The First to Die at the End

by Adam Silvera

Orion pulls out his phone and starts playing some techno song. It occurs to me that I don’t know what kind of music he’s into, that these are the small ways that we’re still strangers. And yet, here he is, about to perform this big gesture for me.

He places his phone on the floor as he slowly starts swinging around the pole in the center of the car, and with his first hop onto the pole, I can already tell this is not some hidden talent he’s been waiting for the perfect moment to reveal. This is going to be the most charming catastrophe, and I’m going to love every second of it.

😭🖤😭

I can’t speak to what Orion would look like intoxicated, but this can’t be far off. I start taking pictures as Orion jumps up and swings on the ceiling’s handrail that’s for the tallest of the tall. Everyone remains thoroughly unimpressed, and I’m surprised and relieved no one is booing him. “Main event!” Orion shouts. He removes his baseball cap and tosses it up and tries catching it with his foot. He fails the first time, the second time, the third time, the fourth time, and though he comes really close on the fifth time, he misses. “You got this!” I shout. I start a slow clap, and surprisingly, other passengers join in. “Come on, Orion!” The next moment isn’t perfect, even though Orion has strangers rallying for him, but he sneaks a smile for me anyway. Then he focuses as he flips the cap up and kicks his foot straight into it, and he catches himself on the pole before he can fall. My palms hurt from how hard I’m clapping.

Orion grabs his phone off the floor, and goes up and down the car with his cap for donations. He returns to me with a one-dollar bill, some loose change, and a kiss. “Are you completely embarrassed to know me?” Orion asks. “Not at all. That was the best show of my life.” “Well, that’s fucking depressing,” he jokes. At least I think he’s joking. “Thank you so much, Orion. That was everything.” “I think it’s nothing compared to what’s going to happen next.” “What’s that?” “You putting on a show.” “I think it might be too dangerous for me to swing around the train.” “Nah, I’m not asking you to do all that. I want you to walk your first runway.”

Orion’s grin is so mischievous. He’s the king of making memorable moments. I turn to the clear aisle, able to easily imagine it as a stage. Instead of chairs, there are train benches with an audience to watch me. There’s no way I’m passing up this incredible opportunity. “Let’s do it,” I say. Orion shakes my shoulders in excitement. “This is going to be epic! Okay, so they are a tough crowd, but I can hype this up as a one-time event. You game with being introduced as a Decker, maybe even as the first Decker? I want you to get all the love...

He hands me his phone. “Pick your song.” I wanted to know what music Orion is into, and now I’m getting the chance. There’s such a range, between Linkin Park and Alicia Keys and Evanescence and Death Cab for Cutie and Carlos Santana and Celine Dion and Eve and the Pussycat Dolls. There’s so many songs by women, and it gets me thinking about my personal playlist of songs I’d listen to whenever I had the house to myself. I never really felt comfortable listening to pop music around my parents, especially if the artist was a woman.

🖤🖤

But now my parents aren’t around and I’m not stuck in my bedroom. I’m free to listen to whatever I want by whoever I want whenever I want. There’s a song in Orion’s playlist that was also on mine: “Release Me” by Agnes. It feels appropriate.

NO FUCKING WAYYY MY CHILDHOOD

“Attention, attention!” Orion shouts. He hops up on an empty train bench, his arm outstretched like he’s sailing on the deck of his ship—my ship. He’s been an incredible co-captain, like I thought he could be.

🥺

“Don’t worry, I’m not going to dance again,” he says after a couple passengers groan as if their entire afternoons will be ruined by another interruption. “But we’ve got a really special show for you. This is Valentino Prince, and he’s not only a Decker, but he’s the very first Decker—he got his call from Joaquin Rosa!” For the first time, everyone’s paying attention. No one is on the phone or reading a book or talking among themselves. Death makes people pay attention that way. All eyes are on me. Orion’s too. “Valentino moved to New York to be a model, but since today is his End Day, I’d love it if we could hype up Valentino as he turns this train into his first and only runway. Can we give it up for him?” There’s instant applause, like I’m a household name everyone has been waiting to see. Orion presses Play on the song. All my nerves get stomped flat with my first step, and I walk my imaginary line, one leg over the other like an acrobat on a tightrope; one misstep and you can die. My arms swing and hips sway naturally as I lean back, my chest puffed out and my head held high. I stare straight ahead as the music follows me thanks to Orion. Passengers are cheering me on and taking pictures on their phones, maybe even recording. I can’t let that break my focus. Every model should have an objective, something they’re selling to those who are watching. For me, it’s making your dreams come true by any means necessary. At the end of the car, I throw open my overshirt and sli...

