Wrath (Sinful Secrets, #4)

by Ella James

I get to hold him. I try to hold him tight so he'll feel safe. I feel him breathe, and in those seconds, there's no space between us. Once or twice, he tucked my head to his chest as he was holding onto me. It felt so good.

Whatever…🙄

There’s a feeling back behind my eyes somewhere—a sort of pressure. Ezra, I think. But I can’t say it. I can’t do anything as my knees buckle.

Wait, I had to come back and highlight this part.. oh shit, I do think it’s a seizure..

Oh, fuck. Did I hurt him? I have to go say something to him. Or you could just go back to the trestle bridge where you belong.

Self hate, shame.. the list goes on…

Just walk in there. I play the words through my head: “Miller? Hey…I’m sorry.” I can’t say it, though. I can’t let him know about me.

That you’re gay ? I think we’ve already come to that agreement babe..

a fresh wave of guilt for invading his space while he’s in the shower. Now I’m in here, though, I’m inhaling his Dial-scented steam. I’m going to tell him sorry, then go.

Well that’s good that you want to apologize. It’s a start. But saying it and actually meaning g it are two vastly different things 💁🏽‍♀️

I hear another soft gasp. My chest is so tight, I can’t stop myself from pulling the blue shower curtain back. I find him on the tub’s floor, crumpled on his side. He’s choking on the water, and his body’s jerking rhythmically.

WTF ?!

Holy shit! I can’t move or even think straight for a second. In horror, I’m stumbling into the shower with him, crouching over him and reaching for his face. His whole body’s jerking.

What is he having a seizure or something ??? 👀WTF IA HAPPENING IN THIS DAMN BOOK ?!?

“Miller? Fuck! You gotta stop!” My body’s blocking shower water from his face now, but his eyes are rolling back, and it’s still going. “Miller! Dammit!”

Yeaahh, definitely a seizure.. WTF brought this on ??

then he goes so limp he’s gotta be dead. “Miller! Please…” I grip his face, searching for some sign of life. Something in my chest cracks as I notice there’s a line of blood right at the corner of his lip.

This is not good. Not good at all.

jerking the shower curtain, half falling out of the tub. I throw my arm across the countertop, sending everything flying. I hear a crash a half second before I realize I’m throwing things. I can’t stop.

Call 911, umm HELLO !

I stand, dizzy as fuck, and pull the shower curtain open, blink down at him through my blurry eyes, and that’s when I hear rasping. His chest’s moving. He’s breathing!

Thank goodness was. But still get him to the hospital.

Miller coughs and then starts gagging. I’m weak with relief as I climb back into the tub and kneel over him. Focus, Ezra. Fucking focus. It’s not Alton.

What happened there ??

His hand covers his face, and he starts breathing louder. Is he choking? I realize he’s crying, and it fucking breaks me. “Oh, fuck. Miller. It’s okay.”

TAKE HIM TO THE HOSPITAL… PLEASE ❗️

“You have seizures, Miller? Have you ever had a seizure before?” His eyes find mine, almost like he’s just realizing I’m here. He looks so damn tired.

Oh good, you do know what one looks like ! Let’s get him to the hospital now.

She asks if he’s coherent. “Yeah. He knew who I was and he tried to make a joke.” “Oh, poor Joshua. We thought we were over this, but evidently not…”

Aaahhh, sooo what triggered it ??

They end up telling me Miller has motherfucking epilepsy. It’s the childhood kind that people outgrow.

….hmmm.

I go around the bed and sit on the opposite edge, cover my face with my hands. I’ve been fucking with him. Christ. I just…toy with him. Because he’s such a good boy. Because he seems so perfect. I wanted to break him.

Yeah, what’s your deal ?!

I should go down to the bridge and tie a rope around my feet and fucking jump off. What if this is my fault? I upset him.

Suicidal. A liar. Hateful. Mean. Just a complicated person huh ?

Ezra September 7, 2017 I was wrong about this place. Fuck me. Help me. Please-

What happened at that place ??? 👀

So let me say it for you, Ezra. I think you're a big, cocksucking gay fag just like I am. I bet if I put a dick in your ass, you'd fucking love it. Everyone knows cocksuckers like a big dick in their asshole."

😂. Welp.

He shuts his eyes and leans his head against the spine of the couch. I feel bad about my lie, and the reality behind it. I wasn't watching him to see if he was okay. I was watching him with Arnie like a jealous boyfriend.

Duuuhhh

I felt brave as I walked on it. Peaceful, too. I was glad that it was going to be over. I said one last prayer—I remember it being "please find me”—whatever that meant in my head at the time—and then I dove. With my shoes on.

That’s actually quite sad..

“Never jump,” I whisper. “Never fall.” His lips brush my back. He hugs me tight, wrapping himself around me. “You gotta be careful, Millsy. Don’t come here without me.”

Sweet.

