The Butcher's Masquerade (Dungeon Crawler Carl, #5)

by Matt Dinniman

It roared. The river, it roared.

They’re not the same. Even if cured of the rot injected into their aura. Don’t even try. Hope is crucial, but it can also be poison if it is blind.

Even if I succeed. Even if I survive to this fabled 18th floor and emerge victorious, I hold no cursed faith for those who have been lost, and I suggest you do not, either. But that doesn’t mean we still can’t have hope. I dream of a fire that spreads across the sky like the Winter Nebula. A fire that reaches the beginning and the end, and even though this fire exists only in my mind—for now—the warmth of it is enough to sustain me, even on the coldest of nights. For you, Ikicha.

Carl: You haven’t seen what this is doing to her.

I swallowed and looked down at Donut, who was still cradled in my arms.

I was lucky in this, I knew. I thought of my father. I had no idea if he was even alive before the collapse. What would that do to me? If he was alive at the time, certainly he would’ve been caught up in the collapse. It was only a matter of time before they brought him here.

“Who ratted me out? Was it Katia? Or Mordecai?” “It was Imani and Louis, actually. Separately. But Katia is talking to me, too. I appreciate what you’re attempting to do for me, Carl, but it is of no worry.” She cleared her throat, twisted in my grip, and jumped to my shoulder. She sat stiffly, attempting to compose herself. I could feel how tense she was. “Ferdinand may have been my first love, but I am a mother now, and I have more important responsibilities. Mongo needs me, and if I am going to pursue a singing career, I can’t be tied down or all emotional because my ex-boyfriend is suddenly trying to get back into the picture. I admit, it did surprise me. But I am over it now. If anything, I see it as a good thing. If Taylor Swift or Adele can profit off of heartache, I’m quite certain I can as well. It’ll make for a good song.”

The Semeru Dwarves of the city of Larracos lost everything they’d been working for.

She saw something too many parents miss. This petite, timid child wasn’t a reflection of herself. She was something much more wondrous. She was an unwritten story, one that could end up anywhere.

She does, however, remember the horror and loss she felt when she realized everything she’d been working for wasn’t going to happen. She also remembers that first spark of rage she felt when she watched her father beat her mother. That spark of helpless, impotent rage has done nothing but grow over the past few centuries. That rage ain’t so impotent anymore. Tina’s story is not yet done. Or maybe it is, if you have the balls to try to fight a murderous allosaurus protected by thirty-plus raptors. Or perhaps you might try to reawaken the child within her, and give her what she wants. “She’s a lot like Bonnie the gnome,” I said. “I was thinking of someone else,”

“Carl, we can’t kill her! She’s Kiwi’s daughter! This is Footloose, not one of your Rambo movies.” “This is nothing like Footloose, Donut.” “It’s nothing like Rambo, either,” she said. “I’m not the one who said that. You are!” “Exactly, Carl.”

My HUD blinked twice, paused, then it flickered a third time. For the briefest moment, I felt a strange, rushing sensation, but it cleared away almost immediately, as if nothing had happened. But then I noticed a new bar in my vision, underneath my health and mana. Mine was filled all the way to the right. What the hell is that?

For those of you that don’t know what that means, here’s a quick lesson. You gotta earn your keep. This is an action-themed program, after all. Not some sappy drama where everyone just cries and masturbates all day long. I’m looking at you, Hunter Veeka.

Good luck. And just remember, you brought this onto yourselves.

“I told them. I fookin’ told ‘em this would happen. It’s going primal.”

The AI

Nobody ain’t gonna really get hurt except you guys, and people like me who gotta work to earn a living. Them viewers will eat it up, and Borant or whoever is holding the credit chit is still gonna make more money than all the gods combined.” I was starting to like this guy, which was a problem.

(Incidentally, this second iteration is the type in the faction wars games of the ninth floor. There, each team is gifted a throne seed the moment we crawlers arrive. They are given a day to place the seed, and the game begins. The seed must be placed within a self-contained structure on their property. Oftentimes they have prepared for this by pre-building a castle or using a pre-existing structure. The location of this building cannot be hidden, so placing the seed within a fortified structure is the best choice. Once the castle is conquered, then the associated armies are defeated and dominion is transferred to the conqueror.)

