Good Boundaries and Goodbyes: Loving Others Without Losing the Best of Who You Are

by Lysa TerKeurst

Remember when you love deeply you may get hurt deeply. But getting hurt doesn’t mean you have to fear closeness with all people. It actually means you have a tremendous capacity to love others really well because you dared to offer another person the most tender depths of your heart. Don’t pack love away like an old sweater you never want to wear again. Good boundaries can help you recognize what got unraveled so you can love others without losing the best of who you are.

Relationships are wonderful and full of love and frustration and wrought with angst and all the things we bring into every attempted embrace with another person. When those we love draw close to us, they draw close to our issues. And we come face-to-face with their issues as well. And as we open up to each other, the deeper we connect, the more vulnerable we become. The more vulnerable we become, the more exposed the tender places inside of us become. This exposure is risky. When we dare to be so very known, we risk being so very hurt. When we dare to be so very hopeful, we risk being so very disappointed. When we dare to be so very giving, we risk being so very taken advantage of. And when we dare to unnaturally change into what someone else needs, we risk losing ourselves in the process. To love and be loved is to be enveloped in the safest feeling I’ve ever known.

We dream of the best, we dread the worst, and we keep trying to figure out how to do relationships right. We build our lives around those we love. And those we love build their lives around us.

Boundaries aren’t meant to shove love away. Quite the opposite. We set boundaries so we know what to do when we very much want to love those around us really well without losing ourselves in the process. Good boundaries help us preserve the love within us even when some relationships become unsustainable and we must accept the reality of a goodbye. Throughout these pages we’ll seek to honestly examine what is and is not healthy in our hearts but also in the relationships where we invest our hearts. Sometimes it’s difficult to know what’s healthy and what’s not, so it’s important to seek godly counsel and, in more complex situations like addictions and abuse, someone specifically trained on the issues at hand. (Please see Getting the Help You Need.)

But we can’t enable bad behavior in ourselves and others and call it love. We can’t tolerate destructive patterns and call it love. And we can’t pride ourselves on being loyal and longsuffering in our relationships when it’s really perpetuating violations of what God says love is. Please hear me clearly say, the purpose of this book isn’t to quickly call out issues in others without looking honestly at ourselves as well. We need to examine our motivations and our mindsets.

Love must be honest. Love must be safe. Love must seek each person’s highest good. And love must honor God to experience the fullness and the freedom of the sweetest connection between two humans.

scriptures: Love is not dishonorable. Love does not justify wrongs to enable selfishness. Love does not celebrate evil. Love requires truth. Love leads to honor, kindness, and compassion. So, as we take this journey, let’s remember the real purpose of good boundaries. Boundaries protect the right kind of love and help prevent dysfunction from destroying that love. Boundaries help us say what needs to be said, do what needs to be done, and establish what is and isn’t acceptable. Love should be what draws us together not what tears us apart. And, remember, we can’t set good boundaries without love. Setting boundaries from a place of anger and bitterness will only lead to control and manipulation. Setting boundaries as a punishment will only serve to imprison us. But setting boundaries from a place of love provides an opportunity for relationships to grow deeply because true connection thrives within the safety of health and honesty.

When we’re hurt, good boundaries and goodbyes help us to not get stuck in a perpetual state of living hurt.

REMEMBER (STATEMENTS TO CLING TO): We can’t enable bad behavior and call it love. Love must honor God to experience the fullness and the freedom of the sweetest connection between two humans. Boundaries protect the right kind of love and help prevent dysfunction from destroying that love. Love should be what draws us together not what tears us apart. Setting boundaries from a place of love provides an opportunity for relationships to grow deeply because true connection thrives within the safety of health and honesty. When we’re hurt, good boundaries and goodbyes help us to not get stuck in a perpetual state of living hurt.

