Good Boundaries and Goodbyes: Loving Others Without Losing the Best of Who You Are

by Lysa TerKeurst

Healthy changes in someone can’t be measured just by the words they speak. There must be evidence of changed thoughts, changed habits, changed behaviors, changed reactions, and changed patterns demonstrated consistently over a long period of time. How long? As long as it takes.

Let me share one more word picture with you that might help you see what we often feel in challenging relationships but have a hard time expressing in words. Changing an outside behavior without changing the internal issue that’s driving the behavior is like painting a house that has a crumbling foundation. From the road, the house may look impressive. But if you attempt to live in that dwelling, not only will it be bothersome but over time it could be very dangerous.

In the same way, changed behaviors are good unless they are a temporary performance with a relapse waiting to happen in the wings.

I posted this question on Instagram the other night: “Why is it that a flag literally has to be on fire before I tilt my head and say it might be red?” If it’s red, it’s red. If someone’s actions toward me are hurting me, they’re hurting me. If it’s concerning, it’s concerning. If it’s wrong, it’s wrong. And we should be willing to give grace for mistakes. But if the issues are ongoing and continuously harmful, we must acknowledge that and act accordingly. It’s not that we don’t want to be prayerful and hopeful and eager for positive changes in the other person’s life. But we don’t want to become so eager and overcommitted to their health that we stay undercommitted to our own.

drawing wise boundaries is me fighting for the relationship. It’s for their good and mine! Loosening my boundaries and enabling them to hurt the relationship and harm me isn’t helping them. I am not honoring Jesus when I give permission for the other person to act in ways that Jesus never would. Yes, Jesus laid down His life for sinners. But it wasn’t so they could keep sinning. It was for a holy purpose leading to wholeness, healing, and salvation of their souls.

I accept that I am powerless to control other people. Instead, I use my energy to limit my interactions with difficult people, remove myself from destructive relationships, and pursue loving well the people in my healthy relationships that deserve the best of me.

Boundaries aren’t going to fix the other person. But they are going to help you stay fixed on what is good, what is acceptable, and what you need to stay healthy and safe.

I think it’s because we don’t truly understand that we have emotional limitations. Just like our accounts can get overdrawn, so can our emotions. Just like spending that gets out of control can bankrupt a person’s finances, expending too much emotionally can bankrupt a person’s well-being. We think we can just keep taking it. Overlooking it. Navigating around it. Making excuses for it. Reframing it. Numbing out so we don’t have to deal with it. Praying about it. Fussing about it. Crying about it. Ignoring it. Blaming it. Shaming it. And dropping a million hints about it.

Gary Thomas. In his book When to Walk Away,

The feeling of anxiety is like an alarm bell alerting us to remember the Lord is near, so we don’t have to overreact; we can let the peace of God protect our hearts and minds, and intentionally direct and filter our thoughts, factoring in what is still good. And keep putting into practice these good principles.

A BOUNDARY ISN’T TO TAKE CONTROL OF THE OTHER PERSON’S ACTIONS The purpose of a boundary is to help you stay self-controlled and safe.

Boundaries are for your sake and theirs so you don’t have to keep fighting against unhealthy behaviors, attitudes, and patterns.

The tension exists because you are doing the difficult work of no longer cooperating with dysfunction.

Remember, our motivation is to love people well, and to do this we can’t allow ourselves to get into such an emotionally drained and unhealthy place that this isn’t possible.

We don’t want to grow hard, angry, or develop an attitude of superiority when setting boundaries. We must stay humble and surrendered to Jesus in this process. So, let them have their own journey and revelation.

If you feel you have to trade the best of who you are to protect the worst of who they are, do not ignore this red flag.

One of the things that surprised me while I was studying Scripture is the connection between emotions and sobriety. Most of the time we simply think of sobriety as saying no to substances that make us lose control. But having a sober mind can also be an instruction not to let ourselves get out of control with our emotions as well. Let’s look at 1 Peter 5:8 (ESV): “Be sober-minded; be watchful.” This verse is giving us two responses that are important to keep in mind. First being “sober-minded” and second being “watchful.” The NIV uses the word alert. What is Peter addressing here? It’s anxiety. In verse 7 (ESV) Peter instructs us to cast “all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.” And then in the second half of verse 8, after “Be sober-minded; be watchful,” the verse continues, “Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour” (ESV). Peter is telling us what to do with our anxiety. We are to cast it on the Lord. And we are to be alert and sober-minded. God has a part, and we have a part.

This means to be sober-minded has to do with maintaining control over ourselves. Just like when someone drinks too much alcohol, they have to “sober up” to regain control, to be sober-minded means regaining control over our actions and reactions. Remember, we have an enemy who doesn’t just want to tempt us—he wants to devour us. He wants us to act and react out of control. And he wants our thoughts to spin out of control.

Healthy equilibrium in a relationship is possible only when both people are equally committed to these things: healthy habits self-awareness empathy for the feelings of the other person

When one person dabbles in unhealthy habits, refuses to look at themselves through the lens of reality, or stops considering the feelings of the other, there will be an ever-increasing tension until you sink to where they are or they rise to where you are. Only you can decide how to either manage that tension or say “enough is enough” and make changes. My hope is that we can make healthy changes instead of letting things get to a point where the only choice we have is to end the relationship.

