Always Mine (Honey Mountain, #1)

by Laura Pavlov

I’d never felt that kind of safety or contentment in my life, as far as I could remember. I’d always been on edge as a kid, because my dad had hated me from my earliest memory. I never knew why, nor did I care to find out. He was a drunk, drugged-up, irrational, angry man. And being on the receiving end of that as a child didn’t allow for a lot of squealing.

As we sat there listening to Mabel giggle at the falling snow, I realized that this was where I was most content. Watching these two stare out the window as the large flakes fell on the water. It was the most content I’d ever felt.

“You’re so pretty.” My breath hitched and I bit down on my bottom lip trying not to show how much his words affected me. “I’ll bet you say that to all the girls.” He shook his head. “No. Just you. The prettiest girl I’ve ever seen. Not sure what you’re doing messing around with me.” “You’re the best person I know, Niko. You’re the only one who doesn’t know it.”

It was the truth. He hated where he came from, and he thought that was a part of who he was. But it wasn’t. It never had been. But he kept a shield around himself like a warrior going to battle. I hated it. Hated that he felt judged by the sins of his father.

“That’s because you’re pure sunshine, Honey Bee. And you deserve better than this,” he said, his gaze searching mine. “I don’t thin...

“I’ve seen him a few times, but I don’t know where he spends his free time,” I said, keeping my gaze down on the dough to avoid her being able to tell that I was lying. He spent every minute with me that he wasn’t at the firehouse.

Niko was the most loyal guy to the people he loved, and he deserved loyalty in return.

“You forgot about them? I’ll bet if they happened to you, you wouldn’t forget, Jada. And as far as him working all the time, do you realize that a huge bulk of his income goes to covering Mabel’s school and your rent? So instead of throwing stones, I’d be real thankful that you have a brother who would literally do anything for you. A brother who gave up his chance to play football and go away to school to stay and help take care of you.”

“I know. I know that I fucked up.” His hands flailed around. “But don’t you miss me?” He moved closer, pushing my back against the door just as it flew open. Niko was there, and he caught my arms in his hands. I glanced over my shoulder and the look on his face was murderous.

“No. I’m not having second thoughts. And do you know why, Niko?” “Why?” “Because I think I stayed in that relationship for years because it was convenient.

Because it was the only relationship that allowed me to spend all my time with you because my boyfriend didn’t live here. Because it’s always been you.”

“Can’t be me, Honey Bee. You know that.” “I’m not asking you to marry me, Niko. I’m asking you to give us a chance. No more secrets. I want to give it a real try, because these p...

It was for the better. But I didn’t expect my chest to feel like it was caving in. Fuck this. I did the right thing for her. For both of us.

“You know what happens to the guy who sits on the sidelines, don’t you?” Gramps said, and everyone looked up because the man never had much to say. “What happens to the guy on the sidelines?” Hog asked and everyone laughed because he acted like Gramps was going to solve all of life’s problems with this answer. Gramps finished chewing and looked right at me. “He stays on the sidelines because he’s afraid of the game.”

“Maybe some of us aren’t into games.” “Perhaps. Or they’re just afraid to play,” Gramps said before biting off half a piece of bacon and eating ridiculously slow as we waited for him to finish his thought. “But life is boring on the sidelines.”

I’d hardly slept because now that I’d spent every night in Vivi’s bed, I didn’t like sleeping alone. This was exactly what I didn’t want to happen.

“Just because someone listens and empathizes with you doesn’t mean they’re trying to fix you. You seem to have a real hang-up with that. With people wanting to fix you, huh? Trauma is trauma, Niko.”

“I’m going to tell you something and I really want you to hear me, Niko. You are correct… trauma is a part of life. Shit does happen. We lost our mom far too soon, and to say that it affected all of our lives is a massive understatement. And yes, we keep moving forward, but it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt. It doesn’t mean that it doesn’t affect the way that we handle relationships moving forward. But we talk about it. We talk about her all the time.”