REFLECT (QUESTIONS TO THINK THROUGH): Have you ever considered that establishing healthy parameters in your relationships is actually an act of love? As you start this book, how does this change your perspective? What may have motivated you in the past to set boundaries or say a goodbye? Take time to think this through and then write down your answers. When you’re in a relationship where there’s been chaos, confusion, and hurt, reacting in extremes can add even more pain. Some people take on all the blame and minimize the actions of the other person. The opposite extreme is to place sole blame on the other person without checking your own heart. Throughout this book, we want to avoid going to either of these extremes. So, honest self-reflection is always a good practice. Asking yourself these questions is a wise step now, and revisiting them before you set a boundary or say goodbye could also be helpful: —Have I set unrealistic expectations? —Am I too easily offended? —Have I considered my own shortcomings relative to this relationship? —Have I sought wisdom from a godly advisor, mentor, or counselor?

PRAYER: Lord, the greatest desire of my heart is to love and treasure others the way You treasure us. But honestly, sometimes these hard relationship dynamics make it incredibly difficult to discern what is truly loving. So, as I turn these next pages, I ask that You guide me and help me to walk in Your ways, not mine. Show me how to approach my closest relationships with both compassion and a healthy commitment to reality so I am in alignment with You. In Jesus’ name, amen.

I had given every bit of love and forgiveness I knew to give, and it wasn’t enough. Love given is wildly beautiful. Love received is wildly fulfilling. But for love to thrive as true and lasting, it must be within the safety of trust. Without trust, love will die. So, I had to say it: “You cannot build trust that keeps getting broken.”

I now believe we must honor what honors God. And in doing so, we must not confuse the good commands to love and forgive with the bad realities of enabling and covering up things that are not honoring to God. When someone’s dishonorable actions beg us not to stay, this should give us serious pause.

I knew Jim was right. I kept trying to have a conversation with the irrationality of substances that could only allow me to be either the enabler or the enemy. The enabler will be manipulated. The enemy will be lied to. Either way, there is no love in manipulations and lies. Love breathes the oxygen of trust. Love struggles and eventually becomes strangled in the oxygen-depleted grapple of addictions.

Health cannot bond with unhealth.

do. And it felt like a shameful defeat to me. It’s hard to own what you don’t choose. I knew I shouldn’t own the repercussions of addictions that weren’t mine. But

You can’t reason with a person caught in the addiction cycle any more than you can try to talk a live grenade out of exploding. When the pin is pulled a chain of events is set off that creates destruction. Most people struggling with addictions will have irrational justifications that will never make sense. They don’t factor in others. They truly think their choices only affect them. They don’t feel your heartbreak. They don’t want to see your tears.

You’ve reached a place where you know you can forgive the person. And you can love them. You want to save the relationship and get to a better place more than anything. You’ve made changes. You’ve listened to wise advice and done everything you know to do. But you’ve finally realized if they don’t want things to change, you cannot change them. And now you’re secretly starting to wonder if you are the crazy one. Friend, you may be brokenhearted. You may be sad. You may be afraid and possibly angry. You may be focused on trying to fix what isn’t within your ability to fix. And you may even be fixated on trying to figure everything out. But you are not crazy. If you are smelling smoke, there is fire. And the only reasonable option at this point is to either put out the fire or get yourself out of the fire. Drawing boundaries can help put out fires before they become all consuming. But if the fire keeps burning with increasing intensity, you’ve got to get away from the smoke and flames. Sometimes, your only option is to say goodbye.

Chaos shouldn’t be the norm and while we can’t always change the source of the chaos, we must tend to what we can change. Please know: it’s not unchristian to set these healthy parameters. It’s not unchristian to require people to treat you in healthy ways. And for us to do the same for others.

but we have to know how to spot dysfunction, what to do about it, and when to recognize it’s no longer reasonable or safe to stay in some relationships.

boundaries aren’t a method to perfect but rather an opportunity to protect what God intended for relationships.

Compassion is really important to me when I’m processing boundaries. When we’re in a difficult relationship or even one that isn’t sustainable, especially if addictions are involved, there does need to be a measure of compassion. Because sometimes what is actually driving unhealthy behaviors in people is underlying shame or a lack of peace deep inside. Many times it’s both.

There are two types of triggers: internal and external. A trigger is a stimulation caused either by an internal thought or an external action from someone else. Whether internal or external, the trigger causes a reaction that makes a painful incident from the past feel as if it’s happening in the present. It’s almost as if we’ve been transported back to the “scene of the crime.” The “feeling” part of our brain (known as the limbic system) is wired to search for safety and confidence in what the future holds. In other words, the brain is trying to predict what will happen next. So, a trigger makes you anxious because it sets off an alarm, making you feel something isn’t right or safe. But the trigger is not the main issue—the main issue is the unhealed trauma still inside you. When you get triggered, it’s pointing either to something from your past not yet healed inside you or a new trauma happening in the present moment.

