Appetite for Innocence

by Lucinda Berry

“We all have our pain and our secrets. None of us get through this life unscathed.

I’m almost out of alcohol and that’s the thing that scares me the most—going through my day without a drink. It’s the only way I get by. The wine is gone. That’s what I drink at night because I don’t have to worry if anyone smells it on me.

I left her downstairs with Sarah. She’s fascinated with Sarah like she’s this exotic creature from the zoo and Sarah eats it up. She loves the attention. It’s fine, though. She can have it. I don’t want it. I’d rather they pay attention to her and leave me alone.

“He’s number five,” I say. “Do you see the man who kept you in his basement?” Blake asks. “It’s the same man,” I hear myself say in a voice that isn’t connected to me. I’m so sorry, John. Please forgive me.

“Get up,” I order just like I used to when I needed the girls to do something. “You’re going to do this because our mom needs you to.”

Omg

I open the mouthwash and take a huge drink. It burns all the way into my gut, settling like a firecracker. I take another drink. My stomach threatens to reject it. I toss the pills into my mouth. I use the water on my nightstand to wash them down.

“Good. Good,” Randy coaxes. “Tell her how you feel, Ella. Let it out.” “I hate being at home. Hate it! I drink every single day because it’s the only way I can stand it.” I sit upright in the bed and point my finger at Mom. “You won’t make her leave. All I want is for her to leave. Do you know how awful she was? Your second daughter?” Mom is weeping now, but I can’t stop.

Damn

“He was a monster and she is too. I don’t care what you say. I don’t care how sorry you feel for her and her sad little life. Every time I look at her—I see him. His face. And you cuddle and laugh with her like you’re best friends.”

“I know this is hard to hear, but you have to take it in. You have to listen to what she’s saying. Really listen.”

“I don’t know what to do. How do I make it better?” I fold my arms across my chest. “She has to leave.”

“I have to leave? You’re making me leave?” Everything is spinning. I can’t believe it. I didn’t even do anything wrong.

Jocelyn and Ella look shocked when they come in the door and see the table filled with food. I spent all afternoon cooking for them.

Omg what if she drugs them

I’m a fighter and I know what I have to do.

“Oh, Ella. I had a feeling you’d wake up. You should’ve eaten all of your dinner.” She brushes her hand on my cheek.

I knew it

“Did you really think I’d just let you get rid of me? Your mom loves me and she’d never make me leave if it wasn’t for you. All of this is your fault. All of it.” She tightens the straps holding my wrists back. “These are just to be sure. I bet you can’t even feel your body right now, can you?”

Wtfff

“Mom! Mom! M—” Her fist slams into my face. The taste of blood fills my mouth. “If you scream again, I’ll kill her. I mean it. I gave her pills in her water too so she’ll never even know I’m coming.”

“I’m not going to let you take her away from me. That’s not going to happen.” Her lips are set in a straight line.

“How do you know it’ll work?” “You think this is my first time? Like I’ve never done this before?” She smiles. Her eyes light up. “I’ve been doing this for years. I give all the girls their last supper. Then, John takes care of the rest.”

Just like that I can breathe again. I gasp for air as Mom screams, “Get away from her!”

“I’m sorry, Jocelyn. I’m so sorry. Please, give me another chance. Please. I just didn’t want to leave you. Please. I’m your daughter.” I hear Mom’s voice behind me as I hurry downstairs, “You are not my daughter.”

So far, they’ve uncovered six. He swears that’s all there is but I don’t believe him.

Her real dad showed up and she would’ve liked that.

Sarah’s locked up in a psychiatric facility until she’s twenty-one.

Randy petitioned for her to be rehabilitated in a locked mental health unit rather than go to prison and the judge agreed. I still don’t feel sorry for her. I never will.

She keeps them in a locked box and sometimes I catch her reading them when she doesn’t think I’m looking.

I still miss John even though I tell my therapist I don’t.

I still can’t believe he’s the one who broke. He was always so worried about me, but he didn’t even have enough strength to follow his own rules.

It turns out Ella was a fighter. She surprised me. It’s not the first time, though, and probably won’t be the last. You never know which side of the spectrum they’ll fall on. As much as I miss John, it doesn’t compare to how much I miss Jocelyn.

I have to be here for another three years, but three years really isn’t that long. It will be over before I know it and I’ll be free—totally free. The first thing I’m going to do is find Jocelyn.

Fuck no