When someone has internal chaos from what hasn’t been worked out internally, they will often stir up external chaos and point the finger of blame. Blame is an attempt to medicate unhealed pain. So, when you try to establish boundaries to protect yourself from the chaos, they’ll see this as an extremely offensive move and will try to manipulate you into feeling guilty, so you drop your boundary. A manipulative person has never met a boundary that they liked! Chances are the manipulator has unhealed trauma or childhood wounds from the past that make them resistant to any perceived control over them.

If a person has unaddressed childhood trauma, when someone draws a boundary with them, the person may revert to an age when they first felt unsafe. The boundary you see as a protection to keep the relationship healthy, they will see as a personal rejection.

If you feel you have to trade the best of who you are to protect the worst of who they are, do not ignore this red flag.

I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. (Psalm 121:1–2) Be sober-minded; be watchful. (1 Peter 5:8 ESV) Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong. Do everything in love. (1 Corinthians 16:13–14)

“Your healing will bring out the emotional immaturity of those around you not willing to pursue health for themselves.”

I want to keep myself in the place of living a life worthy of the Lord. I want to please Him. I want to bear fruit. I want to grow and be strengthened by God. I want to have endurance and patience.

And here’s the second thing to notice: if we are afraid that this person will think poorly of us, potentially abandon us, or try to make us feel crazy for taking a step toward making the relationship healthy, chances are even higher that, without wise boundaries, they will eventually do all three of these things to us. (Dear me: read that last sentence one more time . . . maybe ten more times.)

Philippians 1:9–10 is that the love here is associated with knowledge and discernment. So, the inverse is also true. A lack of wisdom and discernment is actually unloving. Sometimes we only associate love as a feeling. But we have to remember that biblical love is an intentional action where we want what’s best for us and the other person. Keeping this in mind, when setting boundaries our heart posture should be one of wisdom and discernment for the sake of true and healthy love.

Healthy people who desire healthy relationships don’t have an issue with other people’s healthy boundaries. Hebrews 5:14

Healthy people are mature people. They seek to understand your concerns, discuss any issues that the need for the boundary reveals, and respect your limits.

Serve from that fullness. Give from that wholeness. Walk confidently in the fact that our all-sufficient God did not make you insufficient or broken.

When God is the source of our identity, we are much less prone to others feeding our insecurity.

“God’s love isn’t based on me. It’s simply placed on me. And it’s the place from which I should live . . . loved.”1

fully chosen, purely loved, and honorably protected in the marriage relationship.

When one spouse starts keeping secrets from the other to cover up and continue in hurtful patterns instead of loving their spouse and family, they give the best of themselves to invest in inappropriate relationships. This is some of the deepest pain a human soul will ever know. And it’s doubly crushing when addressing those things with your spouse, you’re told a narrative filled with half-truths, covered-up truths, or promises to change that they don’t intend to keep.

It’s a brutal journey learning that we can be okay even when the choices of someone we love are not okay at all.

Amen

Trying to stay whole in the process no matter how fractured this other person becomes, feels like something that sounds good in theory but isn’t an option for brokenhearted gals like us.

Watching another person tear apart a life you love hits us in waves of grief. And it’s this grief over what we fear we will lose that makes us feel scared to draw bo...

So, how do we keep ourselves together day after day, when someone seems to be working overtime to tear us apart? Again, this is why we must draw boundaries, get help from others, and use our voice to say, “[your notes] is not acceptable, and I will work to keep myself safe and healthy no matter what my spouse chooses from now on.”

But here’s one answer I do have: Other people don’t get the final say about who we are. God does. Therefore, what makes it possible to not fall apart into a fractured and frail shadow version of the woman we are meant to be is this: we must place a boundary around our identity, protecting it and guarding it, using God’s truth to inform and stabilize what we know, what we feel, and what we do.

I must stay whole by keeping what I know, what I feel, and what I do in alignment with God’s truth about who I am.

I must stay whole by keeping what I know, what I feel, and what I do in alignment with God’s truth about who I am.

Just like a fractured arm becomes too weak to be used properly, if we are fractured in our thinking, we won’t use our thoughts in healthy ways. If we are fractured in our feelings, we won’t use our emotions in healthy ways. If we are fractured in our doing, we won’t act and react in healthy ways.

If you are living in the constant tension that the only way to save a relationship is to keep that other person happy, the goal of someone else being happy shouldn’t be your definition of healthy. You are whole and healthy when who you are as a child of God is in alignment with what you know (orthodoxy), what you feel (orthopathy), and what you do (orthopraxy).

Basically, I can’t let other people’s fractured thinking affect me to the point where I get my thinking out of alignment with God’s truth. I can’t let other people’s fractured feelings affect me to the point where my feelings get out of alignment with God’s truth. And I can’t let other people’s actions affect me to the point where my actions get out of alignment with God’s truth. Because when any part of me gets out of alignment with God’s truth, I betray the best of who I am.

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts,

If you and I say we have an allegiance to Jesus but then put on clothes of defeat, which are things like anger, rage, malice, slander, filthy language, and lying, this actually points to a false allegiance.2

Instead, Paul tells us to put on our victory clothes given to us by Jesus (compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, forgiveness, love, unity, peace, thankfulness, wisdom, gratitude). These qualities give the world evidence of our faithful allegiance to our victorious King Jesus.

The best of who we are is made possible by the best of what God has done for us. He has chosen us. He has set us apart for His holy purpose. And He loves us with an intentional and dedicated love that won’t quit on us.

I don’t want to get so emptied by the fractured people that I don’t have anything left to give to anyone else.