“What does that mean, Ev? You want me to tell you that my father’s a piece of shit and my mother isn’t much better? Does that make you feel better? Because it sure as shit doesn’t make me feel better. Living. Fighting fires. Moving forward. That’s what I do.” I moved back to my chair and dropped to sit. It felt good to get it off my chest. “I get that, but you’ll never escape it, Niko. Burying yourself in work is not dealing with it. Facing it. Feeling it. Grieving. Crying. Sharing. It’s a process.

Trauma is the ultimate thief. It may have robbed your past, but only you can ...

Some of what she said made sense. Maybe I had been sitting on the sidelines, but I wasn’t sure I minded. Never thought I’d wanted more...

“Vivi’s just so… good, you know? She deserves the best,” I said, my voice strained and tired. “I couldn’t agree more. I guess the big question is, why don’t you think you’re that person? I don’t know that I’ve ever seen two people who love each other more than the two...

“But if I fuck it up, I lose everything.” I scrubbed a hand down my face. “But if you don’t try, you lose everything anyway, right? I mean, she’s not going to stay single forever, Niko. And aside from Jansen, most guys are not going to be okay with the frie...

My chest squeezed at the mention of him. We hadn’t spoken since I left the house last night, which was long for us. I wasn’t going to reach out, the ball was in his court. I knew what I was getting into when we started this, and I couldn’t be angry if he was done with it. But it didn’t mean it didn’t hurt.

Jansen Clark had been safe. I had never realized that until now. He couldn’t really hurt me because I wasn’t all in. Never had been. Even when I’d found him in bed with another woman… it stung, but it didn’t devastate me. I wasn’t heartbroken over our relationship ending.

“Listen, Jansen. This isn’t all on you. I think I was in love with Niko for a long time, and my relationship with you was more of a safety net. And with you being long distance, it allowed me that freedom to spend as much time as I wanted with him. I never acted on it. I was never unfaithful to you. But my feelings for Niko are more than friendship, and you and I finally letting things go allowed me to explore that.”

“Can you at least tell us what you were discussing?” I hissed. It was important to know if he mentioned me in his therapy session because then I knew that Everly knew, but more importantly, he cared enough to talk about me. “Sure. The main topic was you. Seems you’re very much on your best friend’s mind, Vivi.” She winked.

I guess in a way I’d learned to survive at a very young age. And I’d survive the hurt I felt over Niko jumping ship the minute things got real. Happily ever after wasn’t meant for everyone.

I missed my girl. We hadn’t spoken in several days, since I told her that we needed to end things. I thought it would be better to take some space, but it was the longest I’d ever gone without speaking to her, and I wasn’t okay with it. I hadn’t been sleeping, hell, I barely had an appetite, which was most definitely not the norm. The distance was fucking killing me. I missed her. I missed my friend. And lover. I dreamed about her in the few hours I actually slept.

“Is there a reason you don’t want to date her?” He raised a brow, and I knew this man well enough to know he was hinting at something. “Meaning?” “Don’t sit on your ass when you have a good thing right in front of you. Because it may not be there forever,” he said, leaning in so only I could hear him.

I knew what he was talking about, but I was surprised because he and I had never discussed my relationship with Vivi. Hell, she’d been dating someone for as long as I’d been working at the firehouse up until the last six months. It had never been a possibility. Was it a possibility?

“I wouldn’t think you’d be okay with it, if I’m being honest. You know me, Jack. You really think I should pursue something that I’ll probably fuck up?” “Damn straight, I know you. You don’t think it’s odd that she dated a guy she didn’t even seem that into for all those years? Come on, Niko. We all see it. We’ve been seeing it for years. And you’ve been pursuing my girl since the first time you climbed through her window.”

