Good Boundaries and Goodbyes: Loving Others Without Losing the Best of Who You Are

by Lysa TerKeurst

I wrongly believe someone’s pushback is an indication that I’m doing something wrong. I don’t like the drama and complications that can happen when I establish a boundary and the other person continues to ask things of me that aren’t in alignment with that boundary. Or they just flat-out ignore the boundary. And when they do, my natural inclination is to take the blame. I allow myself to get pulled into debates about the boundary. My counselor has often reminded me, “Adults inform.

When other people excuse away or minimize this person’s behavior, keeping the boundary can feel doubly difficult. If others don’t feel personally threatened or triggered by this person’s behavior, then they may accuse me of making more out of this situation than I “should.” Usually, these are people who feel a little inconvenienced or frustrated by the boundary and would rather I ignore the issues at hand than address them. This can often happen at the holidays when your family wants everyone to get together, but you have a necessary boundary with someone whose behavior you are no longer willing to tolerate. Or it can happen at work when you are expected to “set aside personal issues” but sometimes professional issues cross over into personal violations.

Trust me with this. If someone is demanding you drop a boundary or trying to charm and convince you that it’s no longer necessary—beware. People who are genuine and honest don’t go on and on trying to convince you what a good person they are. Proverbs 31:30 reminds us that “charm is deceptive.”

This is the cycle of bad boundary-setting: I know a change is needed. I set a boundary with a consequence. But if my motivation is to control, manipulate, or punish another person, I’m already setting myself up for failure. And even if my boundary has the right motivation to better control myself, if I don’t have consequences established for boundary violations, I’ll never enforce those consequences. So, the boundary is violated. I don’t enforce the consequences. The boundary is violated again. I’m aggravated but again I don’t enforce the consequences. The other person keeps pushing. I want to believe it will be better this time, so I give in and drop the boundary. The bad behavior isn’t better and often gets worse over time. Simmering resentments develop in my heart. Now I’m not just frustrated—I’m angry. I say things I shouldn’t say. I do things I wouldn’t normally do. I get into the crazy cycle of trying to get the person to change, and eventually the situation becomes so exacerbating I not only give in I give up.

God takes boundary violations very seriously. And so should we. In Genesis chapter 2, we see evidence of just how important boundaries are when God gave Adam and Eve the one boundary of not eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Here are some important facts we should pay attention to: Boundaries define and protect freedom. When God gave the boundary, He spoke in the context of freedom. He wasn’t trying to be cruel to Adam and Eve. He was trying to protect their freedom. God said to Adam, “You are free to eat from any tree in the garden” (Genesis 2:16) before He communicated the boundary around the one tree they must avoid. God also kept His communication very simple. He defined that they were free to do this, but not that. If you violate this boundary, there’s a consequence.

Access requires responsibility. Remember those three words we’ve talked about before: access, responsibility, and consequence? Adam and Eve had great access to God and the garden. And they had a great responsibility that came along with that access. In Genesis 2:15, Adam and Eve were told to keep the garden: “The LORD God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to work it and keep it” (ESV). At first glance, we may read this to mean they were to be gardeners and keepers of the garden of Eden. Interestingly, that same word keep in Hebrew, samar, can also be translated as to “guard” or “protect.”

Broken boundaries bring consequences.

of our grace as well. Consequences should be for protection not harm.

Let me share one more word picture with you that might help you see what we often feel in challenging relationships but have a hard time expressing in words. Changing an outside behavior without changing the internal issue that’s driving the behavior is like painting a house that has a crumbling foundation. From the road, the house may look impressive.

Never has a statement been more true than when we walked down to the basement of this adorable-looking home. I’ve never seen water spraying out from basement walls like I saw that day. We are talking spraying out—like, you could have stood under any one of the leaks and washed your hair and your dog at the same time. Actually, there was so much water, an entire family plus their dogs and grandmas could have all splashed around in that basement.

In the same way, changed behaviors are good unless they are a temporary performance with a relapse waiting to happen in the wings.

“charm is deceptive.” It’s so easy to be charmed into dropping a boundary. We can have a few good days or even a few good months when it seems things are better. But remember, be honest about what’s really happening. Don’t continue to excuse negative or destructive patterns of behavior or addictions, as if they are just occasional slip-ups and isolated mistakes.

