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May 21 - June 2, 2023
Being around people who loved me and whom I loved healed me.
our mental health issues are fueled by kinks in how we relate to others.
the first step to developing rich, thriving friendships is understanding what might be getting in the way.
Initiative ignites friendship, while authenticity, productive anger, and vulnerability all sustain it by permitting us to show up as our full selves. Generosity and affection deepen friendships by verifying to friends just how much we love them.
“They listen well. They make you feel funny and valued. You often catch them looking after other people and as they do so their laugh is musical and their manner is infused with gratitude. . . . Those are the people we want to be.”
“For our life to feel significant, we crave someone to witness it, to verify its importance.
“As you approach the end of your life, you realize each day is a gift, and you want to spend it in ways that are truly important. And for me, that means spending it with friends.”
“For it does not desire this or that body, but desires the splendor of the divine light shining through bodies.”
Through friendship, we can self-select into some of the most affirming, safe, and sacred relationships of our lives, not because of pressures from society to do so, but because we elect to do so.
people who felt disconnected experienced something called social cynicism, “a negative view of human nature, a biased view against some groups of people, a mistrust of social institutions, and a disregard of ethical means for achieving an end.”
Because we avoid what we feel shame over, we miss out on the opportunities to explore those pieces of our identity.
revealing her shame allowed her to understand the slice of her suppressed by the shame.
Here was someone she was curious about, even envious of, and she expressed her intrigue with jabs. Lee was a threat because she reminded Callee of the ways her life was empty.
Our friends advertise the kaleidoscope of ways we can live. They expose us to new ways of being in the world, showing us another life is possible.
tenets of self-expansion theory. The theory emphasizes that our identity needs to constantly expand for us to be fulfilled,
Being home after first year (or during covid) is a time of identity stagnation
“If I am close to you, who I am is deeply and centrally different because of you; and this difference is that who I am deeply and centrally is you.”
calls it “spiritual,” a relationship that allows the “soul to grow
more refined by practice.”
Rather, we’re just unconsciously rummaging through our past to make sense of the world.
Attachment is what we project onto ambiguity in relationships, and our relationships are rife with ambiguity. It’s the “gut feeling” we use to deduce what’s really going on. And this gut feeling is driven not by a cool assessment of events but by the collapsing of time, the superimposition of the past onto the present.
but so we can understand ourselves better and grow in our friendships.
The study lends credence to a psychological theory called reciprocity theory, which emphasizes that people treat us like we treat them. If we are kind, open, and trusting, people are more likely to respond in kind.
As mentioned, they’re more likely to initiate new friendships, as well as productively address conflict and share intimate things about themselves.
How to be secure
“I related to them. Sometimes one friend will go through something and you’re like, ‘He keeps talking about this. That is so annoying.’ You vent to another friend, but it doesn’t take away from the love that you have for that person and the support that you will continue to show them. I’m accepting of that, and it’s part of the dynamics of friendships.”
A solid sense of self, unrattled by the skirmishes that inevitably arise in close relationships, gives secure people the composure to grant others grace,
They freely express their needs, not looking to blame or accuse, but to understand and be understood
“Sustaining relationships with others requires a good relationship to ourselves. Healthy self-esteem is an internal sense of worth that pulls one neither into ‘better than’ grandiosity nor ‘less than’ shame.”
In being open to other’s needs, seeing them not as an assault to one’s ego but as an opportunity to treat others better, secure people continuously grow into better friends.
Others needs is a way to care for them deeply
Secure friends make you feel safe.
your secure friends make you feel loved regardless. Researchers found that secure people report being more accepting of others and better listeners.
They provide us with friendships that heal.
Make people feel human, not shame
Don’t depend on others, and don’t let others depend on you.
I once said at the end of the day you only have yourself. Object!
sometimes yourself can't see clearly. Sometimes you are a nut case. Reach out. You will never be alone in this life. Ever.
When people try to connect with them, avoidants are closed off and distrusting, assuming others have ulterior motives. Their friends often describe them as a “mystery” or an “enigma” since they avoid sharing much about themselves.
Me in grade 12
To keep others at bay, avoidants bury their heads in work,
Work/excercise...food obsession
migrating friends from one context to another, like inviting a work friend to their home for a potluck.
School friends out for brunch, to hang on the weekend
avoidant individuals reduce their dependence on each specific friend. This potentially reduces their concerns regarding trust and reliance.”
I could pick up and go at any moment if needed
Friends move or change jobs, and when out of sight, they drop out of mind. Lewis said, “When friends were no longer around, I didn’t miss them. I didn’t call or write, and they would get upset, but I didn’t feel the need to.”
We are hardwired to need people, and when we claim we don’t, something is amiss.
When friends asked him to come over, he’d say no, because rejecting them made him feel powerful and in control.
Without feelings as a guide, avoidants often don’t know what is going on with them or why they act the way they do.
Although Lewis worried about being perceived as a villain, the truth is that many avoidant behaviors hurt others.
Their compulsive need to be strong and avoid feelings is a rule they not only hold themselves to, but one they hold others to as well.
As we’ll see later in this book, vulnerability, asking for support, working through conflict, accepting others—the gamut of behaviors that avoidants shun—are the lifeblood of friendship.
Studies find they are less invested, committed, and ultimately satisfied in their friendships.
Another study finds that avoidants are less likely to initiate new friendships and maintain existing ones.
By keeping others at a distance, avoidants opt out of the responsibilities of connection, but they also opt out of its balm—its ability to make us feel whole, seen, supported. They surrender the ways that connection imbues us with a zest for life, enlivens us, and brings our lives meaning.
Eventually, the pressure of muffled feelings becomes too much, and anxious people erupt.
“When you feel like the other person is about to leave you, there’s this overwhelming amount of emotion that makes you want to charge at that person to get them to make you feel better. I feel like I’m just out of control of my emotions and I need someone to soothe me because I can’t soothe myself,”
Vulnerable narcissists reveal the self-centeredness of pain, how we prioritize our needs and shun those of others when we’re hurting.
Because they’re comfortable with intimacy, they’re able to grow close bonds just as easily as the secure, but research finds their relationships are more emotionally intense and volatile.
