The Infinity Between Us

by N.S. Perkins

To all my lost girls out there. I see you. Everything’s going to be okay.

miss something when it’s been so long, you don’t even remember how it used to be.

With my pepper spray extended before me, I walk forward and say, “What are—” All the breath leaves my body midsentence. No. No, no, no. Not him. Anyone but him. A face I used to love so much it hurt contorts in confusion as he says, “Violet?” Grief. Pain. Love. It all floods me at once, preventing me from catching my breath.

My chest feels like it’s been torn open, my heart set free and jumping to its death. He can’t be here. I was never supposed to see him again. He made sure of that.

As I exit the bathroom and follow the path down I’ve taken a thousand times before, I try to keep my mind empty. I don’t think about his dark hair that’s now short. I don’t think about the fact that he’s here, really here, and not only existing in this small box I’d stored away in my head. And I certainly don’t think about the fact that he might be planning on staying here.

“I can’t believe you’re really here,” he all but whispers. No, his voice does not make goosebumps rise on my arms. I try, I really try, not to look at his chiseled face, now covered in a trimmed beard, but Jesus, he doesn’t make it easy. And despite the fact that he’s changed in the past years, I only need one good look at him to know I could still draw him in my sleep. My lips stay shut. His throat bobs before he says, “How have you been?”

“No,” he snaps as he jerks back. “Why would I? This place holds so many memories.” “Bad memories.” His jaw tightens. “One night of bad memories, V.” “One night’s enough.” I shake my head. “I don’t want this place to be ours anymore.” He closes his eyes and drags a hand through his short hair. He stays silent for a long moment before he says, “I’m sorry to tell you this, but that’s not really your choice.”

His Adam’s apple bobs. “I guess, but this is still the place where we spent all our summers. Where we learned to ride our bikes and invented games to decide who would cook the next morning and got drunk for the first time. Where we became us.”

“I can’t see it that way. Not anymore.” His hand covers his mouth, and I’m pretty sure I hear him mutter a “fuck.” He exhales. “So what now?”

“Well, if I leave now, I can probably be in Syracuse in—” “Please don’t leave,” he interrupts, eyes wide and cloudy. “Not yet.” I purse my lips. “There’s nothing left for me to do here, apparently.” I don’t miss the flinch in his face. “You can’t leave now. It’s late, and the drive is too long.” “Will, I don’t—” “Please,” he says, eyes begging. “Don’t go.”

I don’t remember a time when Will Seaberg wasn’t the most important person in my world.

Samantha was always like a sister to me, but Will was never a brother.

“God, I missed you.” “You have no idea,” I say, a little breathless. He pulls back and dips his head to the side. “Come on, let’s go.”

“This summer’s going to be special. I can feel it.” My lips twist up. I couldn’t agree more.

“This used to be your place,” Will continues. “I hate that it’s not anymore, and I hate that I had something to do with it.” I stand straighter. We’re not talking about this. Not now, not ever. “Look—”

“You’d be willing to risk the house for that?” He blinks. “I’ve always been willing to risk a lot of things for you.”

“Thank you. I’ll make it up to you. You’ll see.” I can see it there in his face—the guilt. That’s the only reason he’s making this deal. Atoning for something he can never come back from. I don’t care. If I’m staying, it isn’t for him.

“It’s okay,” he says. “I won’t give up.” I walk away, shaking my head. He should.

“Just the girl I wanted to see,” she says. “How was your senior year? What books did you read? Did you read that Nora Roberts one I asked Will to tell you about?” Her eyes become bigger, if that’s even possible. “Oh, and did you get a boyfriend? Girlfriend? I want to know everything.” Her curly red hair forms a wild halo around her head, but she doesn’t seem to notice.

He’s always been my best friend, and it’s not even that it was supposed to happen. He’s a year older than me. Samantha’s the one my age. She and I were supposed to be the closest. But while I love her, it’s always been Will. Will that I’d ask to have sleepovers in the summer room with. Will that I’d want to make sandcastles with. Will that I’d miss so much it hurt during the school year. He could make me laugh like no one else. He just got me.