It doesn’t matter that I’m not walking for one of the big Fashion Weeks in New York or London or Tokyo or Paris or Milan. I’m getting to be seen by real people, people who will have seen me str...

As I’m making another lap down the train, I realize we’re one stop away from Times Square. Some passengers offer me condolences before stepping out as others board. “This is your last stop to see the one and only Valentino Prince!” Orion shouts, taking pictures. For my last act, everything is coming off. I start removing clothes like it’s an old life to shed. First, the overshirt gets thrown over my shoulder, until I pass Orion and give it to him. Next, I show off the Have a Happy End Day! shirt before removing it. Finally, I’m in nothing but jeans and boots. Everyone is cheering, and Orion is collecting cash in his cap as the song comes to an end and we arrive at Times Square. Most of the p...

I throw my clothes down again and pick up Orion, just like I did on the bridge, and his nails dig into my sweaty back. We’re both laughing over how exhilarating that experience was, and then we give New Yorkers a third show wit...

None of them know how I almost died in Times Square and how amazing it feels to be here right now. Not only alive, but living. “You were amazing,” Orion says. “You should, like, be a model.” “I’m in the market for a new agent. But I got to ask: Do you believe ...

“You made my dream come true, Orion. Thank you for everything.” “Sorry you had to see some super shitty showtime dancing.” “That was a highlight.” “Then you have bad taste. I really can’t believe I did that.” “It was very adorable, but just know if you’re that embarrassed, it dies with me.” “And lives on with every other New Yorker who saw it!” “Well, think twice next time. Better yet, don’t think twice. Isn’t life m...

There’s so much life happening in Times Square. Even though a man was killed here last night. Even though I was told I’m going to die. But what Death-Cast really wanted was for me to live. I’ve done plenty of that now. Hopefully there’s more to come.

She’s about to join the chorus of passengers in bothering the flight attendants for some answers when one of the pilots addresses everyone. “Attention, passengers. I have some news.” Deep in her heart, as if Death-Cast is calling, Scarlett knows—she just knows.

Orion 2:37 p.m. Valentino and I are becoming inseparable, as if we’re the living, breathing versions of our inscribed name back on the Brooklyn Bridge—ValentinOrion, all one word, the O bigger because it belongs to both of us. If I’m not holding his hand because he’s taking pictures of Times Square, I’m touching his shoulder or hooking my finger through his belt loop. It’s like I’ll float away if we lose contact. More like he will, I guess.

“Okay, so I was pretty bummed out by not getting to tell my story, but then you walked past me and I was . . . I was into you from the jump.” “That fast?” Valentino asks. “That fast. Did you think I was a total weirdo for saying what’s up?” “No, I thought you were cute too. And I actually spotted you first.” “Wait. What?” “I was just walking through the Square—” “No one calls it that!” “Well, start that trend in my honor.” “I’ll hate it, but okay. Go on. Tell me how you thought I was cute as fuck as you were walking through the Square.”

“I was walking through the Square, and that Death-Cast presentation caught my eye—” “And then I did too!” “Do you want to tell the story of how I thought you were cute or do you want me to?” “Are you for real asking a storyteller if he wants to tell—” “Anyway, I saw you—” “But you didn’t say hi!” “Probably because I knew I wouldn’t get a word in!” I zip up my lips and hand Valentino the make-believe key. He clenches it in his fist. “Knowing my luck, I’ll probably lose it like my phone.” Valentino looks over his shoulder as if there’s a chance he’s going to find his iPhone on the ground just waiting for him. “I didn’t say hi because I didn’t know that was a thing that people actually do. But I’m really glad you did what I didn’t have the heart to do.” I want to snatch the key out of his hand so I could ask him if the pun was intended, or to rag on how he definitely doesn’t want my busted heart, but Valentino unlocks my lips with his own.

