Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make—and Keep—Friends

by Marisa G. Franco

when we over-accuse, we make it difficult for the offending party to offer the apology we seek.

beneficial conflict resolution tactics of the secure, which include sharing feelings and needs without blaming, assuming the other has positive intent, taking their perspective, and admitting one’s role in the problem.

“Secure people make insecure people look good during conflict,” Dr. Simpson told me. They engage in co-regulation, where they soothe not only their own feelings but also those of the other party.

Before you approach your friend, you should ask yourself these questions: What do I hope to achieve through this conflict? What’s my role in this problem, and what’s my friend’s? Do I see the conflict as a way to make the friendship better? Can I calmly approach my friend? Am I ready to balance sharing my perspective with taking my friend’s? Prime Your Friend for Constructive Conflict

Owning your part doesn’t minimize your concerns or make the issue your fault. It acknowledges multiple truths—that you can be upset by a problem and unknowingly add to it.

“I knew when I said something off the wall, she’d charge it to my mouth instead of my heart,” she said.

If we get defensive during conflict, we also miss out on an opportunity for enlightenment. Conflict is one of the only times we get honest feedback about ourselves. Without it, we obliviously cause harm.

If we view a friend’s feedback not as a putdown but as an enlightenment opportunity, we can respond to their concern by appreciating their feedback, taking responsibility, and growing. Practically, this looks like being responsive when our friend is upset. Many studies find that responsiveness improves relationships. It has three parts: showing understanding (rephrasing what our friend said back to them), validation (telling them their concern is valid and understandable), and care (sharing what we will do to improve).

You don’t have to agree with your friend’s feelings to be responsive. You might think they’re totally off base in reading into your conversation with their wife at the party. But you never said you agreed; you said you understood. You said that their feelings are legitimate, not that you feel the same way.

Let’s disabuse ourselves of the notion that conflict should be easy. Our relationships are the most important aspects of our lives. They deserve our painstaking effort, our highest selves.

If it was still awkward, the conflict wasn’t over. I reached out to my friend and said, “Hey! I have felt things have been a bit off since we had conflict. I value your friendship and would love to get things back on track. I wanted to open up the conversation to see if there’s any more air we can clear.”

that regulation is a privilege since dysregulation often comes from trauma. Thinking of regulation this way helps me to have more compassion for myself and my friends when conflict escalates.

how to say no to a friend in need: “I’m at capacity . . . Could we connect [later time and date]? Do you have someone else you could reach out to?”

When we give to earn love, we lack self-love, and so we’ll give until we collapse.

When we ask for things too, it refuels us and plucks out any weeds of resentment, so we can give more.

My friends’ responses to such boundaries convey something fundamental about friendship: we expect our friends to try their best to show up in our times of need.

The more support we get from friends, another study found, the more support we give to them and the more secure and close we feel to them.

In our friends’ times of need, new age friendship boundaries default to the all-or-none of “Given my current state, I can’t offer you anything,” whereas communal boundaries require us to ask ourselves, “Given my current state, what can I offer?”

“Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments.”

Because we’re social creatures, to prod us to connect, our bodies have a rule: whatever we do to connect with others also makes us healthy.

the most important quality was that a friend made them feel good about themselves. People who excel at making friends have one thing in common, and it’s less who they are and more how they treat people. They make people feel like they matter.

we think our affection will freak people out, but it actually makes them feel closer to us.

“I love you, but you can’t keep running away from your shit. You have to deal with it. I see a pile of clothing in the bed, and I know that’s why you’re not sleeping there. I have to go to class. But when I get home, I’ll do laundry with you. I’ll help you. I’ll bring back food and we’ll do this together. But it has to happen.”

Other people tell me to do something, and I’m like, well fuck you. But with her, I actually listen because of how she says it.”

Similarly, if we want people to invest in us, we need to make them feel safe to. And we grant this security when we show affection. We impart that we love, value, and accept someone, so they can feel safe to take the risks of intimacy with us.

When we make our friends know they are loved and accepted, they let their guard down and melt into a secure pro-relationship mode. They feel comfortable initiating with us, checking in with us, affirming us, being vulnerable with us. They are invested in us. We bring out the best in them, and they bring out the best in us, in an upward spiral that brings out the best in friendship.

Here is a list of ways to show affection to a friend: Tell them how much they mean to you. When they reach out, tell them how happy you are to hear from them. Be excited at their good news. Compliment them. Praise their hard work. Greet them warmly. Let them know when they share something that’s meaningful to you. Tell them when you think of them in passing. Tell other people how great you think they are. Let them know when they impress you. Tell them they’ll succeed in reaching their dreams. Tell them when you think they have a great idea. Smile at them genuinely. Remind them you are grateful to know them.

“What helps you feel my appreciation toward you?”

When people with low self-esteem receive compliments, the gap between how someone views them and how they view themselves triggers an identity crisis.

Make being a good friend a part of who you are, because a deep and true core that needs to belong lies within us all.