The Butcher's Masquerade (Dungeon Crawler Carl, #5)

by Matt Dinniman

“I was a human, like you. I was a crawler a very long time ago. I’m usually an attendant at Club Vanquisher, but this season they got me on urban janitor duty. They pulled us all away to work the opening arenas. Everybody you see here was once a crawler. I think. Sometimes it’s hard to tell. I gotta say, this is the smallest group I’ve ever seen. I ain’t supposed to be talking like this, though. I get in trouble if I break character. You better get moving.”

“Okay, buddy. We gotta be quick. You are balls deep in the wrong hole, and mom is pulling into the driveway. You get me?” “I… What?” I asked, trying to make sense of the metaphor.

And not that you’ll believe me, but I do have my pride. The day I take a bribe from some pig-faced imperialist fuck is the day I wither.”

“Zockau? Zockau?” Mordecai cried. “You motherfuckers are in the goddamned capital?”

New Achievement! The Hand that Claws the Master (x35) You have permanently killed a non-crawler biological. They ain’t just dead. They dead dead. Their children are now orphans. Their mothers are gnashing their teeth and cursing your name. And you’re just sitting there all alive and shit, and girlfriend, I am all in.

Not to mention the norovirus-infested ball pit, the rickety merry-go-round, the workers with dead eyes, and the pizza that tastes like it was cooked in a Soviet-era microwave? All the while an animatronic rodent holds court on stage, blinking and rotating and telling you that he is now your god.

Butcher’s Masquerade

Title

We watched a one-armed, pale, and sick-looking Quan Ch switch from Imperial Security Trooper to Sergeant-at-Arms. “Well, that’s a lie, now isn’t it? It should just be Sergeant-at-Arm, not arms,” Donut quipped. “The next time we see him, I hope you rip his other arm off, Carl. Then he’ll just be a Sergeant.”

Butcher’s Masquerade.

I could hear it again, that river in my mind. Rushing, tumbling, crashing, getting faster and louder by the moment. It was starting to hurt. Just a little. That was okay. I’d rest later.

If internet porn was a thing in the dungeon, there’s no doubt these repressed assholes would be the number one connoisseurs of gnomish femdom porn or something of the like.

If repressed sexuality and caged instinct was, err, bearified, you would get the Ursine. After Scolopendra’s destruction, the only surviving Ursine were the clerics. That resulted in the formerly-brutal society evolving into something like that town from the movie Footloose. They want a utopia. If you don’t look at the fraying edges, it’s clear they’ve somewhat succeeded.

And then I will take your head home with me and place it upon my sister’s grave so she may feast upon you in the afterlife. Vrah. “She seems nice,” Donut said. I pulled a pen from my inventory, and I wrote, “Come and get it, bitch.” I crumpled up the paper and tossed it out the door.

“It’s ugly. And the gem is turquoise. Turquoise! Do I look like an elderly woman with smoke-stained teeth sitting in a bingo hall?”

“He was hunting us, yes,” I said, stepping forward. “What would you like to do with him?” Signet asked. “Heal him,” I said. Signet nodded thoughtfully. “You’ve grown in strength, Carl. But you’re still soft.” “No,” I said. I pulled the ring from my inventory and slipped it onto my finger. “Not anymore.”

The Semeru dwarves on the ninth floor had dug their city too deep. It was a reverse version of the Tower of Babel story. It was that story that had given me the idea to fill it with water in the first place.

“They’re clear,” he said. The gnoll who’d patted me down nodded and jumped up, flying higher than I expected, expertly moving through the hatch in the ceiling. The second gnoll appeared to scratch Donut under the chin and then he, too, disappeared above. “Did you just let that dog guy scratch your chin?” I asked. Before Donut could answer, we teleported away again.

“If this ends up being some sort of trick or bullshit beyond what you say, I swear to god I will kill you myself,” I said to Odette. “I don’t care how long it takes, but I will get to you.” She smiled sadly. “I would expect nothing less of you, Carl.” She blinked and disappeared.

The small fish woman was trembling. I’d never seen her like this. “This is such terrible timing,” Zev said. “This shouldn’t be happening now. This is too big to be happening now.” “Goddamnit,” I said. “There’s something else going on. Why are you so damn nervous?” She turned to me and pulled her webbed hand to her lips in a shhh motion. She leaned in and whispered. “Donut is going to need you. Focus on that.” “Look,” I began. “I’m worried that you’re…” “All you need to know is that you need to close that yap of yours right now. Please.” I was so surprised that she’d told me to shut up, that I did.

“You’re not my person anymore,” Donut added. “Carl is. He’s always been.”

“She did it,” Donut whispered. “She did it.” I looked down at Donut. “What the hell? What happened? Did you have anything to do with this?” She looked up at me. “Viva la revolución, Carl.”

“Real danger?” I asked, leaning in. “Fun?” “That’s right. Please. I’m just an accountant. I work with soy crop shipping manifests all day.” “Do you know what I do every day?” I asked. Donut: CARL HURRY UP. YOU’RE DOING THE BAD GUY SOLILOQUY THING. YOU ALWAYS SAY TO NEVER DO THE SOLILOQUY THING.

“I’m going to show you what I do now.”

“I’m going to kill your mother. And Pawna is a big liar. She plays all innocent and virginal, but she’s into soaking. Look it up.”

The woman from the talk show let slip that the naga fools have offered insurance to those idiotic dramas that control the elite beasts.

Oh Odette…

Killing individuals may be satisfying, but the true satisfaction is hurting them on a larger scale. When one values coin above life, you should target the coin, for it hurts them more. And that is my food. My life. My god. Hurting the naga and everyone responsible for this nightmare.

