts of what happened. But emotional devastation isn’t just a set of facts. The greater blow to your well-being is the impact all this has on you—how you feel, how you function, and how you think.

we can make the choice to forgive the one who hurt us for the facts of what happened. But then we also must walk through the much longer process of forgiving and healing from the impact another person’s actions have had on us. Forgiveness is a command by God, but reconciliation should be very conditional on many factors—most of all whether all parties involved can stay safe and healthy if they stay together.1

Remember all the work you’ve done to draw boundaries was not about controlling someone else’s behavior. It’s about paying attention and being honest about how someone’s poor behavior and lack of responsibility is possibly controlling you. And when people close to us are acting out of control, that’s when we run the greatest risk of lacking self-control.

another article specifically about marriage, Leslie states: God tells us that bullies, abusers, and oppressors do exist in this world. But he also clearly tells us that they are never to be protected, sanctioned, or supported by God’s people, especially within an intimate relationship (Ephesians 5:25 AMP; Colossians 3:19 AMP) . . . The marital relationship is the most intimate relationship God has ordained. In God’s design for marriage, being married should never lead to less safety, less sanity, or less strengthening for the individuals in that relationship but rather continue to nurture and nourish those qualities. Safety and trust are the most important foundation to maintain a healthy marriage.3

And when their level of responsibility is a zero, their level of access to you should also be a zero.

And they and their descendants would forever wrestle between giving in to the pull of the flesh or surrendering to better choices that lead to God’s peace (1 Corinthians 10:13).

Romans 8:5–6 says, “Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace.”

We don’t want to live in the extremes of rushing what shouldn’t be rushed. And I’m certainly not advocating a quick and easy pathway to ghosting friends, no longer seeing your parents, or quickly divorcing your spouse. Processing a possible goodbye isn’t permission to peace out or tap out. It’s a pathway toward grieving and accepting one of the toughest realities we will ever face—an unsustainable relationship.

Processing a possible goodbye isn’t permission to peace out or tap out. It’s a pathway toward grieving and accepting one of the toughest realities we will ever face—an unsustainable relationship.

Spurgeon goes on to equate this viper to people whose irritation is utterly unreasonable. They don’t have peace on the inside, therefore it probably won’t be possible for them to live with a consistency of peace on the outside. People who cause harm emotionally, physically, socially, sexually, financially, spiritually, intellectually, or relationally, whether they intend to or not, have a toxic impact on those who do life with them. Notice, I didn’t say those who make mistakes and then repent and get help to not make those mistakes again. But when those who inflict harm aren’t horrified by it enough to get help so they don’t do it again, they most likely will do it again. And remember, the greater access we give them, the greater we will feel the impact of their harmful actions and the longer it will take us to recover from it all.

Horrified by it

None of this is easy to process. And a decision to say goodbye should not be made in a rush without wise counsel and much prayer. But remember, although God loved people so much that He gave His only Son’s life to try and save us, He’s also willing to accept our refusal to be saved. God has a line that He will not allow to be crossed. If someone refuses salvation, they will not be rewarded with eternal access to Him.

The perverse of heart shall be far from me; I will have nothing to do with what is evil. Whoever slanders their neighbor in secret, I will put to silence; whoever has haughty eyes and a proud heart, I will not tolerate. (Psalm 101:4–5)

the second-century church father Irenaeus said, “The glory of God is a human fully alive.”

God, sometimes it’s really hard to accept things in front of me that I cannot change. But I am so confident in Your perfect ability to be God. You are the only One who can bring real change in my life. As I pray through some relationship adjustments I may have to make, including goodbyes, I pray You would give me holy discernment and wisdom as I make any decisions. Show me who I can trust to process some of these things with. Thank You for Your never-ending love and faithfulness toward me. I know You will never leave me. In Jesus’ name, amen.

You are both living in the same day but are in two totally different places. And even if you wanted to be on the phone together watching the sunset, that wouldn’t be possible unless they travel toward you a great distance or you travel toward them a great distance. If neither of you can do that, then you may have to let go of watching the sunset at the same time. It doesn’t make either of you bad people, it just means you aren’t in the same place.

And chances are it will make you cry. Not because they are missing the sunset, but because you’re both going to miss out on what could have been. It will all seem so senseless.

I would never be able to draw appropriate boundaries with this person while holding onto my made-up version of them.

The problem wasn’t that they didn’t see my vision for them. The real problem was I had refused to see them as they really are.

We are powerless to stop grief from happening. It will visit us all in various forms and for many different reasons. But the absolute commonality for all grief is the disappointment and pain that accompanies it. We mourn what will not be. But even more so we mourn what imperfection and sin has done to all of us. We all contribute to the reasons there is so much pain in this world. We all hurt others. We all fall short in the roles and responsibilities we carry. We all cause grief. We all carry grief. But the good news is, we don’t have to be consumed by our grief. Isaiah 53:2–6 is very comforting to me when I remember that I don’t carry all this grief alone. Jesus bore our grief—both the grief we cause and the grief we endure. And He provides healing and hope for us all. I

So, the last part of my funeral is bringing it all to Jesus. The grief. The pain. The longings unfulfilled. My sin against them. Their sin against me. My need for forgiveness. And the forgiveness I need to offer. I ask Him to stand in the gap between where I am and where I long to be. I give to Him what I now know won’t be and ask Him to bring His fullness into my emptiness.

But the one thing I don’t do is go back to pretending and living in denial. I’ve accepted this grief. I’ve had the marked moment of accepting what is and what is not. And it’s from this place of acceptance that I will move forward into healing.

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” (Isaiah 43:18–19)

The most honorable thing to do was to trust God to be the Rescuer, to be brave enough to turn every part of this over to Him and let the next chapters of my story unfold.