“And I’ll drive.” I beam at him. “My love language.” He chuckles before telling my dad, “We’ll be back soon.”

“I’ll just have you driving me around all the time.” He rolls his eyes. “Brat.” “Stop it. You love me.” He turns my way. “I do.”

“Show me what you looked like,” Will says, his eyes on the road. I grab my phone and scroll through my photos before I find my favorite one.

Once we reach a red light, I flip the phone in Will’s direction. And wait. And wait again. It’s like he goes over every single inch of the picture ten times. Finally, he concludes his thorough analysis with a simple, “Beautiful.”

“Send it to me, will you?” he says. “What? Why?” A corner of his lips twitches up. “A guy can’t get a photo of his best friend looking nice for once in her life?” I punch his shoulder. “Dick.” He chuckles.

The boys aren’t looking at the camera, arguing together. Samantha is sticking her tongue out. Will and I have our heads tilted toward the other, just a little. David’s mouth is open, as if he was midsentence when the flash went off. Nora’s head is thrown back. Mom is flashing a spectacular smile, her back straight and eyes aimed right at the camera. Dad is looking at his wife, smiling sincerely. A knot forms in my throat. I look away. The last picture is of me and Will. I remember taking it with my phone and going to print it the next day. We’re at a concert, standing in front of the stage. Will’s arm is draped over my shoulders, and I’m smiling so big it looks painful. My eyes are squeezed shut, but his aren’t. They’re on me.

And the truth is, I’m not fine. I don’t want to stay here all summer. I can’t imagine what it will be like to be surrounded for eight long weeks by things that remind me of my mother and of everything that we lost. I want to go home. And more than anything, I wish I could talk about this with someone who truly understands what I went through in the past. Still, I can’t tell him. Dad’s suffered enough. I can’t burden him with this too. “I told you everything.” A little white lie never hurt anyone.

saw on social media a few years ago that he’d stopped swimming competitively, but I don’t know what that means in his day-to-day life. A knot forms in my stomach. I used to know everything about his life, and now it feels like we’re strangers. “What’s going on?” I ask.

“What’s up?” Will asks. I lift my head in his direction for the first time in an hour. “Oh, uh, nothing.” He keeps looking at me, and I guess all the silence from the past two days got to me because I add, “Just a funny picture Ollie sent me of him and his boyfriend.” “Can I see?” I lick my lips. “Um, yeah, I guess.”

“I miss them so much,” he says. I hear him swallow. “I miss all of you.” My broom is probably close to breaking from the strength with which I’m gripping it. Will drops his hammer on the counter. “I tried to reach out to you after that night, you know. So many times.”

“You don’t get to talk about that night. Or that summer. Ever. I don’t care what we agreed on. If you ever mention it again, I swear I’m out of here.” I don’t wait for his answer. Instead, I let the broom fall to the ground and go back to my room. So much for sharing the house.

The simple concept of infinity, something so vague yet so wide, is too weird for me to grasp. Will’s mouth twists to the left as he thinks, pencil tapping the table. A moment later, his eyes flash, and he turns to me with an excited smile. “Okay, I know how to help you get this.” His hands clasp together in front of his stomach. “How many memories do you have with me? Something like an infinity, right? You couldn’t count them all.” I nod. “And if you think about it, I have an infinity of memories with you, too.”

“So there’s an infinity of memories within me, and an infinity of memories within you. But the infinity between us? It’s even grander.”

“These exercises don’t mean a thing. I could never think you’re stupid. Okay?” His fingers linger for a second on my neck, and I fight against all the instincts in my body so that I don’t shiver. His thunderstorm eyes stay on mine until I nod.

“So, how’s the project coming along?” Dad asks as he passes the salad bowl to David. Mom exchanges a look with David before nodding. “It’s going well, I think. The investors like what we’ve done with their initial idea so far, so fingers crossed that things stay on track.”

