Wrath (Sinful Secrets, #4)

by Ella James

But now I can’t sleep without you.” His voice breaks on that. “Is that what you want? At college?” Tears spill down his cheeks as he presses his lips together.

He must really want you Josh if he’s trying this heard to make you leave him.

“At some point, you’re gonna touch me wrong, too. And I won’t be able to—” He starts breathing harder. “I like everything we’ve done,” he whispers. “But I’m not a real person.”

Touch him wrong like how ?

He puts a palm over his dick. “Now that I got off that stuff, my dick is stuck in overdrive. I have to jerk off like five times a day. Always to you. You’re the only thing that makes me feel good. You want to be that? Alpha and omega for me?”

Hmmmm. Interesting.

“Let me tell you something that’ll shock you, Ezra. For one—” I laugh. “I’m disabled. Epilepsy is a disability. Keeps people from driving. Gives people seizures. Mandatory medication.

He’s right. Technically he’s disabled

I’ll suck your dick ten times a day if you want. If I can cure depression for you with a blow job, sign me the fuck up, baby. You got nightmares but I make them better? I’ll be your drug.

Lol. That works too.

You think helping you feel good could ever be a burden to me?” He shrugs. His eyes, bright from crying, hold onto mine. His voice is a whisper. “I don’t want to be.”

Sweet. I’m starting to get it now.

“You could never be.” I kiss the tears off. I kiss his eyes. “You think knowing you’re hurt like this makes me want to do any fucking thing but try to help you feel good?”

Sweet.

I cup my hands around his face and drop my forehead to his. “You’re my guy now. I’ve got you.”

Are they getting together now !m?

his lips are kissing my cheek. “You’re my guy, too.” His arm wraps around me. “I’ll try not to fuck up again. I don’t want to make things hard for you.”

Well well, looks like they are indeed together now.

"Peanuts, baby. Ever eaten them boiled?" "I don't know." "That's a no, then,” he says. “You'd remember.

Lmaoo. 😂Your definitely know you had them or not. Eewww. 🥴. That’s some really country shit !

"Are there a lot of non-locals down here clamoring for breakfast?" "Shut up, Ezra." “You love me.”

Oop- lol

He does love me. I want so much to say I love him back, but no one’s ever really said “I love you” to me. It feels too awkward. Miller looks up at me. “I do,” he rasps. “Love you.”

Cute.

“I love you too,” I murmur. I grab his hand. “I really do. It’s hard to say, though.”

Aww. I guess.

“I love you.” I rasp, “I love you, DG.” “I love you more,” he says. “Well…you can’t.” I give him a big smirk that’s fighting to become a grin. “Because I love you more.”

Annoyingly cute.

Hi, no one’s held my hand since I was like six. No one’s touched me in a few years except nurses and a lot worse. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Awww.❤️‍🩹

“I hate that I said that dumb shit to you. I was…scared.” I cover my eyes with my hand, in case a rogue tear slips out. I feel sick with regret when I think about that. I’d do anything to take it all back.

Good ❗️👏🏽

I uncover my eyes, biting on the inside of my cheek to keep my voice from cracking. “Anyone who acts like that because they’re scared is selfish and a coward. And not good enough for you, dude.”

Agreed. But changed behavior is the best apology.

“All that shit is in the past now.” His hand cups my shoulder. “I’m your person. And you’re my guy. Don’t you wanna be my guy, Ez?” I nod. My throat stings so bad that I can’t even say it.

Aww.

“Don’t leave me again.” I nod, and for a second I can’t find my voice. When I do, I sit up, so I can look at him when I promise, “I won’t.”

Major progress. ❤️‍🩹

“Whatcha thinking about?” he asks softly. I smile. “Feeling like we’re a couple,” I confess. “We are. You’re my Miller.” He hugs me tighter. “I can’t let you go.” “I don’t want you to.”

Cutter. ❤️‍🩹

“My mom’s religious,” he says softly, after some time. “She can’t find out.” “About us?” I ask. “Or about you?” “Either,” he says. “You mean ever—or like, near future?” “Ever.”

Damn. You gotta love your life for you babe.

“I am scared. I’m really scared of something happening to you.” “Nothing will happen.” “Those pills scare me,” I manage. “You want me to toss them?” “I don’t know. What if you need them?”

I like that we’re finally broaching this issue

“My mom sent me somewhere. Last year,” he says softly. “She thought I was gay. She didn’t want that. So, she sent me to…this boarding school.” He blows a breath out. “It…wasn’t a good experience.”

Ah HA ! I thought so ❗️ it was some kind of weird conversion camp thingy. They messed him up and so he was then “committed” they gave him all these drugs and somehow he ended up at back with his dad to repeat his senior year of high school.

“When we get to college, if you want another—” “What the fuck?” I pull him to me. “Angel.” I urge him to lie over me, so we’re face to face.

Man he is really stuck on this, I shouldn’t have you because I’m mentally messed up stuff. That’s your mom’s doing not yours. Go be happy.

Someone needs to get an apartment and we can live there all the time.” His eyes look wide. “You want that?” “Yes. Do you?” My stomach pitches. “Yeah.