“Just so you know, I legit never walk up on cute guys. I was really trying to live it up.” “Thank God you— I’m really thankfu...

I grab the camera out of the hoodie’s pocket and point at the bottom corner of the bench. “Go sit. I want to take a picture of the spot where I first met you.” “I’m not taking that alone. We’re in that together.”

Valentino and I sit on the bench, and I extend my arm, hoping to get the right picture. I’m about to snap one no matter how shitty it is when someone taps my shoulder. It’s an older Latino man sitting beside a young curly-haired kid in glasses; I’m guessing father and son but definitely family. “Would you like some help?” the man asks. “Oh, uh, sure. You don’t mind?” “Not at all.” We step aside so the man and the kid can get down easily. The kid seems a little jumpy, like he’s about to hide behind the man. I’m guessing he’s like nine or ten. “It’s okay, Mateo,” the man says.

NEEEEJ SLUUUTAAAAA 😭😭😭😭😭

I give him the camera, though I feel bad about scaring this Mateo kid, who keeps looking around. I get this heartbreaking feeling that maybe it’s Mateo’s End Day and he’s terrified of dying but he really wanted to people-watch in Times Square before he does. Valentino snaps me out of it when he turns my gaze to him, our eyes locked. The man counts us down from three and instead of smiling for the camera, Valentino leans in and kisses me. It means everything that I’ll have this moment immortalized, and when we pull apart, Valentino is smiling with his eyes closed, as if he’s burning this moment into his memory, as if he’s not going to be able to look over the pictures with me. “Beautiful,” the man says, handing me the camera. “This will make for a great postcard to send to your family.” “Not for my family it won’t,” Valentino sadly says. “I’m sorry to hear that,” the man says. “I’m happy you’re living your life as you should.” “Thank you, sir.” Valentino shakes the man’s hand, and I do the same. I turn to Mateo. “Sorry if we scared you before. Truce?”

noooooo

He’s blushing and seems upset—not pissed like that Rufus kid back at the pawnshop—but disappointed in himself like he can’t do anything right.

🥺

“Hey, you’re okay,” I tell Mateo. Mateo doesn’t seem to believe it.

We watch the two walk away, the man hugging Mateo close. “It’s nice to see a father care for his son like that.”

There’s a lot about what Valentino has said that makes me sad, even pisses me off. A parent shouldn’t love you only through childhood, but I’m glad his life hasn’t been total hell. It could’ve been so much better if he had parents or guardians like mine.

“What else do you want to do while we’re out here? Find an artist to draw a caricature of us? Nah, that’s a waste of your time.” “Sitting next to you isn’t a waste of my time,” he says. “If you say so . . .” I grab the cash I pocketed from his subway runway and count it out. “Sixty bucks.” “That bad? I thought I did a better job.” “You’re shitting me, right? Sixty bucks is amazing. I’m not surprised, look at you.” “Shall we see how I look after the artist is done with me?” “Hell yeah.” I kiss him, staying in our spot just a little longer.

“O-Bro, have you not seen the news?” “No, I haven’t. We’ve been—” I shut up, my heart going crazy. Valentino can see the panic in my eyes. “Dalma, just tell me what’s going on. I’m freaking the fuck out.” “There’s been a Death-Cast update. Some Deckers have slipped through the cracks, and the problem won’t be sorted until tomorrow. I think that’s still a big question mark too.” I almost drop my phone. I’m shaking. My eyes water. “What’s happening?” Valentino asks. “Is everyone okay?” This is the fucking thing: I should have an answer.

“What’s going on?” “Death-Cast fucked up,” Orion says, shaking. “Deckers have died today without knowing it’s their End Day and . . . there’s a chance that . . . there’s still a chance that more will die before midnight. Joaquin Rosa is trying to fix whatever went wrong, but he can’t promise anything—even though that was his company’s whole fucking job!”

