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April 9 - May 9, 2023
“ ‘What mistakes did I make that time?’ “ ‘What did I do that was right—and in what way could I have improved my performance?’ “ ‘What lessons can I learn from that experience?’
Criticism is futile because it puts people on the defensive and usually makes them strive to justify themselves. Criticism is dangerous because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts their sense of importance, and arouses resentment.
B. F. Skinner, the world-famous psychologist, proved through his experiments that an animal rewarded for good behavior will learn much more rapidly and retain what it learns far more effectively than an animal punished for bad behavior. Later studies showed that the same applies to humans. By criticizing, we do not make lasting changes, and often incur resentment.
Remember: It’s honey you want—without the bee stings. George B. Johnston of Enid, Oklahoma, the safety coordinator for an engineering company, had to ensure, as one of his responsibilities, that employees wore their hard hats whenever they were on the job in the field. He reported that when he came across workers who were not wearing the hats, he would tell them, with the menace that comes with authority and the wagging finger of regulation, that they must comply. The result? He got a sullen acceptance, and heard that after he left, the workers would often remove the hats. So he decided to try
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The point I am trying to make is that all of Roosevelt’s criticism didn’t persuade Taft that he was wrong. It merely made Taft strive to justify himself and to reiterate, with tears in his eyes: “I don’t see how I could have done any differently from what I have.”
There you are; human nature in action, wrongdoers blaming everybody but themselves. We are all like that. So when you and I are tempted to criticize someone tomorrow, let’s remember Al Capone, “Two Gun” Crowley, and Albert Fall. Let’s realize that criticisms are like homing pigeons. They always return home. Let’s realize that the person we are going to correct and condemn will probably justify themselves, and condemn us in return; or, like the gentle Taft, will say: “I don’t see how I could have done any differently from what I have.”
When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain—and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to understand and forgive. “A great man shows his greatness,” said Carlyle, “by the way he treats little men.”
Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them. Let’s try to figure out why they do what they do. That’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance, and kindness. “To know all is to forgive all.” As Dr. Johnson said: “God himself, sir, does not propose to judge man until the end of his days.” Why should you and I?
There is only one way under high heaven to get anybody to do anything. Did you ever stop to think of that? Yes, just one way. And that is by making the other person want to do it.
John Dewey, one of America’s most profound philosophers, phrased it a bit differently. Dr. Dewey said that the deepest urge in human nature is “the desire to be important.” Remember that phrase: “the desire to be important.” It is significant.
Some of the things that most people want include: Health and longevity Food Sleep Money and the things money will buy Belief in the hereafter Sexual gratification The well-being of their children A feeling of importance
Lincoln once began a letter saying: “Everybody likes a compliment.” William James said: “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.”
If you tell me how you get your feeling of importance, I’ll tell you what you are. That determines your character. That is the most significant thing about you.
If some people are so hungry for those feelings of importance and attention that they actually find solace in madness to win them, imagine what miracle you and I can achieve by giving people honest appreciation this side of sanity.
“I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people,” said Schwab, “the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement. “There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticisms from superiors. I never criticize anyone. I believe in giving a person incentive to work. So I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise.”
When a study was made a few years ago on runaway wives, what do you think was discovered to be the main reason they fled? It was “lack of appreciation.”
“The next morning I got up very early and called the florist and had them send six red roses to my wife with a note saying: ‘I can’t think of six things I would like to change about you. I love you the way you are.’ “When I arrived at home that evening, who do you think greeted me at the door? That’s right. My wife! She was almost in tears. Needless to say, I was extremely glad I had not criticized her as she had requested.
“I was taught as a child to write thank-you notes, so I applied the same courtesy in business. In each letter I explained how much the order meant to me and how eager I was to supply that customer with the coffee best suited to their taste.
How did he do it? Ziegfeld knew the value of appreciation and confidence, and took every opportunity to let them know they were special. Through the sheer power of his gallantry and his consideration toward them, they metamorphosed into the beauties the audience saw on the stage every night.
