The Butcher's Masquerade (Dungeon Crawler Carl, #5)

by Matt Dinniman

Enchanted Silver Bracelet of the Ab-solar. “AnD SO The lioN fEll iN lOVe WiTh The LaMB.” I’m actually quite fond of the Twilight novels. Plus, I would never stoop so low as to disparage the work of an over-imaginative and obviously undersexed artist who managed to become a brazilianaire from barely-disguised erotica targeted at adolescent girls. However, I would like to take this opportunity to point out that your culture’s obsession with fictional, underaged heroes was absolutely misguided. Paul Atreides was fifteen years old. Harry Potter was just eleven in the beginning of the first book. The kids from Stranger Things were all tweens. Kid ‘n Play were (portrayed to be) high schoolers when they threw that epic party.

Spoiler alert. Kids are all idiots, and when they’re forced into a life or death situation, they overwhelmingly make stupid decisions and get themselves killed. Like almost right away. They’re like that rabbit you see sitting on the side of the road that decides to dart in front of your car at the worst possible moment. They’re so efficient at getting themselves squished, you can’t help but wonder if they are doing it on purpose. Go ahead. Complain. Tell me I’m wrong. Trust me on this one. I’ve done some pretty extensive and conclusive research on the matter.

Is the AI @‘ing Lucia Marr???

A girl who dreams about one day meeting a hundred-year-old predator and making him fall in love with her.

😂😂😂

Mordecai held up a hand. “Or,” he said, lowering his voice. “You just let her die, and you collect her gear in the morning.” “Why would I do that?” I asked. “Oh, I don’t know,” he replied. “Maybe because two different sponsors, who know more than you do, just spent a huge amount of money to protect you from vampirism. And just by coincidence, a vampire shows up and asks you to come help her the moment the sun sets. I know I’m not as valuable as I once was, but I can’t help but see a connection there, Carl.”

Donut: Carl? Would you do the same thing to save me? Carl: Without hesitation. I will break you all. “My beautiful boy,” Miriam whispered as she turned to dust. “My beautiful boy.”

The first time this series has brought me to tears.

He shook his head. “I still think this is too dangerous. But nobody listens to Mordecai anymore, do they?”

“Carl,” Donut said, her voice soft. “Did you see who it was, when the curtain opened?” A deep, foreboding feeling washed over me. “No. What did you see?” “It was Ferdinand. I saw him. It was him. They brought Ferdinand down here and changed his memory and turned him into a jerk. He tried to kill Mongo. They’re making it so I’m going to have to fight him.” It roared. The river, it roared.

Dead is dead, and anything presented to you in any other matter is nothing but a cruel, sadistic tease. We are on a fabricated stage surrounded by puppets built by the enemy. Do not ever forget this.

thought of Odette, and what she’d done with Bea. Motivations aside, it’d been a mercy. I thought of what could’ve been. Of Queen Imogen turning out to be Bea with Gravy Boat on her shoulder. That’s what they’d wanted, I knew.

They’re always complaining about it. So the rumor is they sold Borant an already used one for a real crawl. All under the table. It’s no damn wonder it’s going primal this early. I said to my mate, ‘We are in a world o’ shit if there’s another lawsuit it don’t take kindly to.’ And look what happened.”

Some things shouldn’t ever be purchased used. Like underwear and mattresses and jigsaw puzzles.

“Save the toraline.” The toraline was the yam-like vegetable they’d given me the last floor to save Chris. We’d already used more than half of it to create a potion that allowed me to remove Maggie from his brain.

I stared at the note, trying to figure it out when I suddenly felt the familiar, haptic buzz of my Escape Plan skill activate. Additional words appeared on the page. A chill washed over me. Circe sponsored Diwata. Give potion Donut. Need 15, but make it a secret. Use temp boost. Prepotente + Imani + Samantha all same time can do it. Or use other Pawna potion if have to. Will replace. ~ P. Hu.

<Note added by Crawler Herot. 16th Edition> Show them the lie. Show them the seams. Show them the path they’re on is a false one. Think of a trolley on a track. A worn path is easily traveled. The more worn the path, the more difficult it is to get them to look away. Just like the deeper the track, the sturdier the trolley. But even the strongest of minds, even those controlled and relentlessly corrected can be derailed just as a trolley can be derailed by a tiny, properly placed pebble. Find the pebble and place it on the path, and their own momentum will do the work for you.

Then she did some Hannibal Lecter thing with her tongue, causing everyone in the room to stop and look at the talking sex doll head. Louis looked to me for help. “Samantha, don’t be weird,” I said. I picked her up and tossed her off the table.

LOL

The tragic story of the butterflies who accidentally killed all their fairy friends is a beloved fairytale. It’s also based loosely on a true story, which is no surprise considering how parents just love to romanticize mass-casualty events.

I wanted to say something about the discrepancy, but Carl here has a kind heart, and he thought we should take the matter up with you privately.” Donut looked pointedly at the door and then back at Clarabelle. “This is us, taking the matter up privately.”

continued to examine the metal rod, thinking. Why give it to Donut? I had an ominous thought. It’d been there the whole time, but I finally let it bubble to the surface. It’s because they expect everyone else to be dead. Donut should have all this stuff because she’s the most likely to survive this next part. It’s why Quasar wanted Donut’s name on the Board of Directors of our new corporation.

“You brushed your teeth, right?” “Yes, Carl. I gave the tube to Katia afterward.” “Excellent. Come on, Samantha. Let’s party.”

LETS FUCKIN GOOOOOOOO

If there’s a wand on the attendant stage, she’ll be able to pick it up and cast it. The wand itself will still be three floors below. It’s just like the magic pens the Popovs and I used to sign autographs at Crawl Con.

Ooooo thts how he stabbed that reporter

“Want to hear something funny?” she asked. “I was just sitting there, minding my own thoughts in a damp, dark dungeon, when Apito herself appeared before me and told me I was invited to a party. And suddenly, I was here.” Carl: Hey, Zev. This wasn’t me. This one is on the AI.

The AI has gone full primal

it.” He paused uncertainly and then added, “They do that. If you survive long enough in this place, they’ll eventually make you turn on your own party. It happens every time. You’ll regret making it as far as you have, no matter who is helping you. No matter how close you are, we’re all alone in the end. Alone and broken with the choices we’ve had to make.”

Mordecai: See if you can find out if that fuck tit is in the same room as you, and if he is, I would consider it a personal favor if you shoved a dynamite stick up his ass once the protection seal is broken.

Sledge: Guard turrets get good. Twister house blow up. Got both. Louis: Nooooooo! Sledge: Surviving is winning, Louis. Everything else is bullshit.

The Crown of the Sepsis Whore.

With the crown on Katia’s head, it meant one thing. Only one of them, Donut or Katia, would be allowed to take the stairs from the ninth to the tenth floor. I do that sometimes. I hurt those around me.