This means that Orion could die today. Scarlett too.

“If the product is broken, they should say that shit!” Orion shouts, scaring people around us. “I’m not trying to have you marching to your death if you’re not supposed to die!” “Let’s go talk about this elsewhere.” “No! This is our first date, and we need to live it while we can!” I get up and pull him away. He doesn’t fight me, which is upsetting. Orion losing that fire means his spirit is breaking on a day where he’s been finding out who he can be in a life where he’s not scared of dying. I’m frustrated and disappointed that Death-Cast has ruined this trust. I won’t be around to watch the company go under, but they’ll deserve it. His phone rings again. “I said I’d call her back . . . ,” Orion says, reaching for his phone. “It’s Scarlett.” “Do you mind?” Orion shakes his head. I assumed he wouldn’t, but I didn’t want to turn my back on him. I answer the call. “Hey, Scar.” Scarlett is crying even harder than Orion. “The airline grounded all their planes.” She goes on to explain everything I already know about the Death-Cast updates with no new insights. “They can’t risk it, especially after what happened on my last plane. I’ve tried explaining my situation, but there’s nothing anyone can do.” This is how it ends. I’m going to die without seeing my sister one last time.

This is where it all happens.” One phone call changed my life. Another is changing Orion’s. “Of course we’re going to Times Square.” “Orion can give us some pointers for the rest of the city.” “I’m excited to meet him.” “You’ll love him. He’s the best.” I hold Orion close. I’ve known that I will be able to help him live after I’m gone, but now that I know he’s not as safe as we previously thought, I’m determined to protect him. That starts with getting him off these streets, where I’m not prepared to save him in the event he has a heart attack. “Scar, I’m going to head back to our apartment. I’ll call you from there.”

“I think we should get out of here. Want to go back to my place?” I know we’ll be safe in my tiny studio.

don't fucking go there omg

“Don’t hate me, but can we go to mine? It’s just . . . if something is going to go down, I want to know I got to say goodbye to Dalma and the fam. . . . If you don’t want to go, I get it, but I’d love it if you came, though. We don’t have to stay that long either, we—” I give Orion a quick kiss so he can stop and breathe. “It would be really nice to be around some family right now. Especially since I can’t be with Scarlett.” “You sure? I don’t want to rub salt in the wound and all that.” “Take me home, Orion.”

take me home asså 😭

Gloria Dario 2:54 p.m. Gloria is at Althea Park with her family. No, she’s at Althea Park with her son and her best friend. This is an important distinction. No matter how much Rolando loves Pazito, he is not his father. And no matter how much Rolando once loved Gloria, he is not her husband. Even if she wishes she had married him instead. But she must live with the choice she made twenty years ago when she turned down his heart.

“Your son is important,” Rolando says, and he gently adds, “But so are you.”

what Gloria does know is that Frankie has never told Gloria that she’s important. Once again, she can’t be sure, but Gloria would bet anything that her husband has never valued her life, maybe only for keeping a clean home and doing the heavy lifting with raising their son. Gloria is important. Gloria matters. Gloria deserves a better life. Feeling this in her heart, Gloria breathes deeply, like after a long day where she’s been on her feet all day and crawls under her covers for bed. But she doesn’t want to wake up to the same thing anymore. “It’s too late to change,” she says.

It’s only going to be too late if you wait until the last minute to start over.”

She reminds herself that she’s important, that she matters, that she deserves a better life. “I’m scared,” Gloria finally admits. “I understand. Frankie is terrifying.” “No, it’s more than that . . . I’m scared of starting over.”

“Starting over is scary,” Rolando says. “But that’s the only way forward.” “It’s the only way forward,” Gloria repeats with tears in her eyes. “For me, starting over means not waiting for my End Day to admit that I’m still in love with you, Gloria. Always have been, always will be.” Gloria sucks in a breath, as if she’s had the most amazing kiss in her life. But Rolando has not touched her. Not physically, at least.