And no matter the trigger, always remember you have the power to rise in resiliency. When things around you get out of control, you can call a time-out. You can remove yourself. You can seek others to help you process. You can get a plan. You can schedule something on your calendar to look forward to. All these things will help you avoid spinning in the unsafe feelings and circumstances that are causing you pain and confusion.

You cannot build trust that keeps getting broken. We must not confuse the good commands to love and forgive with the bad realities of enabling and covering up things that are not honoring to God. Health cannot bond with unhealth. All relationships can be difficult at times, but they should not be destructive to our well-being. Boundaries aren’t just a good idea, they are a God idea. Where there is an abundance of chaos, there is usually a lack of good boundaries. It’s not unchristian to require people to treat you in healthy ways.

REFLECT: Describe what you think when you read this: you cannot build trust that keeps getting broken. In what ways have you believed it was unchristian to require others to treat you in healthy ways? PRAYER: Heavenly Father, when the person who hurts me doesn’t see the heartbreak, tears, or emotions they are causing, I know You do. You remind me that I am seen and loved. I am not walking alone. As I start the journey of discovering how boundaries are not just a human idea, but Your idea, I know You will guide me every step of the way. Keep my heart tender and humble while at the same time steadfast and open to all You reveal to me. Continue to show me what You have for me personally in the pages ahead. In Jesus’ name, amen.

The real issue was I started to resent the amount of emotional access to my life I had given to her. If

We know access must be carefully protected with so many other things in our lives.

Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” I’ve often heard this verse taught in the context of dating relationships and purity.

We don’t want to get so consumed with the pain and chaos of unhealthy relationship patterns that we become a carrier of human hurt rather than a conduit of God’s love.

Love can be unconditional but relational access never should be. God loves us but He has established that sin causes separation from Him.

What we are looking for are patterns of hurtful and harmful behavior. A hurtful statement can be called a mistake. But a repeated pattern of hurtful statements or uncaring attitudes or even unjust expectations is much more than a mistake. These patterns are misuses of the purposes of a relationship. Why is this so crucial to understand? Because unchecked misuse of a relationship can quickly turn into abuse in a relationship.

Like God, we must require from people the responsibility necessary to grant the amount of access we allow them to have in our lives. Too much access without the correct responsibility is detrimental.

Bottom line: God established boundaries to protect intimacy, not decimate it. And we should do the same. How to do this appropriately is what this entire message is about. As we close this chapter, I want you to know three things. First, you are not alone in your struggles. I haven’t met even one person who has truly mastered all that we’ve been talking about. You aren’t a relationship failure just because you have relational hardships. You are full of potential and so are those you are in relationship with.

And last, there is a big difference between difficult relationships and destructive relationships. We will address this important distinction in later chapters, but if you are being abused, please get help immediately from safe, trained professionals. If the problems in your relationships look more like hurricanes than sand spurs, be honest about that. That’s why sometimes we need good boundaries and sometimes we need goodbyes. We will leave space in this book for both to be acknowledged and addressed.

Allowing someone access without accountability will eventually lead to abandonment. If I give you unlimited access to me and there’s no accountability, either I’m going to leave the relationship, or you will. If someone perpetually acts out, that person has abandoned the relationship. Remember: If you don’t have clear rules—if you don’t set boundaries for the relationship—then you’ll be ruled by the other person. You just may not know it.

Love can be unconditional but relational access never should be. Unchecked misuse of a relationship can quickly turn into abuse in a relationship. Like God, we must require from people the responsibility necessary to grant the amount of access we allow them to have in our lives. People who are irresponsible with our hearts should not be granted great access to our hearts.

REFLECT: Explain this concept in your own words: “Love can be unconditional but relational access never should be.” What might it look like if you were to require the level of responsibility from others that matches the amount of access you’ve given them? PRAYER: God, as I process the relationships that have caused hurt in my life, keep my heart turned toward You. Remind me that boundaries are meant to protect intimacy, not decimate it. Father, I hand You my deepest fears and anxieties because of my difficult relationships. I trust You to lead me with clarity in the right direction. Thank You for everything You’re revealing to me personally right now. In Jesus’ name, amen.