“I know who you are. I’ve always known. I never worried about that at all. You’ve always had her back, no question there. And I don’t think everyone needs protecting. My daughter is a strong woman, Niko. You know that. But I’ve never seen her happier than when you two are together. Hell, I’ve never seen you happier than when you two are together. I think it’s time to shit or get off the pot, son.”

“If you’re waiting for my approval, you already have it. I couldn’t pick a better person than you for my daughter. The only one who doesn’t know it is you.”

“Just not sure I’m that guy,” I said, as I pushed to my feet and followed him off. He turned around and laughed hard. “None of us are, Niko. All it takes is one good woman to become that man. At least that’s how it was for me and Beth. Once I met her… I changed all my deviant ways.”

“I think you’re right. Now how about you take your own damn advice and stop second-guessing yourself.” “What the fuck does that mean?” I asked. “It means you should stop fucking around when it comes to Vivi. I know who you are too, Niko. And I know how hard it is to find someone worth taking a risk for. And that girl is worth it. She won’t be around forever, and I promise you, if you let her get away it’ll be your biggest regret.”

“When did you become a fucking therapist?” I barked out a laugh. “When my fucking life imploded. Trust me. If you get a chance at happiness, you should fucking take it. And that girl is the real deal.” He clapped me on the shoulder as he moved to his feet.

I thought about Vivian, and I wanted to run down to the bakery and tell her I was an...

I needed to put this fire out first, and then I’d be dealing with the growing fire building between me and Vivian. Because it was the one that mattered most.

I still hadn’t talked to him, and it was killing me. But I would not make the first move. I wasn’t the one who had ended things and pulled away. That was on him. And this would be the first Thanksgiving ever we didn’t spend together if he didn’t come.

My heart squeezed at the thought of my best friend standing in front of a group of kids talking about firefighting. He was so patient with kids, and it always surprised me. The way he took his time listening to Mabel and answering questions that she asked two or three times in a row.

Of course, I ended up spilling the beans to my sisters after we went through two bottles of wine on our sleepover the night before last. I’d never been great at keeping anything from them.

“I mean, yeah. He was honest from the beginning. It is what it is. It was temporary.” I shrugged, but a large lump formed in the back of my throat. I hadn’t slept much the past few nights, as I kept checking my phone. The thought of him being just completely done with me terrified me. Was I so easy to walk away from?

“Vivi, no. come on. This isn’t you.” She pulled back to look at me. “You’ve got to fight for it if it’s important to you.” I shook my head and swiped at my cheeks. “He doesn’t want me. Not the way that I want him.”

“Bullshit. We all see it. You were dating Jansen because he was safe. You’ve been in love with Niko West for as long as I can remember. But you’re still playing it safe,” she said.

“I don’t buy it.” She pulled out a chair and motioned for me to do the same. “You don’t buy what?” “That you aren’t afraid. I think you have a lot more to do with it not going anywhere than you want to admit.”

“Vivian, you’re scared too. You lost Mom, and you kicked into gear while I ran off and chased my dreams.”

“You’re a caretaker. You want everyone else to be happy. And you and Niko have one thing in common,” she said. “What’s that?” I whispered. “You’re both terrified of being happy. He doesn’t think he deserves it, and you’re afraid of loving someone so much that it would hurt like hell if you lost them. Because you’ve already experienced how much that hurts, right?”

I nodded as the tears fell. The holidays were always harder without my mom. “I miss her.” She wrapped her arms around me and hugged me tight. “Me too. But that doesn’t mean you can’t love that hard again. And whether you and Niko are dating or just best friends, it would hurt just as much to lose him. But you can’t live your life in fear.”

“I’m not,” I said as I pulled back to look at her and shook my head. “Aren’t you? Dating a guy like Jansen for all those years. That’s safe, right? You didn’t even cry when you found him in bed with another woman. But every time Niko gets called to a fire, I see the way you react. When we’re on the phone, I can hear the fear in your voice. You love that man something fierce, so go after it, Vivi. Don’t be afr...