Wrath (Sinful Secrets, #4)

by Ella James

There's something wrong. He looks so fucking bleak. "Tell me what's the matter, angel." I trace my fingertips over his forehead, my stomach flipping when tears well in his eyes.

Damn. Whatever convo he had with his mother obviously wasn’t good and now he’s acting like he’s not gonna be with you for much longer.

"Miller," he murmurs, sounding half asleep. "Yeah, Ez?" "Don't let go." "I won't." "Promise?" "Yeah angel. Promise forever,"

He’s about to bolt..

I roll over, finding it empty, and something clenches in my gut—a sort of twisting dread I can't explain—so I get up and check the bathroom.

He bolted or he’s about to kill himself..

"It says that he's going back to his mom's.” The words are so slow, monotone, and I don’t understand them. “He says...he wants to move back."

Told you he was about to bolt..

I’m in here again. At Sheppard Pratt. It’s so crazy how it all went down, but my mom’s crazy. When Dad called her to tell her I’m gay and they should support me and be proud, he didn’t know what trouble it would kick off.

Yeah, I had a feeling. Which is why you should’ve told your dad the entire truth..why would you not ??

As soon as Mom found out that I’ve been ‘living the gay lifestyle’ in Fairplay, she went ballistic. She’s a zealot, and there’s nothing worse to her than a gay son.

Yupp, I figured she would act that way.

She called and told me if I don’t come back to Sheppard Pratt and get back on psych meds to “control those urges”- she’ll tell the police…this secret I have. It’s a secret nobody can ever know. Not even you.

Again, I’m so over this mystery🙄..

I did something terrible one time, Millsy. But I did it because I had to. I guess you could call it self-defense. It’s something that, if people found out, it would ruin my life. Like, really ruin it. And my mom knows that.

Again.. you should’ve talked to your dad. Especially after you came out to him and how receptive he was about the news. He loves you and would help you with whatever the big problem is. As well as deal with your mother..

Mom said all I have to do here is get back on antidepressants so I won’t ‘feel those urges’ and do a booster round of ECT. And then I can come home. To her house, of course.

She’s nuts

I love you. Please stay safe. Don’t ride bikes and don’t have any seizures. Love me- okay? Can you please still love me? Even if it’s been a while? I’ll always love you too.

😔damn❤️‍🩹

Saw my stats the other day online. God-like. Do I remember any of it? Not a damn thing. Mom told me Carl was a dickwad and when he found out I’m gay, he called her up and told her that I had to go.

Wooooooow. That’s crazy. She really is a lunatic.

Josh Miller is my stepbrother. He’s the son of Dad’s new wife, Suzanne Miller. I lived with him. And he’s fucking gorgeous, dude. Looks like a surfer with a tan and wavy dark brown hair, blue eyes and freckles.

Welp..this will be interesting to see play out.

"Lemme tell you about being at a bar, in a backroom, freckles. When you're young like you, you got an ass like that and you're on your fifth drink, you gotta stay safe from the old guys,

Love that he’s looking out for him. 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

“Nightmare. I’m not upset.” I’m a stalker, and my stalkee has a boyfriend. Now I want to hang myself—since Xanax doesn’t work.

Lol. It’s funny. His subconscious is telling him the truth he just doesn’t know which puzzle piece goes where.

twists like he’s angry. And he says, “I’m unequivocally against it, of course. Not only is it damaging—it’s abuse—but it’s ineffective, and most importantly, it goes against what I see as the will of God.

This part.

I could get it up when female nurses jerked me off, but then I couldn't. Even with the stuff they gave us, I couldn't. I didn't like their cool, thin hands.

Smh.. wow. So I was right. He went to this conversion therapy clinic thingy and had a horrible experience, then his moms committed him and then the rest is history.. woow

I tell him how Paul lost it and locked me in the supply closet. I even manage a laugh at the analogy of that. "It's like that bad R. Kelly song." And he laughs. "I think I remember that."

WTF..

"Anyway, I was locked inside there for thirty-four days." My voice doesn't crack at all on that part, but I can’t breathe after I say it.

Sad.

"It was my fault. I stopped eating it in...protest. I don't know. There were needles in there. I would stab myself with them, like syringe needles. So I could feel something," I choke.

Ugh, 🤦🏾‍♀️ sad.

"They said I went crazy. That's what they told my mom. Then she took me to Sheppard Pratt. Like inpatient. And they said I have all this stuff. Bipolar. Psychosis. But they didn’t know about Alton. That was the name of the place. My mom said if I told, I’d be sorry.”