“Things are better” is not the same as “things are healed.” If we drop our boundaries too soon, trying to resurrect those boundaries when the chaos returns will become more and more challenging. And the constant charge of devastating emotions will become more and more damaging. Trying to save a relationship by excusing away boundaries is like trying to save a house with a flooded basement by shooting more and more holes into the foundation.

Being loyal and hoping things will get better is not a bad trait until hope deferred starts to make my heart sick (Proverbs 13:12). I posted this question on Instagram the other night: “Why is it that a flag literally has to be on fire before I tilt my head and say it might be red?” If it’s red, it’s red. If someone’s actions toward me are hurting me, they’re hurting me. If it’s concerning, it’s concerning. If it’s wrong, it’s wrong. And we should be willing to give grace for mistakes. But if the issues are ongoing and continuously harmful, we must acknowledge that and act accordingly.

I’m not a boundaries failure. Neither are you. We are in process. And that, my friend, is one of the healthiest places to be. Remember, boundaries aren’t going to fix the other person. But they are going to help you stay fixed on what is good, what is acceptable, and what you need to stay healthy and safe.

Good boundaries = My focus is on what I do Motivation → Self-control Mindset → I am responsible for my actions. I manage my behavior. I own the actions I choose. Approach → I focus on my self-care, safety, sanity, and other things in my life I can control. Outcome → I accept that I am powerless to control other people. Instead, I use my energy to limit my interactions with difficult people, remove myself from destructive relationships, and pursue loving well the people in my healthy relationships that deserve the best of me. Bad boundaries = My focus is on what the other person does Motivation → Controlling or punishing the other person to get what I need Mindset → I want them to do something different from what they are doing. I have to change their behavior. Or, I am responsible to help manage their behavior. I own the actions they choose.

Approach → Hyper-focused on the other person while constantly negotiating with and trying to motivate (sometimes manipulating) them to do what I feel is right and get from them what I feel I must have. Outcome → A frustrating cycle of me trying to manage the unmanageable dysfunctions until I’m completely burned out, unhealthy, and bitter. Relationships are no longer a source of satisfaction and fulfillment but instead a constant drain on my always-frazzled emotions.

“Adults inform. Children explain.”—Jim Cress

The absence of boundaries means the presence of chaos. The problem isn’t the boundary, it’s that the other person won’t respect the boundary. Boundaries aren’t going to fix the other person. But they are going to help you stay fixed on what is good, what is acceptable, and what you need to stay healthy and safe.

Sometimes good things become wrong things if used in wrong ways.

You have put these kinds of boundaries in place because they’re wise, not because you are mean, rude, uncaring, unchristian, selfish, or insensitive. You are a responsible person. You want to be a good steward of what’s been entrusted to you. Therefore, you walk in reality instead of wishful thinking. You acknowledge and respect the concept of limitations because you don’t like how you act and react when you get stretched too thin. And you wisely establish boundaries when people keep pushing for you to go past your capacity. When people aren’t respectful of our limits, we can set boundaries, or we can pay consequences.

Just like spending that gets out of control can bankrupt a person’s finances, expending too much emotionally

Whatever the “it” is and whoever it involves, please know there is an enormous cost that you and I are probably not factoring in—the trauma1 it’s doing to us. When we allow our emotions to be misused and abused, there will be consequences.

When you are suffering because of choices that affect you but you have no control over, it’s time to start naming what’s really going on. It’s either a situation of misuse of someone’s access to you or a situation of abuse of their influence over you. And often it’s both at the same time.

When you tell others about your relationship do you find yourself exaggerating the small “good things” and suppressing the hard/bad things? Are you experiencing abuse but afraid to call it that? (If the answer is yes, seek help immediately from a trained professional.) Do you ever discern the other person is lying to you but when you ask them questions they get defensive and angry? Do they then, in turn, make you feel like the crazy one? When you see a call or a text from them, do you fear they are about to hijack your peace and send you spiraling emotionally? Are you in love with their potential instead of who they are right now? In conflict with this person, do you often have to take responsibility for everything while they resist taking responsibility for anything? Do you question your worth or your sanity after you have spent time with this person? Are you constantly walking on eggshells because you’re afraid that one bad decision on your part will make the other person walk away? Or worse, you fear they will forever hold that one thing against you and use that instance as a justification to do whatever, or say whatever, they please? Do you feel unable to share exciting successes in your life with this person for fear of them not celebrating you, or worse, attacking or belittling you? Do you spend more time trying to save the relationship than enjoying the relationship? Do you fear their choices? Are they resistant to changing a behavior even though they know it is hur...

