Appetite for Innocence

by Lucinda Berry

“This is you—Petra Manuel. It was taken at Belmont Children’s Services. It was the third time you’d been removed from your home. Do you remember why they took you away from your dad that time?” I glare at him. I want to shove the pictures down his throat. “He beat you up. Again. Your fourth grade teacher was the one who called social services that time.”

They complain that this one smells bad but they have no idea. It used to smell like a dirty Porta Potty. I didn’t have a bed, only a bunch of blankets laid out on the floor and nobody was there to bring me food. I starved for days waiting on John to bring me something to eat.

I’d given him the most intimate part of me and now that he’d taken it, he didn’t want me anymore and was just going to toss me aside for another girl. How could he?

What if he gave me back to my dad? He couldn’t. He wouldn’t. He’d bought me for a price, how could he just return me like I was some used-up gift?

“When kids go through trauma, they do incredible things to survive their situation. Sometimes it means their brains create different stories and other realities to help them cope, elaborate fantasies to make something horrible make sense.”

Do you remember Mindy Steward?” Of course I do. Everyone knows about Mindy Steward. She was the girl kidnapped by some homeless man and lived near her home with him for nine months.

Elizabeth Smart

“It’s okay. Everyone is scared when it’s their first time. It’s perfectly normal.”

Wtf

“We do have some leads on the property, though. The house on Spaulding Avenue belongs to an Eric Sorenson.

“It seems he targets teenage girls who don’t have a biological father in their lives. Ones whose fathers are either dead or play no part in their life. It’s likely he sees himself as fulfilling a fatherly role. In addition, the girls tend to come from religious families.

“Do you think he has sex with her too?” I asked Paige. She turned up her nose. “I don’t know. That’s so gross if he does.”

“It’s tough.” She’s the first person I’ve admitted that to. I don’t know why I tell her the truth. I just do. It feels right.

I start to sob. He hasn’t raped me yet, but it’s coming. He tries each night after dinner.

“I can’t have any of this. This is not how it works. You’ve got one more try.” Terror rushes through my body. “What happens if I can’t?” He doesn’t answer.

He has an appetite for innocence and a very short attention span.

Title ref

I had to prove myself first, but I’ve never let him down. Not once. I always do what I say I’ll do and I follow his directions.

I’ve studied him for a long time, though, and I’ve learned to read his moods like I read my favorite books.

And then it hits me—he doesn’t let us go. If he did, I would’ve heard countless stories about it in the news and there’s never been anything.

He kills us. That’s what he does.

I turn my head to the side. Stare at the blinking red light from the camera above the door staring back at me.

Fuck no

Randy has started trying to get me to talk about the rapes. She says it will help me begin to move past it, but I don’t want to. I’m not telling her the details of what he did to me. Not now. Not ever. I haven’t told Mom either and I won’t. It would crush her. She knows he raped me. That’s enough.

“Don’t call me honey!” I snap. I’ve already told her that. She can call me Ella Bear, but no other terms of endearment. No Honey. No Sweetie. No Darling. Nothing. He’s stolen those words. I’m never getting them back.

If it was Paige, I’d say yes without a second thought, but Sarah? No way.

Yes, I wanted a sister, but not someone who pretended to be a psychopath’s daughter. Not someone who could’ve helped us escape any time she wanted to, but chose not to. Not someone I had to fight off just so I could try.

“Who are these girls?” I ask. “They’re all missing children,” Blake says. He’s not kind to me anymore. He treats me like a criminal. I don’t blame him for it. I’ve done unspeakable things. Things I’ll never tell anyone, but I wasn’t always this way.

Everything changed after Tiffany.

I’ll never forget the night I became a different person.

“Drink this,” he said. I took the bottle. The seal had already been opened.

Most of them look like school pictures. I recognize a few of the girls—Tiffany, Erin, and Michelle. I hand the pile back to Blake once I finished. “Sorry,” I say. “I wish I could help you but I don’t recognize any of the girls in these pictures. I’ve never seen them.”

Wtfffff im so upset

I’m in so much pain it hurts to open my eyes. I’m disappointed I didn’t die in my sleep. I thought he’d give me a break and let my body rest since I was in so much pain, but he didn’t. Instead, he started called me up during the day and at night. He rapes me multiple times every day as if I’m a new drug he can’t get enough of.

Omgggg :(

He got out an old-fashioned camera and took pictures. He made me pose for him for hours while he snapped away.

I made the wrong choice. I should’ve let him kill me.

I should be happy that I finally get to leave the hospital but there’s no joy in going home because Sarah’s coming with us.

“He loved my hair,” I say through my sobs, not sure she can even understand me through my tears. “He loved it. I have to get rid of it.”

Sarah’s gone. She’s moved upstairs with him. Paige is elated because she’s moved over to her bed. She ripped the sheet down so there’s no separation between us.

“I want you to put this in Tiffany’s water tonight before you serve her.” I nodded.

I watched as she drank, never taking my eyes off her. I held back the urge to slap the water out of her hand.

“Dig,” he said pointing to the ground. I started to cry. “No, please. Please, don’t do this to me. You can just leave me here. I’ll probably never find my way back into the city anyway. I won’t tell anyone anything. Ever. Please, you’ve—” He interrupted me, “Dig.” I sobbed as I began digging my own grave.

Girl ur digging tiffanys grave

He yanked Tiffany from the trunk. I had no idea she was in there.

I stared at him in horror. “What did you think I’d do with her? Send her back home to mommy and daddy? Did you really think that’s how this played out?” He snorted, threw his head back, and laughed. He handed the gun to me.

“Shoot her,” he said. Everything froze. Still. I shook so hard I could barely stand. Tears streamed down my face. I didn’t realize I was crying. “No,” I whimpered. “I can’t do it.” “You said you’d do anything for me.” Tension curled his words. “Please, don’t make me do this. I’m not a murderer. Please. I don’t know how to shoot a gun. I’ve never even held one before.”

I placed the gun against the back of her head, closed my eyes, and pulled the trigger. The shot rang out into the night.

He kept saying he’d never been more proud of me and wanted to give me a new name because I was a new person. We were leaving Petra in the desert, buried along with Tiffany, and I was now Sarah. He picked Sarah because it meant princess. “We’re family now,” he said.

It doesn’t matter how good you have it or how much other people love you. It doesn’t change the fact that your real dad left you and the person who birthed you doesn’t care enough about you to be in your life. It leaves a mark even if you don’t want it to.

“We would’ve been friends if we’d met on the outside. She was a good person.”

As they shut the door behind them, all I can think about is how she won’t be thanking me if I’m the one who got her daughter killed.

He’s started to talk about babies and creating a family of his own. My heart skips a beat each time he brings it up. It’s been so long since we’ve had sex. Years.

it was only a matter of time until he returned to what he likes the most—innocent, virgin girls.

“Also, the timing’s never been right and I haven’t found anyone I could see myself creating life with. Until now. Until you, Ella. I want to create life with you.”

Fuck no

But he doesn’t drop it the next night or the night after. He’s convinced he wants to get me pregnant and that we’ll be a great family. Just the three of us. He hints at moving me upstairs with him where Sarah can help me take care of the baby when it arrives.

I hate that Ella has already told them so many things. Stuff they don’t have any business knowing. She needs to keep her mouth shut. She thinks she’s safe now so she can just blab whatever she wants but she has no idea.

Girl....