When Alfred Lunt, one of the great actors of his time, played the leading role in Reunion in Vienna, he said, “There is nothing I need so much as nourishment for my self-esteem.”
The difference between appreciation and flattery? Simple. One is sincere, the other insincere. One comes from the heart out, the other from the teeth out. One is unselfish, the other selfish. One is universally admired, the other universally condemned.
“Don’t be afraid of enemies who attack you. Be afraid of the friends who flatter you.”
King George V had a set of six maxims displayed on the walls of his study at Buckingham Palace. One of these said: “Teach me neither to proffer nor receive cheap praise.” That’s all flattery is—cheap praise. I once read a definition of flattery that may be worth repeating: “Flattery is telling the other person precisely what he thinks about himself.”
When we are not engaged in thinking about some definite problem, we usually spend about 95 percent of our time thinking about ourselves. Now, if we stop thinking about ourselves for a while and begin to think of the other person’s good points, we wouldn’t have to resort to flattery so cheap and false that it can be spotted almost before it is out of the mouth.
The next time you enjoy an exceptional meal dining out, send word to the chef that it was excellently prepared. When a tired salesperson shows you unusual courtesy, please mention it.
In our relations at work we should never forget that all our associates are human beings and hunger for appreciation. It is the legal tender that all souls enjoy.
Try leaving a friendly trail of little sparks of gratitude on your daily trips. You will be surprised how they will set small flames of friendship that will be rose beacons on your next visit.
“I shall pass this way but once; any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.”
Let us cease thinking of our accomplishments, our wants. Let us try to figure out the other person’s good points. Then forget flattery. Give honest, sincere appreciation. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise,” and people will cherish your words and repeat them over a lifetime—repeat them years after you have forgotten them.
PRINCIPLE 2 Give honest and sincere appreciation.
I often went fishing up in Maine during the summer. Personally I am very fond of strawberries and cream, but I have found that for some strange reason, fish prefer worms. So when I went fishing, I didn’t think about what I wanted. I thought about what they wanted.
So the only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it.
Every act you have ever performed since the day you were born was performed because you wanted something.
In his illuminating book Influencing Human Behavior, Harry A. Overstreet wrote: “Action springs out of what we fundamentally desire… and the best piece of advice which can be given to would-be persuaders, whether in business, in the home, in the school, in politics, is: First, arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way.”
“If I were Tim, why would I be excited about going to kindergarten?” He and his wife made a list of all the fun things Tim would do such as finger painting, singing songs, making new friends. Then they put it into action.
“How can I make this person want to do it?”
Mind you, I got this reduction without saying a word about what I wanted. I talked all the time about what the other person wanted and how he could get it.
“If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.”
Mrs. Anderson did not state what she wanted, but wrote in the letter how she could help them, and focused on their wants, not her own.
And customers like to feel that they are buying—not being sold.
‘Hey Luke, hold up, I have some great news for you fellows.’
The best way to motivate someone to do something for you is to show how it would benefit them, as well.
When we have a brilliant idea, instead of making others think it is ours, why not let them cook and stir the idea themselves? They will then regard it as their own; they will like it and maybe eat a couple of helpings of it.
Remember: “First, arouse in the other person an eager want. If you can do this, you will have the whole world with you. If you cannot, you will walk a lonely way.”
PRINCIPLE 3 Arouse in the other person an eager want.
IN A NUTSHELL FUNDAMENTAL TECHNIQUES IN HANDLING PEOPLE PRINCIPLE 1 Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain. PRINCIPLE 2 Give honest and sincere appreciation. PRINCIPLE 3 Arouse in the other person an eager want.
But a dog makes its living by giving you nothing but love.
You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in people than you can in two years by trying to get people interested in you.
If we merely try to impress people and get them interested in us, we will never have many true, sincere friends. Friends, real friends, are not made that way.