“We’re not playing that again,” Nora says with a straight face. “Ever. It almost broke our family the last time.” “Will cheated!” Ollie bellows from my left, his hands thrown in the air.

I roll my eyes as we both meet Samantha in the foyer. When she sees us, she looks at Will and says, “I thought you told me you didn’t want to come.” He bends to put on his sneakers as he says, “Changed my mind.” “Huh,” she says.

“What do you mean?” “Well, you know, since he broke up with Kari.” Time stops around me. There’s no wind anymore. No sounds. Nothing. I can’t believe it. I replay Sam’s words, again and again, trying to find another meaning to them. Maybe she misspoke. Maybe she had something else in mind. But the more I hear her words bounce around my head, the more I know I heard right. Will had a girlfriend.

“Oh. Um, that’s great! But as I told you before, we won’t be able to finalize things before the end of August.” I steal a glance at Will, whose jaw is tighter than I’ve ever seen it. “That’s all right. I just wanted to let you know where we were at in the process.” “Oh, good. Well, thank you for the update. I’ll talk to you soon.” “Yes. Have a nice day, Ms. Mitchell.” “You too.”

“But—” I start backing away. “I don’t feel like arguing about this again, so I’m gonna—” “No,” Will says, one hand lifted in front of him. “I’m sorry. I won’t bring it up again. Please don’t go.”

“I’ll try my hardest,” he says. “Good.” I finish my water and walk past him when he says, “Wait, did you really say ‘somewhat hot’?” “I might have.” What happens next is out of my control. I don’t even have the time to try to fight it. It’s an instinct that takes over me with the strength of a tsunami.

“Because it’s our house!” he shouts, no trace of humor left in his face. “It’s our fucking house!” My hands ball into fists by my side, nails digging into my skin. I purse my lips when I notice my chin starting to quiver. “I don’t want to do this.”

“Oh, and Violet?” I look up. “Please be careful.” She smiles stiffly. “Platonic and romantic feelings can easily shift, but once they do, it’s hard to go back.”

I knocked on Will’s door. It had been his birthday the day before, so I could still see the half-faded Spider-Man he’d gotten painted on his face during the party. He was just a kid like me, so small and frail, but when I told him I was scared, he puffed his chest and acted like my knight in shining armor. Ever since that night, when there’s a thunderstorm during summer, he comes to my room and sleeps on the ground.

“Why didn’t you tell me about Kari?” He sighs so loud, I think it must wake the entire house. “It wasn’t anything serious,” he says, not asking how I learned about it. I turn in my bed to face him. “So what? Having your first college girlfriend is something important to share.” I swallow. “Unless she wasn’t the first.” He doesn’t answer, which is an answer in itself.

“Because…” He sighs again. “Because what was the point in telling you when I knew they weren’t The One?” Talking about this makes me want to throw up. Still, I ask, “How could you know they weren’t The One?” Silence stretches between us, making my heartbeat increase. “I… I just knew.”

I’m supposed to hate him. He’s hurt me so much. I should tell him I haven’t been scared of thunderstorms in years and ask him to leave. So why in the world am I thinking Will Seaberg coming into my room and sleeping on the hardwood floor just because he thinks I’m scared is the most tender thing I’ve ever witnessed? He could’ve forgotten about it. We haven’t spoken in so long, it would make sense. He also could’ve said I wasn’t worth the trouble, considering I’ve been less than nice to him in the past week.

He doesn’t say anything, only following my lead, his breaths matching mine. I inhale deeply and exhale through pursed lips three times, never letting go of his slightly stubbled cheeks in my hands.

“Did I ever tell you how much I love you?” His mouth is pressed in my hair. My heart stutters.

I’ve never had a serious boyfriend before. I’ve kissed a few guys at parties, but that’s about it. I don’t know a lot about dating, but I know Colin looks like someone my mom would like me to date.