To bottom line it for you, I want to share a quote from Gary Thomas. In his book When to Walk Away, he says, “If someone is getting in the way of you becoming the person God created you to be or frustrating the work God has called you to do, for you that person is toxic.”3 When we talk about unhealthy relationships and difficult people, there is quite a range of what this can mean. There’s a difference between difficult relationships that have issues that need to be worked through and destructive relationships that are causing harm to the individuals and others around them. If you have given someone access to your emotions and they are irresponsible and don’t consider how their actions are affecting you, pay attention. You’ll know it by the amount of anxiety that stirs up when they are around. The person who continues to break your heart isn’t in a place to properly care for your heart. Our bodies are created to react to alarming situations. It’s hardwired in us. There is a part of the brain called the limbic system that helps us override the analytical part of our brains and kicks us into fight, flight, or freeze mode. When people lived in the days of saber-toothed tigers it would have been detrimental for someone to get too analytical about what to do while the tiger was baring its teeth and clawing its way closer and closer to them. Instead, their body got an extra dose of energy to react so they could get the heck outta there.

That energy is anxiety. And that anxiety is compelling us to do something about whoever’s actions are making us feel that something isn’t right. Anxiety has gotten such a bad rap for way too long. We are told not to be anxious (Philippians 4:6).

The feeling of anxiety is like an alarm bell alerting us to remember the Lord is near, so we don’t have to overreact; we can let the peace of God protect our hearts and minds, and intentionally direct and filter our thoughts, factoring in what is still good. And keep putting into practice these good principles. It’s understandable that you and I feel anxious when someone is misusing or abusing the access we give them. But we need to let that anxiety be an alarm and not a constant state of being.

Or there’s been an issue in your marriage, and you want to have an open, healthy conversation with your spouse. But based on previous conversations that have gone poorly, you tend to personalize what he says, and he tends to bring in past grievances, causing everything to escalate and get off topic. So, you decide in order to continue to keep this level of access to each other’s tender concerns, ground rules need to be established so you each know how to be responsible and caring toward the other. You might say, “In order for us to stay in this conversation, we need to agree not to attack each other, raise our voices, get defensive, or bring up other grievances or topics that aren’t related to the discussion at hand. If any of these occur, we will have to pause the conversation and try again at another set time. For both our sakes, I am unwilling to move forward in a conversation that turns hurtful.”

Here are five factors to help you set good boundaries: 1. A BOUNDARY ISN’T TO TAKE CONTROL OF THE OTHER PERSON’S ACTIONS The purpose of a boundary is to help you stay self-controlled and safe. A friend of mine recently said, “I thought I was setting a boundary, but I was actually just trying to control the situation by forcing the other person to change.” If your focus is trying to change the other person, you will quickly feel like boundaries don’t work for you. It’s time to shift your focus to what you can control with your boundary: Your environment What you are, and are not, willing to tolerate What you do, and do not, have to give Your boundary should help set the stage so your emotions can stay more regulated, you can regain a sense of safety, and you can feel more empowered to make necessary changes. 2. GRACE HAS A PLACE IN THIS CONVERSATION

We can be gracious in how we talk about our concerns, our need for a boundary, and the consequences if the boundary is violated.

My counselor, Jim, always says, “Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don’t say it mean.” Remember, a boundary will most likely mean a change in this relationship for you and for them. It’s not wrong for them to ask questions and maybe ev...

“Get curious, not furious.” You may find it helpful to ask questions about their concerns instead of making assumptions and accusations. Again,

This doesn’t mean we don’t say the hard things or set boundaries. It means we recognize we want conflict resolution instead of conflict escalation. 3. BOUNDARIES HELP YOU FIGHT FOR THE RELATIONSHIP

Boundaries are for your sake and theirs so you don’t have to keep fighting against unhealthy behaviors, attitudes, and patterns. We can set a boundary, or we will set the stage for simmering resentments. Simmering in the frustrations of knowing things need to change, or trying to get the other person to change, is way more damaging than a boundaries conversation. Yes, boundaries can feel risky. But it’s a much bigger risk to delay or refuse to have needed conversations. 4. A BOUNDARY WITHOUT A REAL CONSEQUENCE WILL NEVER BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY

logic. A boundary presented as a hopeful wish is nothing but a weak suggestion. And a boundary presented as a threat will only do more damage. If we can’t or won’t follow through with a consequence, then that person will eventually stop respecting what we have to say and ignore all future boundary attempts.