Relationships often die not because of conversations that were had but rather conversations that were needed but never had. Conversations open the way for us to address what is and isn’t working.

I have dysfunctions. Other people I know have dysfunctions. Alive humans have dysfunctions. It shouldn’t scare us when we acknowledge that dysfunctions exist. But we should be concerned when someone lives as if dysfunctions are normal. Being aware of our dysfunctions doesn’t fix them. If we want healthier relationships we must also be willing to address them. Ahem. I’m pointing at myself here.

Dysfunction means things aren’t working correctly. In other words, something gets in the way of how things ought to be.

Because of the Fall (Gen. 2–3), all of us have some level of distortion or dysfunction. We do not perceive, think, feel, or behave in the healthiest way possible at all times. As a result, emotional distortions such as latent anxiety, shame, low self-esteem, pessimism, depression, and perfectionism (among others) dynamically interact and affect marriage and family interactions.1 And I would add, these distortions can affect all relationships.

Distortions of reality feed dysfunctions. Our personal issues don’t magically go away in relationships. Often, our lack of self-awareness collide with the other person’s lack of self-awareness, and we have a choice to make. We can use this conflict to make us more aware of our issues or totally ignore what the other person is saying and stay wrongly convinced that this will get better on its own. But it won’t. Appropriately addressing the issue is healthy. Ignoring the issue increases the likelihood of dysfunction.

In a relationship when truth is manipulated, denied, or partially omitted for the sake of covering up behaviors that should be addressed, dysfunctions may not just be difficult, they may become destructive. We then run the risk of a pattern of wrongs being tolerated as acceptable, because over time they star...

She would call it “holding me accountable to being a good Christian” but through counseling I started to see this wasn’t her true intention. She was actually holding me hostage to doing things her way or she would make her disapproval known not just to me but to others as well. And, in the end, I realized I had given too much access to her without requiring that same level of responsibility from her.

This kind of emotional closeness encourages that each of you grants great access to one another. And that is not a bad thing. However, with such closeness or access, you must understand what each of you needs from the other to continue a mutually healthy and respectful relationship. This is what I’ve been referring to when I say we need someone’s level of responsibility to match their level of access. You get to communicate what makes you feel respected and disrespected; safe and unsafe; healthy and unhealthy. Your definition of this determines what you need from your closest people. For me, this requires: trust truthfulness transparency tenderness, and a team approach where we can hold each other accountable and hold each other close at the same time. Use my list above to help think through what responsible access means to you.

Consider these questions: •Where am I out of alignment with what I want to be true about my life and what is actually true? •Where am I carrying an unusual amount of relational stress in my life? (Think about where your mouth is saying yes but your body or emotional capacity is saying no.) •Am I trying to numb relational pain in my life? •Do I feel the need to cover up or minimize behaviors by someone in my family because that’s just what we do? •Where in my life am I out of alignment with my personal values?

Relationships often die not because of conversations that were had but rather conversations that were needed but never had. Distortions of reality feed dysfunctions. Where truth is manipulated, denied, or partially omitted for the sake of covering up behaviors that should be addressed, dysfunctions may not just be difficult, they may become destructive. We need a person’s level of responsibility to match their level of access. Good relationships require good boundaries.

REFLECT: As you read this chapter, what conversations came to mind that you may need to initiate with the people in your life? Don’t try to initiate all the conversations at the same time. Prioritize the top three you know are most important to have sooner rather than later. Schedule them with time in between to process, pray, and get to a good place emotionally.

“Good relationships require good boundaries.” List some good boundaries you already have in place in your relationships. PRAYER: God, help me not avoid or become numb to the dysfunction that may be present in some of my relationships. Even when naming it, addressing it, or confronting it feels overwhelming or even impossible, remind me that I am not alone. You are with me. Give me the courage to have the conversations I need to have. Give me wisdom and discernment so I stay soft enough to give the right people the right access but firm enough to reduce the access I’ve given to people who aren’t responsible or trustworthy. In Jesus’ name, amen.