The man she should’ve married was the one standing behind her husband at the wedding. “I’m not expecting you to divorce your husband for me,” Rolando says. “But I hope you’ll divorce him for yourself.” Before Gloria can decide if she wants to restart her life with Rolando, she must choose to end this one with Frankie. Out with the old, in with the new.

She doesn’t want to share a couch or bed or even a hundred-foot radius with her husband, with the man she should have never married. The man Gloria should have left long ago. Long ago when he first terrorized her. When he first put his hands on her. And after every other time. Gloria cannot undo the past, but she can forge a new future. And all’s well that ends well.

Rufus Emeterio 3:00 p.m. Death-Cast did not call Rufus Emeterio because he is not dying today. In fact, Rufus is having the time of his life as he rides his new steel-gray bike around Althea Park. He learned how to ride a couple years ago, ahead of his older sister, Olivia, who has no interest in picking up the skill, and it’s all good because Rufus has enough passion for the both of them and then some.

jag kommer faktiskt gå sönder

He wasn’t at the start of today, but right now, Rufus is happy. Things are good with his pops. His sister is also hanging out. And his mom has just arrived, wanting to see everyone before she returns to work.

“You good, Mom?” Rufus asks. “It’s been a long day.” She looks around at the park, where other kids are playing and laughing, and it seems like the kind of thing she needed. “I’m on call for a surgery tonight. It’s for a Decker who wants to pass his heart on to another boy he’s only just met. They’re both so young and . . .” His dad seems stuck on a thought. “Wait. Did one have a Yankees cap?” “I didn’t see a cap at all.” He snaps his fingers at himself. “Valentino?” Her back straightens. “How do you know that?” “We met a Decker at the shop this morning. They bought a camera off us.” “He was a Decker?!” Rufus asks. He can’t believe he met a real-life Decker and he’s only just now finding out about it. His mom sighs. “Though the news is now reporting that Death-Cast has made some mistakes today. Just because they got some predictions right doesn’t mean they still can’t be wrong. This could complicate things on our end for the surgery, but only time will tell. I just hope those boys are having the time of their lives.”

Rufus is itching to ride his bike some more because all this death talk is making him uncomfortable. But he sees that his dad has fallen into some kind of trance. “What’s up, Pops?” “Things weren’t—aren’t—great with Valentino and his parents. I wonder what his heart is telling him to do.” He looks at his family with a steel, teary gaze. “None of us are perfect, but let’s never let things between us get so bad that we could know we’re dying and still not want anything to do with each other. Goodbyes are the most possible impossible because you never want to say them, but you’d be stupid not to when given the chance.” Rufus lets his father’s words sink in. He would never want to fight with his family so much that he wouldn’t try to see them one last time before he dies. He knows the day will come where he’s a grown man and his parents are old that he will have to say goodbye. And it will probably feel impossible, but Rufus’s father is right, it will actually be possible. Just really difficult. But that’s a problem for a long, long, long time from now. Until then, Rufus is going to be a kid. He’s going to have fun with his bike. He’s going to be a good son and brother and friend. He’s going to live.

🥺🥺🥺

Mateo Torrez Jr. 3:14 p.m. Death-Cast did not call Mateo Torrez Jr. because he is not dying today. That doesn’t mean he isn’t still living in fear. Ever since midnight, when the Death-Cast calls began, Mateo has been scared, staying close to his father. Mateo even slept in his father’s bed last night, resting on the left side that once belonged to his mother, who died giving birth to him. Maybe it’s all the fantasy books he’s read growing up (particularly the Scorpius Hawthorne series, which is chock-full of prophecies) but Mateo has always imagined that he’s been marked for an early death because of the life that ended when creating him.

...

He’s arrived at Althea Park with his father. There’s plenty of fresh air, but he still feels like death must be hiding around every corner.

Valentino och Orion träffade Rufus och Mateo och på grund av det kommer de träffa varandra, en gång innan deras sista gång. Asså- 😭

Now look at Mateo. Given the gift of life, and too scared to open it.