Avoid using the words always and never or any other language of extremes.

The consequence should be a statement, not a question.

It’s often people who need boundaries the most who will respect them the least. Don’t be surprised or caught off guard by this.

5. PLAY OUT HOW THIS BOUNDARY WILL BENEFIT YOU

stay in the same kind of relationship with you. This isn’t an accusation against you. I’m just accepting the reality that this issue is affecting me mentally and physically, and it’s time to acknowledge that and make some necessary changes. I’m committed to caring well for myself. Therefore, I have decided to stop asking you to change and instead create some distance between us so that simmering resentments don’t overtake our relationship. This isn’t easy but it is necessary. If you would like to continue working on our relationship, I am willing to do that as long our interactions are only in the presence of my counselor.”

“Thank you for being willing to talk about some challenges we’ve been experiencing in our relationship. Let’s keep this conversation calm and kind. If things escalate to yelling, blaming, or hurtful words, I will excuse myself, and we will have to resume it at another time.”

Dysregulation is when an external trigger causes you to go into your limbic system (fight, flight, or freeze mode), which is an automatic physical response to a perceived threat. The limbic

The anxiety quiets when an appropriate action restores feelings of safety. A problem arises when our limbic system tells us the situation isn’t safe, but we don’t know what to do.

Helpful tips for when you feel triggered: You can be honest that you are feeling triggered and it’s best to call a time-out. It’s wise to avoid trying to continue a conversation when you are flooded with anxiety. Move your body. Drink water and wait twenty minutes for your prefrontal cortex (the “thinking” brain) to resume logical thoughts. If you say something you regret, be gracious with yourself. Don’t berate yourself. Say, “I am human. Knowing my story, my response made sense. I offer myself compassion, and I take responsibility for my actions and reactions. And if I need to ask for forgiveness from the one I hurt, I will do so.”

When people aren’t respectful of our limits, we can set boundaries, or we can pay consequences. The person who continues to break your heart isn’t in a place to properly care for your heart. If your focus is trying to change the other person, you will quickly feel like boundaries don’t work for you. “Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don’t say it mean.”—Jim Cress It’s often people who need boundaries the most who will respect them the least. A boundary without a real consequence will never be taken seriously.

Anxiety coursing through me. My chest tightening and twisting.

For months leading up to this day, I kept trying to manage my anxiety around clues that things weren’t right. I was doing all the things I’ve been advised to do when I felt the edges of panic starting to close in on me. Thank you, therapy. After several years of working with my counselor I knew the regimen by heart. Drink at least four ounces of water. Pray a simple request for help. Give myself at least twenty minutes for the limbic part of my brain to settle down a bit before trying to make any decisions or have any hard discussions. Go outside and put my feet in the grass and look up to be reminded the world is still spinning. Go for a walk. Listen to music that calms and feeds my soul. Process with a wise, safe friend who can help me see what I might be missing or assure me that I’m not crazy. All those things help. But when the bottoms of my feet started having permanent grass stains, it was time to stop trying to manage the anxiety and instead investigate the source. I wanted things to be alright. I wanted calm. But calm didn’t seem to want me. Calm is like setting a thermostat at the right temperature for keeping a house cool on a blazing hot summer day.

This person didn’t consider how her actions and reactions were affecting our relationship. She refused to acknowledge the impact all this was having on both of us. It’s also important to say that I didn’t always get things right in our conversations. But I was committed to fostering an environment between us where there was no yelling, we let the other person talk without interrupting, we wouldn’t make accusations, and we would have empathy for each other. This person didn’t see any need to embrace healthier ways of communicating. The way things had always been was still so very acceptable to them.

And as I continued to pursue progress over time, it only exposed the major differences between healthy behaviors and unhealthy ones. It almost started to seem as if some people in my life were more and more offended by my efforts—more and more frustrated with my definition of what was acceptable and was no longer acceptable—and more and more resistant to addressing issues.