The Infinity Between Us

by N.S. Perkins

“Once they realized they couldn’t get over what happened, Dad moved out and found a place in New Jersey. I think he met someone there, but I’m not sure. We don’t really talk anymore.”

“Hey, baby,” Nora says as she answers the phone. Will smiles grandly. “Hey, Mom. I have a little surprise for you here.” “Oh?” He turns the phone so I come into view, and as soon as I see Nora’s face, tears burn my eyes. I hadn’t realized just how much I’d missed her until I saw her again.

“Yeah, I am. I don’t want to spend any more time away from any of you again.” Getting up, he meets me halfway through the room. “That statement couldn’t make me happier,” he says before leaning down and kissing me tenderly. My heart expands, so big I don’t know how it fits inside my chest anymore. And that’s when I realize just how deep in this I am. I’m in love with this man. Again.

When he finally removes his lips from mine, I ask, panting, “What was that for?” A corner of his lips jerks up. “I know you.” And there goes my heart. If I didn’t already know I was in love with him, his sheepish smile and soft words would have done it. I nod. “You do.” Slowly, he backs up, pulling

“Yes. Yes you are.” My eyes are closed, head thrown back. “Say it,” he growls. I bite my lower lip. “It’s you, Will.” “That’s my girl,” he says before starting to eat me so thoroughly, it only takes a minute for me to break down over his tongue.

I roll my eyes as Will says, “Of course she did.” His eyes dart to mine before quickly returning to the screen. “I was glad to learn my girl had someone like you with her in the past years.” My girl. Why do these two simple words make my body feel lighter, like I could fly away with a single gust of wind?

can almost feel the wet pillows under my face as I went to sleep and the smell of the old garbage my dad didn’t empty for a month and the sound of Jensen crying and saying he wished we’d never met the Seabergs. My blood is boiling.

“How can it ever truly be in the past?” I shout back. “You were my everything, Will. You were my everything, and you treated me like I was nothing.” Swiftly, I wipe my cheek with the back of my hand. “And it’s happening again, apparently.” “You’re not even giving me the chance to fucking explain to you what happened! I don’t know what you did or didn’t hear, but I defended you out there. I got shit on because of it. I don’t care what he thinks!”

“How could you say that? I’m literally on my knees in front of you, and you—” He buries his hands in his hair as he looks away from me, a deep breath coming out of his chest. “You know what?” He shakes his head, lips pursed. “You’re right. This isn’t working.” “W-what?”

“You’ll never get over this. I thought you had, but I was wrong. And don’t get me wrong, I know I’ve made some mistakes in the past, but I’ve owned up to them, and yet it’s like you’ll never be able to see me without seeing them. I can’t take it anymore. It feels like my fucking chest is getting torn in two.” He still doesn’t look at me as he finds a sock under his bed and shoves it in his bag. “At the beginning of the summer, I would’ve taken any single scrap you would’ve thrown at me to be with you, but I’m realizing now that it hurts too damn much to be a permanent monster in your eyes. I can’t do it anymore.” He sniffles, never stopping his packing.

“So that’s it? You’re just going to treat this like a summer fling again?” He freezes in his packing, then lifts his head and gives me the saddest smile I’ve ever seen.

“Ever since you walked into this house, you had it set in your mind that I’d never be there for you.” His throat bobs. “There’s nothing I want more than to be your forever, but not at the cost of feeling your anger all my life.”

permanently etched into me. The thought that my memories of her are fading is bittersweet. If I remember her less vividly, then I won’t think every single day about what she did to our family. I won’t think about how she betrayed my dad and turned my world on its axis.

But then again, if I forget her, I’ll forget how it felt to have her wrap her arms around me when my friends at school said something mean to me. I’ll forget how she taught me to be a strong woman who doesn’t need anyone but herself. I’ll forget how it felt to know she always had my back and would always love me no matter what.

“I wasn’t alone here this summer.” Keeping my eyes on the blanket, I say, “Will Seaberg was here too.” “I know.” My head snaps up so fast, I don’t know how I don’t break a vertebra. “What do you mean, you know?” Dad gives me a warm smile as he sets a hand on my knee. “Who do you think sent you and Will here at the same time?”

“I don’t know how to look at him without seeing what happened that summer. When I see him, I think of Mom dying, and I think of him leaving, and I can’t stop being angry at the both of them, and it hurts, Dad. It hurts so freaking much.”

And maybe I’m selfish to think this way, but worst of all, you destroyed what Violet and I had. I never meant to let her go. Ever. Once she was mine, she would stay mine. But how could I do that when the decision you both made forced me to choose between the love of my life and my entire family? How?

I don’t know who’s with her today. Maybe she has a man by her side. And I want her to be happy, but Jesus, imagining her with someone else will be the death of me. Maybe she’s with friends too, and I think that’s even worse. Because I’m her best friend. I should be there for her. I would’ve come down to Syracuse to surprise her and celebrate the hell out of her. She deserves to be celebrated. So much. I don’t know if she thinks I’ve forgotten about her. I hope she doesn’t. I don’t want to hurt her even more. If I were a better person, I’d wish for her to have forgotten about me so the memory of us would never hurt her anymore, but I’m not. Despite not being able to see her again, I hope she’ll never meet anyone like me. I certainly never will meet anyone like her.

Why can’t I sleep with someone without imagining it’s her I’m with? Why can’t I get her fucking scent out of my head? I’m broken, I think. She’s the only one who can repair me, and I’ll never get to see her again. Anyway, all that to say, I understand you, I guess.

Amy, I saw her again. I know, I should’ve stayed away. With all the years between us, I’d gotten to the point where I couldn’t describe the exact shade of brown of her eyes, or the precise sound of her laugh. It was like rehab, and my need for her was slowly starting to wear off, but one hit of her, and I was high again. Yet even though I now have to start my detox all over again, I can tell you without a doubt that it was worth it. I won’t lie, it hurts like a bitch to have seen her, touched her, kissed her, only to have it taken away from me again, but I wouldn’t change any of it. I would’ve taken a lifetime of pain to be able to laugh with her again, if only for a short moment, and my wish was answered. I could be mad that she can’t get past this rift between us, but I’m not, because I understand why. She’s been through so much, yet she still shines. She shines so fucking bright, Amy. I know you’d be so proud of her. She may think she doesn’t know who she is, but I see her, all of her, and I know you would too. I miss you. W

“I’m sorry, baby, but you’ll need to say all that again. I’m still stuck on the ‘I love you’ part.” Despite everything

It’s not always easy to be with the one you love. I realize it now. You need to work for it. But once you do, you can spend every day of your life feeling the way I’m feeling right now. Infinite.

“You know I love it when you beg, but it won’t help you today.”

When we were eight or nine, Will won it for me at the Lobster Festival in Old Orchard. The band is of a blue so light it looks gray, the color of his eyes, and instead of a diamond, it holds a miniature starfish. I love it so much.