I have not personally obtained a castle, but a fellow crawler has. They state there are a few differences to the interface regarding town defense and available upgrades, but they have not told me what they are and threatened to punch me in the mouth if I kept asking, so I have refrained. If I learn more, I will update this entry.

As I watched, Tina’s red dot blinked and turned white. I sighed. Carl: We have a recital to prepare for.

The trees and dryads are casting a spell that just might help them. It will not stop the plague, but if they are successful, help will soon arrive to protect them from the worst of it.” “Okay,” I said, not understanding. “Help in the form of Diwata, the forest protector. I heard of your incident at the temple. You will need to be extra careful if Diwata enters the realm. They are especially unforgiving of apostates. Stay away from any all-trees. They will whisper your location to the deity. We do not need their intervention in these final days.” “Great,” I said. “Just great.”

“It’s a nipple ring. It’s going to dangle. You know how I feel about things that dangle.”

“And how are we going to attach it? It says you have to attach it manually the first time. My nipple isn’t pierced, Carl. One doesn’t pierce the nipples of cats. That’s how one gets a visit from the ASPCA! If you think it’s such a great item, why don’t you put it on yourself. I don’t see you trying to pierce your own nipples.” “I am! The one I’m going to wear is even bigger than this one!” “Well, you can wear both because I’m not wearing it.”

“If you put it on,” I said, “I’ll give you a prize.” She peered at me suspiciously. “What sort of prize?” “An expensive one.”

I stared at the note, trying to figure it out when I suddenly felt the familiar, haptic buzz of my Escape Plan skill activate. Additional words appeared on the page. A chill washed over me. Circe sponsored Diwata. Give potion Donut. Need 15, but make it a secret. Use temp boost. Prepotente + Imani + Samantha all same time can do it. Or use other Pawna potion if have to. Will replace. ~ P. Hu. The note hit me like a hammer. It took me a few reads to decipher it.

and then eyed Samantha, who was rolling around the room squealing hysterically while the two small ursine, Randy and Todd, used her like a soccer ball. “Hah, kick me! Kick me, little ones! Oh, yes. Just like that. No, not the nose sweetie or I will kill Prudence.”

“Okay,” she finally said. “But you gotta do yours first. And don’t tell Katia. I don’t want her thinking I’m a whore.”

I held my breath and shoved the little needle through my left nipple. I bit my lip. Ow. Donut remained on her back, but she just stared at me for several moments as I pulled my troll-skin shirt back on. “I don’t think I can respect you anymore, Carl.”

New Achievement! Sex Pervert! A nipple ring? Really? The next thing you know, you’ll be waxing your perineum and attending those parties where you have to put your keys in a bowl. You’ll have to grow out your sideburns, buy a Trans Am, and you’ll no longer be able to make eye contact with your child’s orthodontist. Reward: Whores don’t get rewards. “Hey!” I said up at the ceiling. “You just made that whole thing up.”

He was a one-bird army. He gave it all up to save his kid.”

“I’d forgotten he was still around until you freed him. That was some compelling drama, let me tell you. My wife bawled her eyes out. Or was it my girlfriend?”

You’re a taxpaying stockholder now. This changes everything about your situation and what you can and can’t do out in the universe.

Meanwhile, the hunter casualty rate went from a two percent average to over 25 percent. Those hunters who are listening to this, don’t worry. Help is on the way! We have a special announcement only you will hear after the end of this message.

Louis came out of the bathroom, zipping up his pants. He wiped his hands on his shirt and came to stand next to me.

After you’re done with this, you should go check out the new bathroom upgrade we have in our personal space. Imani wants everyone to look at it and to vote to see if we want to share the upgrade to the whole guild.”

“You and Katia?” Donut repeated, incredulous. “You are together with Katia? My Katia? Does she know this?” “Yes, Donut,” I said. “It’s been obvious for a while now. I assumed you would’ve picked up on it.” “Katia!” Donut called, jumping from the table. She marched toward the door into the main guild area. “Katia, are you here? I must speak with you this instant!”