Aww. making plans for college. ❤️‍🩹

I know it’s stupid, but I really wish I could’ve been with you.” “It’s not stupid,” he rasps. “That’s the nicest thing anybody’s ever told me.”

❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

It’s all perfect. It feels weird to write like this again. Like in a journal. I just want to tell you that I’m happier than I deserve. And that I love him. I hope it will last.

Aaww. Well this is good. ❤️‍🩹

He shuts his eyes. Holds me closer, even as he’s breathing harder. “Mills?” he says again, softly. “Yeah, angel?” He hugs me hard, whispers, “I love you.”

😊Aaww.

“No donuts for me.” My eyes flicker to his as my cheeks sting with heat, and I rasp, “Just one extra-large dick in my ass.”

Weird. Lol

“Oh God, dude. I’m gonna come driving the car.” His eyes move back to mine. “You serious?” His voice drops an octave. “You’re gonna let me— You want it?” “Um, yeah dude.”

Lol. You guys are so awkward together.

He starts pushing at me—just a little, just a preview—followed by more rubbing. “You good, DG? You sure, still?” I hold his gaze. “I want it.” “You nervous?

I do love the constant checking in and consent.. 👏🏽👏🏽

“You laid some good pipe,” he says, sounding sleepy, as we walk through his room. “You…received it nicely?” We’re both laughing our asses off again

Awkward. 😂

In the dream, I’m in the closet, writing on the wall. I’m writing fuck you all. I’m writing please help me. My mom is right outside the door. I don’t know why she won’t come in. “Please…”

Damn. Those places must’ve really did a number on you.

I wrap an arm around him. Miller is so warm and solid. He won’t let me be locked up. “I love you.” He kisses my forehead, then my cheek. “Whatever happened, you didn’t deserve it. Okay?”

❤️‍🩹🥹 sweet.

It’s the reason my eyes open, my heart racing before my retinas focus on the doorway to the dining room—where Mom and Carl are standing.

Uh ohhh. 😬

“Mom…um.” I swallow as my eyes well more and my throat tightens. “I don’t want y’all to freak out about this,” I say, one tear already falling. “But…I’m gay.”

Well, that was fast..good. Just rip the band aid off.

“I feel like there’s things we weren’t aware of,” Carl says in a slow, measured tone. I hear my mom’s soft, “Oh.” Then Carl’s softer, “Wow.”

Lol.. awkward. 😂😂

Mom’s eyes meet mine. “So you’re both gay?” She asks it like she’s asking if we’re both secretly lizard people. I’m opening my mouth when Ezra says, “Yeah. You got a problem with it?”

Lmaaoo. 🤦🏾‍♀️🥴

“C’mon now,” Carl says softly. “Let’s go in and grab some food and maybe have a beer and hell, prepare for grandkids. You boys seem like you’re moving way ahead of what we thought. Not quite the same direction.” He laughs.

Well this went pretty good.

“C’mon, son.” He ruffles Ezra’s hair, and then says, “I’ll give y’all a minute. Cover up what God gave ya,” he calls as he walks back toward the porch steps.

Aawww.

Mills looked like he wanted to sink through the floor. Suzanne laughed again, and that's what really broke the ice. Apparently my dad is sort of a comedic genius. Also, both of them are...well, not bigots.

Of course not. Idk why Josh waited this long to tell em anyways.

Suzanne cried and told Miller she had figured for a while. When he asked why, she screwed her face up in a thoughtful look and said because he didn't look twice at some pretty girl babysitter she left him with when he was 13.

Lol. Sometimes you just know.

Dad's exact words were, "Be safe, respect each other. If you break up, nobody has to move out, so don't ask us for that. Be mature and figure out how to share the bathroom. I think if you break up, no post-breakup boyfriends at the house..."

Lmaoo. Awww. Sweet. ♥️

Then tears start to streak down my cheeks, and it hits me, the real gut-punch: I could have come here. I went through all that shit when I could have simply moved in with Dad.

Yeah. That sucks but.. you’re here now.

When we're stepping out onto the porch to go to his dad's, I miss a call from my mom. By the time we leave his dad's house four hours later, I've missed three calls from her. And I've got thirty-seven texts.

Ugh🙄

“In six months, we move to wherever you pick, and we can have our own place. I can. I know you might be in the dorms.” He gives me a sidelong smile, which looks somehow both wistful and apprehensive.

Love the planning.

At 1:42, he wakes up screaming. I get him awake pretty fast, and he looks into my eyes like he knows me. Then he tucks his forehead to my chest, right there below my throat, and cries—for

He really needs to see someone.

He asks if he’d have to live in the dorms. He asks about the team’s values and how they treat players, and I can tell he’s trying to discern how they might treat a gay quarterback.

He wants to remain safe. Aww. That’s fair.

He’s dreaming within the hour—shaking…panting. Moaning about Paul—a name I’ve heard before—and I wonder if I’m stupid for not pressing more about who that is.

I would wanna know. 🤷🏽‍♀️

I want so much to ask what’s in his nightmares, what’s stealing his smiles from me in the past few days. But I just…can’t. It feels invasive.

He’s your boyfriend.. ask him💁🏽‍♀️