So what happened to Paul that made your moms threaten you to leave your happy oasis ?? What was so bad that you could be in legal trouble ???

Before I get in, I open up the bathroom drawer and pull one of my little magic bars out. There's this guy that sells them a few doors down. Don't wanna stop taking the Xannie and stop drinking all at once.

Smh. Pathetic. I’m sorry, it’s never that deep or serious. It’s your first heartbreak, okay.. after a while you gotta move on. What you’re doing right now, it’s not good babe. It’s not healthy.

He was mine. He loved me! MILLER! I didn't goddamn dream it. I really wasn’t crazy.

Nope. Your moms just fucked you up badly.

I think again of myself sleeping with my phone against my pecs. I think of that awful, tight-chest feeling. How I wanted him but didn't know. Miller loved me and I didn't know. And I start sobbing.

❤️‍🩹🥺 puddin.

“Yeah, I know. It’s rape, but these people didn’t see it that way. They got paid well, so I think the place attracted sadists who could do whatever they wanted, off the grid.

And if they were doing those things to you, imagine what the male nurses were doing to the girls…omg, I’m disgusted 🤢

Remove your partner from you in the clinic phase, and you’d get lonely, scared and all. And then before you left, they’d tell you that the two of you would—” I look back up, waving my hand. “You know.”

What ?!? Omg 🫢

I had asked before if he’d been fucking Riley; I let him know that Riley mattered. So he brings her in, and he says we can both leave if I’ll fuck her, right? Both her and me.” Josh hugs me tighter,

Oh nooo.. please no.🤦🏾‍♀️

“Anyway.” My voice is rough as fuck. “I didn’t do it. Paul sent everybody out. I was still weak, and…Paul Tasered me and turned me over.”

Oh thank God !

“He pulled my pants down, and he tried to get his dick into me.” Miller holds me so tight. “I was fighting. We were on the floor, and I was losing my mind…and somehow I got his throat. And when I squeezed…”

Good ❗️ The sick deserved whatever happened next.

“Somehow,” I whisper. “He had a stroke.” I wipe my face with a hand. “I thought I killed him. But I didn’t. Then I got strapped down to the bed, and the staff called my mom. And she took me back home from Alton.”

This is the big secret ?! You didn’t even kill him. And your mother had the AUDACITY to threaten you with this ??? Wooowww.

I told her I wanted to move down with Dad. But it wasn’t because I wanted to,” I rasp out. “I was going to hang myself. I had it all in my Jeep.”

😔sad.

"I don't really know you. But I feel like I can't live without you." I love that. I need it. If he can’t remember, I can adjust; it’s okay as long as I feel like he loves me.

Whatever works for you babe.

He pushed through all that shit to be his superstar football player self, and I fell apart because of…nothing. Getting left and ghosted, that was nothing, nothing,

I’m happy you’re coming to your sense about yourself..cause sweetie.. that was truly pathetic behavior.

It was something, I interrupt myself. This. The two of us hugged up together. It was everything, I correct myself. It might not be like what happened to him, but it wrecked me.

Mmmmm, not enough for you to act the way you were acting but sure..go and sis. 🥴

It’s him and me. Ezra is behind me—wrapped around me—and he’s smiling like he’s so damn happy. I’ve got my head leaned slightly back against him, and I look downright blissful.

Aaww, that sounds cuteee❤️‍🩹

I remembered. And it’s okay. It’s fucked up and sad and crazy. I feel all this shit toward my mom. But it’s okay, I tell myself.

Good.

I cup his face, wondering as I look into his blue eyes how he can still love me. Fuck, he’s given everything to me, and I was so shitty to my Mills—especially at first.

I wondered that too at first, but I get it now. 🫶🏽

We end up on his bed, kissing fast and hard and frenzied as tears fall from my eyes.

Enough with the crying…please 🙄

“You are…? I don’t think I got your name.” “Josh Miller,” I tell her. I’m surprised when Ezra’s eyes open. “My husband,”

Lol. Cute.

He’s wiping his eyes with his hand that has a Band-Aid from the IV. “Sorry,” he says, and I’m shocked to find he’s full-on crying.

😂🙄 mans is always crying.

How do you feel?” Tears fill my eyes. I try not to blink so they don’t fall. I’m fucking tired of crying.

Yeah, and I’m tired of you crying too.