Appetite for Innocence

by Lucinda Berry

I want to yell at them to stop screaming—nobody can hear you. Sometimes I do, but it only makes them cry harder.

I’m pretty sure this one is a fighter. He had to sedate her for the car ride which is never a good sign.

Out of all the things from my old life, music is what I miss the most.

In an instant, it all comes flooding back to me. The man. His baseball cap. Perfect, white smile. The way his eyes lit up when I told him my name. I never should’ve told him my name.

And then I hear it. Gut-wrenching sobs. But they’re not coming from me. My tears are silent. They’re coming from the girl on the cot next to me. Why is she crying? Terror rises in my throat.

“We’re not going to hurt you.” Paige’s voice is kinder than mine. She’s always so sweet. She used to have younger siblings so she had lots of practice calming people down. “I get it. I was terrified too, but she’s right. Nobody can hear you.”

“Who are you?” Her voice quivers. “I’m Paige.” Then, she points to me. “That’s Sarah. What’s your name?” She looks back and forth between the two of us before deciding to answer. “Ella.”

My mind and body are separate now. I used to just be me. One person. But now I’m split. I have a body and a mind. I can go back and forth between the two but they rarely ever meet. I can’t help but wonder if I’ll ever go back to just being one.

The FBI? I’m going to have to talk to the FBI?

“She was the one asking questions. We didn’t do anything to get her riled up,” the man says. I cover my ears. His voice is too perfect. Too calm. Just like John’s. I don’t want to think about John.

Relief washes over me. I’m sorry she’s been kidnapped too, but there’s something comforting about not being alone in this.

“We don’t ever get let out, but he does take us upstairs.” “What’s upstairs?” She picks her book back up. “You don’t want to know what’s upstairs. It’s better down here.”

“What are your parents’ names?” I freeze. I can’t talk about my parents. These are the questions I can’t answer.

And red silk boxers with white spotted print.

“I’m not sure. He never told me. But he’s got to do something important and make a lot of money. Did you see how big his house is?”

Paige giggles. I stare at her. “What are you laughing at?” “We just look so goofy.” She smiles. How can she laugh and smile about any of this?

Sarah stays behind her sheet and I can’t help but wonder what she’s doing behind it. Why does she get a sheet? What makes her so different from us?

“How about Sarah?” “She’s been here for years. Forever maybe.” She leans in closer. “She’s his daughter.”

All I need to know is where John is. I did just like he taught me.

Wtf

How do they stay clean? They never shower.

“I’m Jocelyn, Ella’s mom. It’s a pleasure to meet you.” Mom smiles but her smile doesn’t reach her eyes. Not like it used to.

“You have to find her!” I scream at him. “You have to find Paige! You have to! Please!”

Omg

Paige is different when she returns from upstairs. The smile is gone from her face along with the light in her eyes. She doesn’t even look at me.

“Fine. You really want to know? He’s a dirty old man who likes teenage girls. And not just any teenage girls. Special ones.”

“What do you mean, special?” “Virgins. He likes virgins. That’s his whole deal. That’s how this thing works. He takes us so he can be our first. It makes him feel special. Important or something. I don’t really know. He’s a freak.”

“But... but, I don’t want to. I don’t want to lose my virginity. He can’t. He just can’t.” I shake my head. No. I won’t have it. I won’t let him. The dead look in her eyes is back. “You don’t have a choice.”

“Good for Paige. I’m proud of her. I’m going to miss her.” Not me. I made the mistake of getting attached the first time he brought a new girl home.

Wtf

I’ve trained myself not to care about the girls or let them get close to me. It’s easier that way. I won’t miss Paige when she’s gone.

But sometimes he gets ideas in his head about the girls that I don’t understand. Like Bianca. He’d been so excited because she was his first black girl.

“Ella got over it, didn’t she? How’d she do it?” “I have no idea.” I’d wracked my brain trying to figure that one out too. There was no way to climb it because it was made of sleek aluminum. You couldn’t jump over either. John made it that way on purpose.

In my imagination, I envisioned upstairs being rundown and filthy. In all the movies I’ve seen, the creepy bad guys always have disgusting houses. This place is beautiful, like a limestone museum.

He doesn’t look like a monster. He’s handsome—the kind of man that makes women blush—not hideous like I expected. He looks like he stepped out of a business magazine.

Finally, he’s finished and I’m scrubbed clean, but I’ve never felt so dirty.

Sarah and I are going to work on it together. It will be the first time I’ve seen her since we got here.

She better not try to lie

can’t stop thinking about Paige. I’m not sure what scares me most—that she didn’t get out or that she’s with him. But why would he take her and not Sarah? He’d never leave her behind. She was his daughter. His favorite. He called her his treasure. But if she’s not with him, then where is she? I refuse to believe she died in the fire. She had to get out.

Mom keeps going on and on about putting this behind us, but she doesn’t know what I’ve done or the things I’ve been through. There might come a day where my mind is able to forget, but not my body. My body will always remember.

My stomach clenches. I thought I was going to have longer to prepare. I’m nervous about seeing Ella. I hope they haven’t told her I’ve been freaking out.

I turn my attention to Ella and can’t help but gasp. The entire right side of her face is covered in angry purple welts and bruises. Her right eye is swollen shut like she’s been punched.

Her mom rushes toward me and surprises me by throwing her arms around me and squeezing tightly. “I’m so sorry, Sarah.”

Awe

Ella and I are talking over each other, describing John’s different features.

Better not lie girl

By the time he’s finished, he’s come up with a penciled version of John. I’m stunned at how much it actually looks like him. “Wow,” I say, turning to look at Ella. “That’s really good.”

“It’s him,” she whispers. “That’s him.”

“I do,” Ella pipes up. My stomach rises in my throat. Randy nods, giving her permission to speak. “Did you set the house on fire?” Her eyes flare with anger.

“You have such thick, beautiful hair,” he says, desire heavy in his breath.

Ew

“Well, it must be nice to not have to worry about finishing up your history project. You were really having a hard time with that, huh?” My history project? How does he know about my history project?

The f

“I guess,” I say. “How about Jaycee? Have you been missing her?” All the food I just ate threatens to come back up. He sees it happening. “Ella, darling, do you miss Jaycee?” “Yes, yes I do,” I force myself to respond.

Wtf

It hits me like I’ve been punched in the gut. I’m not just some teenager he grabbed when he saw the opportunity. He picked me on purpose. Somehow the fact that it isn’t random makes it worse.

“All that’s over now. Nobody is going to want me to be their wife now.” I tried to cheer her up that day, assuring her that her future husband would understand she hadn’t willingly given up her virginity, but we both knew it was wishful thinking. Once you’re dirty, you can’t ever get clean again and we’d both been defiled.

“We were both virgins,” I say. My cheeks burn with shame and humiliation. “How do you know?” Phil asks. I clear my throat. “Well, because, I know I was a virgin and Paige told me she was too. She told me all the girls he took were. I think it might be why he took us.”

Now, do you want to tell me what your name really is?” “Sarah. My name is Sarah Smith.” I clench my fists. “Sarah Smith?” His voice rises. “And your dad is John Smith? Come on, do you really think we’re that dumb? Stop playing with us.”