His hand comes under my chin, squeezing, and my body freezes. "No." Ezra lifts my face so our eyes meet. "I knew if you touched me one more time, I would do this."

👀 oop-.

And then he steps in closer, wraps a hand around the back of my head, and kisses me so hard and deep I nearly slide to the ground.

Well well well… hmmm

"Let's go over there behind the crypt,” I whisper. “Between it and the brick wall. I'll pull down your pants and—" "You'll pull down your pants and let me suck you off."

Okaayy Josh..

"Can you take your pants down outside and let me blow you? I won't smear it on your abs. I'll swallow every…fucking…drop." He kisses me between each word.

That’s a big energy switch Ezra..

You ever see that bullshit Me Before You?” He screws his face up, scrunching his brows as he tries to place it. “Probably not,”

Bullshit ? I love Me Before You. It was so saddd. 🥺

“So you’re gay? You’re telling me you’re gay?” “If you’re not telling anyone…then—” I sigh, too loud.

Yes.

“And you went to Christian school…” My stomach flips as I nod. “Trust me when I say it wouldn’t turn out well for me if my mom heard that I was gaying it up down here.”

Mhmmm. Pieces are starting to make sense.

“I thought you were a gay hater,” he says softly. “That’s the cliché isn’t it? Gotta make sure no one thinks you’re one of them.”

Mmm. I guess.

But now you’re out and I’m out, to each other at least. Now we’re getting pizza and we’re gonna watch a movie and the time for games is over, angel.”

Okaayyy. Josh said enough is enough. Let’s do this.

I want to say I’m sorry for what I did to him. For making everything hurt. But as his lips find mine, I realize I’m not. It’s the only way I could have done it…and it led to this.

Mmmmm, no. I think you still need to apologize 💁🏽‍♀️..

I stand there as long as I think I can. Thinking of another room. Another patient. How the needle always seemed to burn.

I’m so over the mystery. 🙄..

Downside: still can’t drive. Not for another six months. Which means it’ll be winter before I’m behind the wheel again, and in the meantime? Gotta rely on Ezra to shuttle me around.

Daaammnn.

I don't need your fucking help. Fuck off. I want to say those things. But it's petty bullshit. I want you to suck my dick and sleep in my bed. I'm a fucking stage-three clinger now. At this moment, I feel mad at him for that, too.

Lol. A lot of range of emotions there buddy.

"Yeah you can." He hugs my leg and wraps his other arm around my waist. "You can say anything." He pauses for a half a heartbeat. "I'd want anything you gave me, Miller."

Hot and cold. I swear.

"You shouldn't fuck with me, though." "But if I do, you want it,” I say sharply. “You want me. Say it again." My throat aches and my heart races, and he looks up at me.

These two are interesting characters

"I want you,” Ezra whispers. “I wanted you since—" His lips press together. "Since when?"

Progress. I guess.

"Ezra. Look at me.” He does—and he’s all angst and misery. “Don’t do that. Just don’t. Quit going hot and cold. It’s making me feel crazy.”

That’s what I said. The whiplash is annoyingggg.

I want to fucking murder whatever it is. Whatever gave you nightmares. I would rip it apart. If I could.” He stares at something over my shoulder. “I’m not the right person for you.”

Man something or someone really did a number on him.

“Look at me, Ez. Look at my face.” He shuts his eyes. “Tell me this much: Who fucked up before me? Who fucked around with you and made you feel like loving you was hard work?”

That’s what I’m saying.

Now he looks at me. There’re tears in his eyes. I lock my arms around him, squeezing, rolling onto my back, pulling him down on top of me.

Oh boy. What is happeningggg

“Yeah, I said it.” I laugh. “Fuck.” I blow a breath out. I just sort of said I love him.

Oop- you know what, you should did.

Dude, you’re a prince. I love where this is going between us.” “I don’t get why, though.” He bows his head, rubbing a hand over his eyes.

The heart wants what it wants.

“I had an MRI before. And got put under a ton of times. I didn’t tell you, did I? I didn’t stay for when you woke up.” His voice goes hoarse on that.

Interesting.

“You got put under…tons of times?” I choke out. His eyes shut, and one tear slides down his cheek. “I’m messed up. I told you.”

So yeah, it was like a psych place. They gave him a bunch of meds.

whatever happened to him would kill his dad? Fuck! My chest aches like it’s ripping. “How did your mom get away with that?” I rasp. “Full custody,”

Mmmmm. The plot thickens… Lmaoo.

Is that what you want?” His eyes flit to mine. “Someone with a disability? Who can’t sleep through the night? Sometimes can’t eat or…be places? Is that really what you want?”

He’s definitely got some issues. Maybe you should see a therapist.

A tear drops from his eye. He wipes it. “Couldn’t even get my dick up when I got here. Until you. I went off all that medicine because I didn’t need it.

That makes sense. Most of that stuff makes you practically a walking zombie.