The First to Die at the End

by Adam Silvera

It’s been twelve hours since I became the first Decker. There’s no doubt I’ve only made it this far because of Orion. It started with him saving my life and has evolved into him changing how I live it.

“I got a flight!” Scarlett shouts while breathing hard, sounding just like when she’d join me for a run and would yell at me to slow down whenever my thoughts carried me ahead of her. “You did?!” My smile tells Orion everything he needs to know. “For when?”

“Twin thoughts. I’m here, I’m going to board. I love you, Val. Be safe so I can see you soon.” “I’ll guard my life with my life.” We hang up. I’m so happy that I start shaking. I might even cry. “Scarlett’s coming!” Orion says. “She sure is! She’s boarding her plane now.” “We just got to guard your life with your life,” Orion says, smirking.

It’s funny how well I feel I know him and how much more there is to learn. The one bright side to Scarlett not being here yet means I get to spend more time with Orion. Hopefully I’m able to introduce them to each other. Not only because Orion will be carrying my heart but in the hopes he can look after Scarlett in New York when I’m gone.

I’ll speak to my parents if I have something to gain. But I owe myself peace more than I owe them anything.

Today is beginning to feel like I’m doing years of growing up within hours.

“Trust me,” Orion says. “I do.”

“Unfortunately, you’re the perfect person to tell a secret to.” Any secret dies with me. “Exactly.”

Then right as the conductor begins announcing what the next stop will be, Orion’s lips graze my ear. “I’m scared I’m going to die and never have been in love.”

It’s empty except for us. “Is this rare in New York?” “Not at all, but we’re going somewhere that we’re not supposed to . . .” Childhood memories of the thought of going to hell resurface. It doesn’t help that I’m alone with another gay boy.

I answer Orion’s question with a hug. “Thank you for being the most thoughtful person ever.” Orion squeezes. “You kidding? You won that award when you offered me your heart.”

The train pulls into the station, and I don’t want to let go. I don’t care if thousands of people pour into the car. That’ll only push us closer together. I want to hold on to Orion because he’s under this ridiculous impression that someone won’t love him in what I have faith will be a long, long life after the transplant.

🖤🖤

I get out and follow him up the stairs and outside the station with a new mission before I die. Make sure Orion knows he deserves the world.

Desiderata is about what you need in life, what you desire, and when the door opens and in walks Rolando, Gloria breathes as if he’s the oxygen she’s been craving. It doesn’t even matter that he’s not carrying sunflowers.

Rolando hugs Pazito with a love and tenderness that Frankie doesn’t.

She won’t be able to spend her life with Rolando, but they can have today.

“I’m thinking about your secret.” “The secret that stays in the secret station?” “I implied I’d take it to my grave. I never said we wouldn’t talk about it.”

“Why do you think no one will love you before you die? Because you’re expecting you’ll die young?” “It’s wild, but I could live until I’m a hundred and I think I’ll still never know love. Like, legit love. This world isn’t built for guys like us, you know.” “That doesn’t mean there isn’t someone out there for you.” I want to scream that I think he’s that capital-s Someone.

Parents not kicking you out of your home because you’re gay shouldn’t be luck. That should be the expectation when you bring a kid into this world. If you can’t do that, then fuck off, fuck off, fuck off. I’m done playing this shit where we got to be nice to people who hate on us for how we love. They’re the reasons why we got it so hard, why we lock away our feelings even though it means we’ll die without knowing the happiness that comes to others so easily.

“Do you believe in soul mates?” His blue eyes stare out into the river, then the skylines. “I think so. I believe there are people you’re destined to meet, but it’s up to you to do the work. The work always seemed really intimidating and even impossible.”

“I feel that. I love being gay, but fuck, this shit is hard sometimes.” “No kidding. It’s not even legal for us to get married.” My heart stops—not really, but really, you know—and it only starts pumping again when I realize he’s speaking about the general us, not the Orion-ampersand-Valentino us.

“Is marriage something that’s been on your brain?” I ask. “Absolutely. I was looking forward to meeting my man and proposing and planning the wedding and stressing out about vows. Scarlett would be my maid of honor, of course. I originally pictured my parents being there, but when I realized that wasn’t going to happen I thought I’d invite so many friends and friends of friends to fill the venue so I wouldn’t even notice they weren’t ...

If Valentino had been in love and wanted to cement that by marrying his partner before death do them apart today, he couldn’t.

...

“Do you want—” I stop myself, hating how Valentino will die before I get this right. “Did you want kids?” Valentino nods. “I had names picked out too.” “Please tell me you weren’t going to keep up the Valentine’s Day theme.” “I absolutely would’ve! I wanted Rose for a girl and Cupid for a boy.”