“Actually, I’m... I’m glad it’s all out in the open. I must admit, I was a little worried that you, Carl. You know. You had a thing for her.” “For Katia?” I asked, surprised. “She’s like my sister.” “He’s psychologically damaged thanks to Miss Beatrice,” Donut said. “Don’t let that nipple ring fool you. He doesn’t get very many girls. Besides, based on his porn-viewing habits, I’m pretty sure he has a thing for Asian girls.” “Nipple ring?” Bautista asked, raising a fuzzy eyebrow. “You never know what someone’s kinks are,” Donut said. “For example, I had no idea Katia was into furries.”

Donut: WATCH ME DO MY MAGIC. Donut leaned in. “Carl wants to visit the Bitches room, but he’s tired of all the ones on the top floor. We hear there’s a room called High Class Bitches. And I would like to take a look at the Penis Palace. I have a coupon for a dance from the Penis Parade, and it says it’s also good at the Palace. I heard they have ogre dancers at this one, and I want to see if the rumors are true.”

“We’re busy!” I called back. “We’ll be out in a minute!” Then, to Donut I said, “Can you say something to calm him down?” “Carl is pooping! He’s almost done!” The crocodilian’s voice went up an octave. “In the hallway? Sir, this is not a bathroom! This is the skill guild hallway!” “Real helpful, Donut,” I said.

“No,” he gasped. “No.”

God the humanity of that

“Again with the nut-kicking, Carl?” Donut said, looking down at the corpse. “The neck breaking thing was cool. I don’t know if that cancels the nut-kick out though.”

“Technically, I should’ve been out of a job the moment the Valtay took control of the Borant corporation. Thankfully, my seniority and vocal differences with how my people comport themselves has kept me in this chair. Plus,” he added, “it would be quite hypocritical of them, considering the circumstances.”

“I’m attempting to give you valuable information, crawler. So pay attention. I’m not the only liaison who’s attempting to keep this system running smoothly. I’m not the only liaison who vehemently disagrees with his nation’s own interests. There are many of us with differing tactics and differing philosophies on how the rules should be interpreted. And there are some of us who meet that second requirement a little too much.”

No offense, Zev, if you’re listening.” Zev: I’m always listening, Mordecai.

“That’s because they trust me. I’ve never betrayed them. Once trust is broken, it can never be replaced. That’s an important life lesson, Carl.” “Are you still on the nipple ring thing?” I asked. “That was days ago.” “If someone says they’re going to count to three, one expects them to actually count to three. Not to just stab willy-nilly into one’s body without warning. I didn’t get to prepare myself, Carl. One must prepare themselves if they’re getting disfigured. You’re lucky the saferoom froze me. I almost bit your hand off.” “I don’t know why you keep bringing this up. You’re being a baby,” I said. “And that wasn’t lucky. Now you have a saferoom strike against you.” “You should kill him,” Samantha said as she rolled by. “It is the only proper response to betrayal.” “Samantha, you have something gross in your hair,” Donut called.

Samantha, get ready. Wait for my signal this time or you won’t be allowed to go to the party.” “I will kill your mother.” “Just be ready.”

There’s maybe five hunters in the non-saferoom pub near the center of town. Place called Cold Stone Creamery. Louis: I love that place. Donut: OMG NOBODY BLOW UP THE ICE CREAM SHOP.

I had the word Shunned floating over my head, much to the delight of Donut and everyone else who saw it.

“Donut,” I said. “You do the honors.” She did a little hop. “Oh boy, really?”

And then we all picked up the map, which showed the location and quality of all the magical gear in the area. Gear we all felt we deserved. It sparked a second slaughter, and I received my first player-killer skull. I wish I had never picked up that map. It wasn’t worth it. I have blood on my claws, and it will never wash away.

“You, and you, and you, and you,” Donut said as she tapped each of the seeker spiders on the head. They scuttled away into the rain. “Come on, my pretties!” Samantha screeched as she rolled off toward the town exit.