Good Boundaries and Goodbyes: Loving Others Without Losing the Best of Who You Are

by Lysa TerKeurst

“Your healing will bring out the emotional immaturity of those around you not willing to pursue health for themselves.”

gap, and figure out what to do. If this is you, don’t be surprised by the tension caused by relational strain. And when you decide to establish boundaries and the other person tries to label you as controlling, difficult, or uncooperative, see it as a compliment. Yes, you read that right—see it as a compliment. They are frustrated with you because you are no longer willing to participate in the unhealthy patterns of the past. You have decided to raise your actions and words to higher levels of maturity. And if someone chooses not to join you, there will be great tension. In every relationship there are patterns of relating. If you change the pattern and the other person doesn’t agree with the change, there will be agitation.

The tension exists because you are doing the difficult work of no longer cooperating with dysfunction.

“What people don’t work out, they act out.” Their unwillingness to address the issues driving their behavior is their choice. You cannot force people to do what they are not willing to do. You don’t need to fight it. Agree with it and accept it. Grieve someone’s refusal to keep growing, but don’t beg them to see your boundaries as a good thing. They may never see your boundaries as a good thing.

It’s not a personal attack against you (although it will certainly feel excruciatingly personal at times). It’s an attempt by that other person to protect whatever illegitimate ways they are getting their legitimate needs met.

one-up others’ achievements to prove how great they are, spending money they don’t have, shaming and blaming you, substance abuse, saying mean and cruel things to you or about you, using manipulative tactics to try to stay in control of you, or any other unhealthy choices they make that are negatively impacting your relationship. You have a right to be concerned. Sometimes the problem is that you’re more concerned for them than they are concerned for themselves. And chances are you are very aware of how their actions are affecting you while they are either not aware or not concerned.

You will never be able to stay where you are and lift them to a more mature or healthy place. They have to do the work themselves.

The real risk is the longer you stay in this tension, the possibility increases that you’ll get pulled down. Remember, our motivation is to love people well, and to do this we can’t allow ourselves to get into such an emotionally drained and unhealthy place that this isn’t possible.

When you attempt to have honest conversations about the issues at hand (not the other person’s emotional immaturity) with loving care as the motivation, and you are rejected or attacked in return, the relationship will need to change.

As I’ve said before, health cannot bond with unhealth. A refusal to grow and mature emotionally is a big indication of unhealth.

emotional maturity as “a high and appropriate level of emotional control and expression.”1 Emotional immaturity, on the other hand, is “a tendency to express emotions without restraint or disproportionately to the situation.”

Mature people can disagree but still respect the sanity of the other person. Mature people are willing to see the impact their actions are having on the other person and make reasonable adjustments. Or, if they are unwilling to adjust, mature people at least communicate their unwillingness and acknowledge that the relationship may need to change significantly. They do all of this without accusing, abusing, or losing it.

It’s immaturity that creates the crazy-making effect of causing you to doubt reality, second guess what is true, and get yourself so off-kilter you stop addressing what obviously needs to be talked about.

Another person’s immaturity will always be felt by...

Be wise with setting and keeping your boundaries and remember that you don’t have to stay in the same place the other person is in. And use these insights to help you become more aware of what’s at play, so you don’t keep feeling like the crazy one and discounting your discernment.

They go back to unhealthy coping mechanisms when they have a bad day or a hard conversation.

They tend not to own any of their parts of a conflict, always saying, “but you . . .” in response.

More times than not, they lack empathy in situations and do not consider how their choices will affect the other person.

They do not take responsibility for themselves or their actions and expect yo...

They refuse to acknowledge how unhealed trauma from their past, possibly even their childhood, needs to be worked out so it’s not acted out. They rewrite history to prove a point th...

They let their emotions get the best of them and sabotage what otherwise should have been a beautiful moment. Instead of acknowledging or confessing wrongdoing, they sweep it under the rug and hope they’re not caught.

If we’re progressing toward emotional maturity, we’re not staying stuck in immaturity.

Emotionally mature people aren’t eager to weaponize the list above against other people.