Valentino seems nervous sharing. “I really like Vale because it feels like the fraternal twin to my name. Alike, but not identical because they’re pronounced differently. It’s also unisex, which I love.” I genuinely love the name too, but I’m too choked up to say anything. He really gave this a lot of thought, and it will never happen. There are some bucket-list boxes you can check off on your End Day and others that are impossible. Like Valentino getting married to the love of his life and having a child named Vale. “I hate that you’re being robbed of all these moments.” “What moments?” “Everything you want. Falling in love, walking down the aisle at your wedding, holding your baby for the first time, all of that.” “I hate it too. I like knowing that it doesn’t die with me. You’re the first person I’ve spoken to about Vale.” “Not even Scarlett?” “No. I’m like you that I’m not sure how realistic all that was. I certainly believed I’d have more time to make those dreams come true, but there were still so many barriers. I didn’t want Scarlett to get so excited only to not watch it all happen. Especially because she wants a big family of her own; she’s hoping for triplets. She would’ve offered to name a kid Vale for me, but that would’ve meant giving up on my Vale. I might have to take her up on that now.”

“If something happens, will you tell Scarlett for me?” Valentino asks. “Of course. This world will have a Vale Prince, even if I got to name my kid that.” He scoffs. “You’re just saying that.” I stop and grab his wrist. “Hell no, I’m serious. I’d never lie to you. First name, Vale. Middle name, Prince. Last name, Pagan.” “Vale Prince Pagan,” Valentino says, testing it out. He stares out into the city skyline, like he’s imagining this child growing up in the city he didn’t get to. “They’ll have your curls and loud laughs.” “It sucks that they won’t have your blue eyes.” “Hazel is really beautiful too,” Valentino says.

He turns to me with this intense gaze. I press my hand to his chest and walk my fingers up to his collarbone. “I’m happy the kid will have your heart.” “Technically, you’ll have my heart.” There’s a fire growing inside me, but this isn’t a heart attack. This is life lighting me up. “You’ve had my heart since the start, Valentino.” I’m burning, burning, burning. “And you’ve given me the best End Day, Orion.” “It’s not over. There’s still lots of firsts ahead of you.” “There’s one I’d love more than others.” “Then carpe fucking diem—” Valentino’s heart-shaped lips shut me the fuck up.

😭😭

He turns to me with this intense gaze. I press my hand to his chest and walk my fingers up to his collarbone. “I’m happy the kid will have your heart.” “Technically, you’ll have my heart.” There’s a fire growing inside me, but this isn’t a heart attack. This is life lighting me up. “You’ve had my heart since the start, Valentino.” I’m burning, burning, burning. “And you’ve given me the best End Day, Orion.” “It’s not over. There’s still lots of firsts ahead of you...

mitt hjärta kommer aldrig slå igen

Valentino 1:01 p.m. One second into my first kiss, and I already hope it won’t be my last.

It’s so passionate that my head knocks the baseball cap off of his. I have half a thought to leave it there on the ground, but that’s from his father and deserves more respect. I somehow manage to break the kiss and bend down for the hat. As I’m rising, I lift Orion by his hamstrings and he wraps his legs around my waist. I’ve always wanted to carry another boy like that. Orion kisses me from above, and I’m seeing stars.

Orion unwraps his legs from around me and slides down my body until we’re face-to-face. I put his cap back over his curls, and he adjusts it just as he likes it; I’ll get it right next time.

“Hi,” he says. “Hi. That was memorable.” “Hey, I might suck at history, but I can make it.”

I sigh deeply. “You have made my End Day so hard, Orion.” First, there’s a flirty glint in his hazel eyes, then concern when he sees I’m not smiling. “Shit, I’m sorry, did I—” I slide my palms up his, pressing them together. “Thank you for giving me a glimpse into the life I moved here for. It’s not going to be a long life, but I’m getting to live it because of you.” “I don’t know how long I got either, but if you’re my first and only, then I could—” “Don’t say you’ll die happy.” “Then I could die . . . miserably . . .” “That’s not great either.” “How do I win, then?” “By not accepting defeat. I’m honored to be your first, but I don’t want to be your only.”

