The First to Die at the End

by Adam Silvera

Then we move as if the world could end in the next minute. He passes me a condom, and I slide it on and slowly move inside him, and it feels so good that I can’t believe I’m only going to be able to experience this once. The only thing I can do is no different from what I’ve done all day: live in the moment. Our hands are pressed to ea...

PART FOUR The End On behalf of everyone here at Death-Cast, we are sorry to lose you. —Joaquin Rosa, creator of Death-Cast

Orion 6:06 p.m. That first time was better than I could’ve imagined—and I’m a fucking writer!

I’m not interested in jumping out of planes or scaling mountains, but sex has always been pretty high on my to-do list, and Valentino was the perfect first partner. It was slow, like I always thought it would be, and he checked in on me every step of the way, never trying to rush through it even though the clock is ticking louder and louder on his End Day. He wanted to live in that first time as long as I did, and it’s as if we turned minutes into hours. But real talk, we’re talking minutes here. Some of my favorite minutes ever.

The whole time I’m rinsing my hair and body I’m torn between memories of how good everything felt and how bad everything will feel when he’s gone.

I change into fresh jeans, a bit baggier than my last pair so I won’t have to fight my way out of them. And on top of my undershirt I put on Valentino’s gray button-down he’s been wearing, breathing in the collar that smells citrusy, kind of like his hoodie. If Valentino has a problem with me wearing it, then he’s going to have to wrestle it off me, and then maybe he dies or we die together because of a fight over a shirt that I want to keep like a championship belt, like a trophy that will always remind me of the victories on this End Day.

“It’s a good look on you.” “You wear it best, but I want to keep it, and you should know I’m willing to fight you to the death.” Valentino rises from the desk and pulls me into a kiss. “It’s all yours,” he says after. He seems content in his Have a Happy End Day! shirt, though I invite him to raid my closet again now that I’ve robbed him. He goes through my hoodies as I do some cleaning up—condom and wrapper in my small trash, socks and underwear and skinny jeans in my hamper.

I begin making my bed. Somehow, it’s going to feel so empty without Valentino, even though I only shared it with him once. Grief is a sneaky son of a bitch, trying to knock me out before Valentino is even down for the count. I’m not having much success with tucking the fitted sheets under the mattress, I always get this shit wrong. Then Valentino comes to the rescue, and it’s the millionth reminder that he won’t be around to help make my bed, to hold me close, to ask how I’m doing. “We should get going, Orion.” I try speaking, but I can’t. I’m not ready for this to be over. “I thought we could share one last first,” Valentino says. “Don’t say our first last goodbye or anything like that.” Valentino holds up the camera. “First stroll down memory lane?” “I’d love that,” I breathe.

“I thought we could do it at my place. Then I can leave the camera behind for Scarlett and we can go straight to the hospital after. Hopefully Dr. Emeterio has figured out something for me . . .” That something being a peaceful way to die versus whatever else awaits him. But I’m not giving life to those nightmares. I’m going to live the dream. “Take me home, Valentino.”

no...

For the first time since this morning, Frankie is very tempted to slam the door shut—right in Rolando’s face.

hate this for gloria, love it for valentino

Valentino meets my eyes in the rearview mirror. And smiles. And nods. And tears up. “The board approved the surgery,” Valentino says. It would be a bad idea for my heart to explode right now, but I’m bursting with happiness. We can’t save his life, but we can hook him up with a gentler death. Death-Cast for the win.

And now, Gloria must do what she fears most. Leave. This is the only escape. The only way out is through, as Robert Frost says.

Gloria wishes Death-Cast was functioning as promised so she’d know who will make it out of this apartment alive.

Valentino 6:37 p.m. Everything is going according to plan.

Nop, no, no no no

We arrive at my building safely, parking outside with Dayana’s car behind. Everyone steps out onto the curb, and we release this collective sigh of relief.

okej, de är alla där

Dayana checks her phone. “Back down by seven, okay?” “How long is that?” Orion asks. “Twenty-one minutes.” “That’s not enough time.” She looks at her phone again. “Now it’s twenty minutes. Your time keeps going down, so you should hurry up.” I reach for my keys, now sporting the pizza key chain Orion’s family gave me. “We should buzz Frankie just to be dicks,” Orion says. “Maybe on the way out.”

I unlock the lobby door, and it slams closed behind us.

“What’s the first thing you’re going to eat after the surgery?” I ask. “Isn’t that kind of torturous to talk about?” “It’ll be over soon anyway,” I say with a lightness in my voice. “You choose for me,” Orion says. It’s hard to think because at this point I would eat this dirty banister or a human foot. “You got to have some linguini, of course.” “No doubt, no doubt.” “Mashed potatoes drowned in gravy. Roasted carrots. Steamed spinach. Macaroni and cheese that’s baked to the point it’s burnt.” “I might have to break that up over a couple meals.” Third landing, third kiss.

Someone is arguing upstairs.

...

“I’m excited to see these pictures,” I say. “Which ones are you most hyped to see?” Orion asks.

“The High Line,” I decide at the top of the stairs, right as I hear a clattering from above that I can’t make out and don’t concern myself with because I’m happy in this memory. “It’s our first photo together. I want to see how it came out.” “I bet you look amazing, and I look like shit.” Fourth landing, fourth kiss.

Fifth floor, fifth kiss. “This moment isn’t so bad,” Orion says. This one isn’t.

Frankie Dario 6:40 p.m. Frankie is going to kill Rolando.

Valentino 6:41 p.m. Orion holds his chest and takes a deep breath. “How’s your heart doing because mine—” The shouting becomes clearer at the top of the sixth floor. It’s Frankie. “You can get the fuck out of my house, but you’re not leaving with my family!” A woman says something, maybe about property? “Then you can both get out of here! But Paz isn’t going anywhere!” “Where I go, Pazito goes!” “Over my dead body!” Then there’s a clap, like flesh on flesh, and a thud. The woman screams “HELP!” before crying out in pain.

aand there it is

Everything in my heart tells me this is going to be the moment I’ve been dreading, but nothing stops me from racing up those steps. “Valentino, no!” “Stay back, Orion!” I get to the sixth landing without a sixth kiss.

People think Paz is a bad guy because he played one in that movie, but he’s a hero. He’s a hero who is going to save his mother’s life. Paz runs back into the living room, which doesn’t feel like a room for living after he points the gun at his father and pulls the trigger.

omg....

Frankie Dario 6:45 p.m. Frankie is about to land another punch on Gloria when fire strikes him out of nowhere. He falls on his side. Paz stands over him, holding a gun, and fires again. Not even Death-Cast could have prepared him to die that way.

Dalma Young 6:46 p.m. Gunshots. Dalma fears she might have her own heart attack. This is just like last night at Times Square. Has someone shot Valentino? Orion? Both of them? Was this always supposed to end in gunfire?

Orion 6:47 p.m. Everything is mad hazy. I’m seeing stars, but I’m not in space. My head is on a pillow, but I’m not in bed. Valentino’s arm is across my chest, but he’s not holding me close. There were gunshots, but I’m not dead.