Most of the time we simply think of sobriety as saying no to substances that make us lose control. But having a sober mind can also be an instruction not to let ourselves get out of control with our emotions as well.

Peter reminds us that while it is true that God wants us to give Him our anxiety, we also have a responsibility to stay clear-headed and pay attention to what is affecting and triggering our emotions. Here’s what I don’t see in this passage about dealing with anxiety: passivity.

Just like gravitational forces help the water achieve equilibrium, so will the pressures of life make it evident if there is equilibrium in a relationship or not. Healthy equilibrium in a relationship is possible only when both people are equally committed to these things: healthy habits self-awareness empathy for the feelings of the other person

When one person dabbles in unhealthy habits, refuses to look at themselves through the lens of reality, or stops considering the feelings of the other, there will be an ever-increasing tension until you sink to where they are or they rise to where you are. Only you can decide how to either manage that tension or say “enough is enough” and make changes.

What people don’t work out, they act out. When someone doesn’t work through their issues, they’ll make their issues your issues. When someone has internal chaos from what hasn’t been worked out internally, they will often stir up external chaos and point the finger of blame. Blame is an attempt to medicate unhealed pain. So, when you try to establish boundaries to protect yourself from the chaos, they’ll see this as an extremely offensive move and will try to manipulate you into feeling guilty, so you drop your boundary. A manipulative person has never met a boundary that they liked! Chances are the manipulator has unhealed trauma or childhood wounds from the past that make them resistant to any perceived control over them.

A manipulative person will see your boundary as a yellow light while you intended it to be a red light—with a full stop—to ensure your safety. A manipulator will intentionally speed through that intersection, risking whatever damage may happen to themselves or to you. A manipulative person will do anything to resist feeling controlled.

If you feel you have to trade the best of who you are to protect the worst of who they are, do not ignore this red flag. Healthy equilibrium in a relationship is possible only when both people are equally committed to these things: healthy habits, self-awareness, and empathy for the feelings of the other person.

I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. (Psalm 121:1–2) Be sober-minded; be watchful. (1 Peter 5:8 ESV) Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong. Do everything in love. (1 Corinthians 16:13–14) REFLECT:

“Your healing will bring out the emotional immaturity of those around you not willing to pursue health for themselves.” How do you relate to this? When you read this sentence, “They are frustrated with you because you are no longer willing to participate in the unhealthy patterns of the past,” what situations came to mind? What are some of the unhealthy patterns in relationships you are no longer willing to participate in? When have you felt like you had to trade the best of who you are to protect the worst of who someone else is?

PRAYER: Father, this journey to health and wholeness isn’t hopeless. Help me stay sober-minded and alert. As I choose to stop participating in unhealthy behaviors and dysfunctional relationship patterns, I am asking for Your help. I know boundaries are not easy but help me make healthy changes. As I draw necessary boundaries, please help me process any disappointment I’m simultaneously feeling. I believe You have good things in store for me. In Jesus’ name, amen.

If we live with this mindset, we will be desperate to try and control people’s perception of us. We will spend our lives managing opinions to always be favorable toward us so we can feel good about ourselves. But think about the tragic reality of that mindset. Being too concerned with gaining the approval of others can give us a divided heart with God.

Being misunderstood is so brutal because someone else is taking liberties with our identity.

They are disillusioning. When someone else makes us question our need for the boundary, we can second-guess reality, our sanity, our rationality, and even the severity of what’s really going on. We can easily start to wonder if the real problem is us rather than considering the source and why we are in this hard dynamic in the first place.

Unhealthy people typically don’t manage their emotions and expectations (self-regulate) very well and can easily get offended when their lack of responsibility doesn’t become your emergency. Their thought process is often that their need trumps your limitations. And the telltale sign of their unhealthiness is their unwillingness to accept no as an answer without trying to make you feel terrible, punished, or unsure about the necessity of the boundary. If we want to stay healthy, we have to use our limited energy in the right way. We could waste years putting all our efforts into trying to change the other person’s mind or prove to them why we need the boundary, or worst of all, we could drop the boundary altogether and continue living in dysfunction.