I bring his hand to the inside of my overshirt, my heart beating against his palm. “After the operation, you’re going to have more time. Please use it wisely so you’re not trying to squeeze in everything in one day. Write the longest novel ever. Look for love. Start your family.” Orion is tearing up. “Why are you hitting me with a goodbye speech right now?” “I can’t hold off on anything anymore.” I kiss him again. “Especially not after my favorite first with you.” “There’s still time to one-up it.” “How so?” “I’m going to take you on your first date, Valentino.”

aaaand I'm crying

“Is everything over?” He can hear the slight hope in her voice for a dream he can’t make come true. “No. But if my understanding of the issue is correct, this glitch isn’t done.” “What do you mean?” Naya asks. She holds up her hand, understanding he can’t expand into too many details. He shares what he can. “I’m under the impression this issue caps at twelve deaths.” That means there’s still one Decker living their life, unaware it’s their End Day.

Orion 1:24 p.m. Valentino and I hold hands like a couple as we continue down the bridge.

There are safer options, thankfully. Like strolling through Central Park and riding the carousel, maybe even together on the same horse or unicorn if we want to be extra gay about it.

Then I stop giving a shit about what the world thinks when Valentino pulls me into a kiss, like I’ve seen so many guys and girls do in the past. I love that this moment documented on camera is both a cliché and a fuck-you to everyone who doesn’t want to see two boys kissing. Valentino and I haven’t looked over any of the pictures taken today, and this is one I’m pretty hyped to relive when we do.

We slow down past this fence that has so many colorful locks clipped onto it.

No locks with the names of two guys. I wish I had one, dyed like a rainbow.

“This is really cool,” Valentino says, trailing his fingers down the fence before continuing down the bridge, taking me with him like a current. “I should’ve brought a lock for you. Why the hell isn’t anyone up here selling any? They could make a killing.” Valentino laughs. “You can always come back and leave one in honor of me.” “Nah, I want to make moments while I have you.”

Then I spot a wooden bench, there for any tired travelers. I grab my key and get down on my knees and begin carving—V-A-L-E-N-T-I-N-O—as he takes a picture of me vandalizing the city. When I’m done with his name, he pulls out Scarlett’s home key and starts scratching mine into the bench. It doesn’t take him as long to finish. It all reads like one word: VALENTINORION I like how his O flows into mine, as if he’s passing it on along with his heart. I’ll take every letter and kiss and breath from him before it’s time to live without him.

valentinorion

“I know where I want to go for our first date,” Valentino says. “Where?” “Times Square.” “But that’s where—” “Where I found out I was going to die.” “And almost did.” “It’s also where we met. I’d like to go back.” “You sure it’s about us and not because you want to find your phone?” “See? You know me well.” I sigh. I can’t deny a dying guy’s wish. “Let’s go back to where it all started.”

Valentino 2:02 p.m. Life moves fast when you stop waiting around for what you want. When you go for it. To think Orion and I started our trip on the Brooklyn Bridge talking about why love is hard for boys like us to coming out the other side holding hands is as amazing as our first kiss.

I’m going back to Times Square, where my life should’ve ended, and I’m going to enjoy my first date with the boy who saved my life.

We board the R train and the car is packed. I’m pressed against the door with Orion’s back leaning into me, my hands locked around his waist. He rests his head on my shoulder. I’m glad his eyes are closed because he can’t see the passengers stealing glances at us as if we’re doing something wrong. This city can be scary, but I’m not going to show fear. I won’t get a long life of little moments like this one with Orion, and I want to embrace the feeling of someone’s body against mine while I can.

🖤🖤

After a few stops, enough people have filed out that Orion and I are able to take a corner bench. He wraps an arm around my shoulders and lounges a leg across mine. I kiss him when he smiles at me, thinking about how everything is beginning for us, just like it should for two people who only met less than twenty-four hours ago. I don’t think we would’ve moved as quickly if I had all the time in the world, but that doesn’t mean I would’ve enjoyed the secret subway station and long walks on the bridge any less. I would’ve just wanted more, as I do now. “I think I’m going to have to make an ass out of myself for you,” Orion says at the next stop. “What do you mean?” Orion squeezes my thigh. “I’m waiting for a sign, one sec.”

I look around the train, trying to see what he’s paying attention to. Then we exit the tunnel and pull into the next station, and I see the very literal sign: PRINCE STREET. I gasp and quickly snap a picture of it. I want Scarlett to come visit.

“You better appreciate this shit,” he says. “Appreciate what?” The train doors slide closed. Orion takes a deep breath and shouts the magic word: “SHOWTIME!”

omg jag älskar honom 😭

I’m stunned that Orion is even willing to do this. It takes a lot of heart; the soul kind of heart, not the organ. “Showtime on the R train! This very special showtime is dedicated to our newest New Yorker!” Orion points at me, and I’m blushing. He’s clapping, working extra hard to get a scatter of applause from the other passengers. “Thank you, thank you!”