These can’t-take-a-joke beanpoles can conjure up a whole regiment of wall-breaching contraptions in a matter of hours. Translation: you don’t want these pale fuckers on your doorstep.

into the remains of Miss Nadine, which sucked up pieces of the exploded

“She is not Miss Nadine,” Signet said, looking down lovingly at the new tattoo. “She is a blood and ink elemental, and she is a combination of the remains of who she was and of my personal memories of her. She is like a living portrait painted with her blood. But she is not real. Not in the sense you’re asking. She is a facsimile. A loving memory.”

We needed to get to a saferoom. I had my first appointment coming up. I couldn’t remember exactly what I was supposed to do, but it was some bullshit, and we didn’t have time to get back to Point Mongo.

I have a feeling these comic con appointments are actually going to be extremely beneficial and advantageous for Carl, and folks who are both trying to help and harm him will be opportunistic. He’s the first active crawler to be a part of one.. he may be able to learn a lot about past and even the current crawl that could help him, Donut, and everyone.

The view counter, which had been relatively middle-of-the-road since before the whole tattoo thing started was suddenly spiked, buried all the way to the right.

Uh oh.. the view counter spiking is the book version of sudden dramatic music in a movie

Alucarda.

1977 Spanish horror film. Nice Easter egg

Zev lowered her voice and spoke slowly and deliberately. “Your involvement in CrawlCon is highly anticipated. Not only is the universe looking forward to meeting you today, but it might be in your best interest to… linger as much as you can. Do you understand?”

Yeah that’s what I thought

“It’s you getting eaten by a brindle grub,” the boy, Keith, said. “My dad says if you weren’t the AI’s toy, that’s probably how you would’ve really died. He says you’re a cheater and you whore yourself to the macro AI and to the mudskippers. He says now that the brain worms have taken over, you’re going to die any day now.” “Ask your dad why that other guy is always coming over when he’s not home,”

An uneasy feeling washed over me, like we were all suddenly in danger. Those guys, the Plenty, were the ones who invented the tunneling system, the ones who were supposedly working with our new sponsor, the Apothecary.

“Good luck to you, Carl,” Hurk said. He paused a beat. “You know, it’s been a while since there’s been a crawler like you. One that people pay attention to. One that they actually see. Be careful.”

“You’re going on a panel that is being moderated by the mother of one of the hunters you killed. And she is quite vocal about how much she dislikes you. The entire fandom is just dripping wet over about what’s going to happen. Everyone will be watching.”

“I’m doing about the best anyone can expect. We don’t know what’s going on back home since the entire system has gone dark. When this is all over, those of us who stayed on after the change don’t know if we’ll be welcomed home or executed as traitors. Plus, you know, my entire family was slaughtered because I refused to wear a pin. But I got a job to do. I gotta go, Carl. See you in a few hours.”

systems.” “It’ll work,” Frito said. He paused and leaned in, whispering. “The captain sends his regards. That’s a tier-four training room, so you best use it while you can. You won’t be able to nick the room or bed when you leave. But a smart guy like yourself can be creative. We’ll likely turn your inventory back on right before you return to the dungeon, just so you know.”

Note added by Crawler Rosetta. Ninth Edition> Never trust mercenaries.

Drick grunted. “The Valtay aren’t running the crawl. The Borant Corporation still is. It’s a big difference. It’s all mudskipper infrastructure with mercenary support.” He turned and looked directly at me.

“I just wish we were allowed to tell this directly to him. We’ll see. Ah, here comes our moderator.” “I can’t believe she’s late,” Sydnee said. “I’d read she’s never late.” “Someone leaked her path to the panel room, and it is packed with fans,” Drick said. “Carl and Donut fans. She’s going to be grumpier than usual.”

I bet this was all Zev

“Your luck is a dishonor on the hive,” she said finally. “The hive can lick my sack,” I said.

“I wonder how many times your daughter practiced that move. Too bad she never got the chance to use it.”

We all know how it started. When the original council nations first accidentally tripped the primal engines and started the chain reaction that overpopulated the galaxy, it was eventually decided that we needed to both collect the primal elements left behind on all the pre-seeded worlds and to beat back the new biological overgrowth. In addition, superior species such as the Hive—who have been at the forefront of decoding and reverse-engineering primal technology—approached the council and demanded the ability to field test macro-AI-controlled enhancement zones. This, unfortunately, led to the formation of a Syndicate subcommittee that put the request under advisement….”

Moxo’s vape pen thing remained on the floor, smoke lazily drifting out. The heavy scent of the drug remained in the room. You idiot. This was the same thing as the drugs hidden in the pet treats on Odette’s show. This was a setup. I’d been drugged with something. I still felt as if I had all my faculties. But something had definitely changed. My inhibitions were gone.

I felt a grin spread across my face as I took everyone in. This is it, I thought. This is my family now.

You took an arrow, and you physically stabbed someone with it. That’s something a kid who eats glue would do. You know I’m pretty sure you have a bow in your inventory.

New Achievement! This little piggy made a boom boom! You deployed a bomb with the supple, curved sole of your foot. You took your perfectly-perfect, 30.004861 centimeter-long right foot and compressed it against an explosive device—a device named after me no less—and you gave it a naughty little shove before you pushed it out the door and detonated it. You killed them. You killed them all for your daddy. The AI made a deep, throaty groan for like five seconds straight, an uncomfortably long time. Reward: You’ve received a Gold Spicy Box.

Lmfaoooooooooooo

“Wait,” I said. “You saw Odette’s trial?” “Yeah,” Mordecai said. “I testified in it. Against her.” “But she was a crawler long before you.” “She wasn’t charged when she was a crawler. It was when she was my manager.