If He Had Been with Me

by Laura Nowlin

“But this doesn’t make any sense,” he says. “If you didn’t know, then why did you leave me?”

Do not make me cry

Finny surprises me by laughing bitterly. “The only reason I started hanging out with the cheerleaders after soccer practice was because I thought they were still your friends. I thought that maybe I’d have a chance with you then, that maybe I’d be cool enough for you to see me like that. Then when the first day of high school came, you didn’t even say hi to me at the bus stop. And I found out that not only were you not their friend anymore, but you hated them. And then you started going out with Jamie, and Alexis was asking me why I was leading Sylvie on and I didn’t even know what she was talking about—”

I think of Sylvie at some airport, excited about seeing Finny again soon. I think about how I laughed when Jamie told me he and Sasha had discovered they had feelings for each other. I realize how different this story must be from all of their points of view.

“What do you mean she couldn’t do it unless she was drunk?” I ask. Finny looks away and mumbles. “Someone hurt her once.” “Oh,” I say.

“You loved Jamie all this time too,” Finny says. “Didn’t you?” “Yeah,” I say. “Then why don’t you understand? I wanted—I tried to love only her. When I told you last month that I was going to break up with Sylvie, it wasn’t because I thought I had a chance of being more than just your friend. It was because loving you from a distance was one thing, but it wouldn’t have been fair to her if I were in love with my best friend.”

“But if I have the chance to be with you—God, Autumn, you’re the ideal I’ve judged every other girl by my whole life,” Finny says. “You’re funny and smart and weird. I never know what’s gonna come out of your mouth or what you’re gonna do. I love that. You. I love you.”

“Can’t you wait until tomorrow?” “I want it to be over,” he says. “I want it to be just us.”

She is warning you

“When The Mothers get home, you go to bed early, and when I get back I’ll sneak in your back door and come to your room. And then I’ll hold you all night.”

But you son't though, will you?

“After this,” he says, “things are going to be the way they were always supposed to be.”

No.

Death happens to him more suddenly than I can describe to you or even care to imagine.

I think Finny would forgive me. It wouldn’t be what he wanted for me, but he would forgive me.

kitchen, I leave the note on the table. It took longer to write than I thought it would.

No do not do this to me

I put the key back so that maybe she won’t realize I used it and blame herself. It’s the least I can do; this is already not fair to her. But the temptation to be close to him one last time is too great for me to resist.

“I remember,” I say. I remember much more than I wish I did, since I am planning on doing it all over again.

Finny would forgive me. No, Finny will forgive me when I get to explain to him afterward.

Finny wouldn’t approve of me trying again if I am pregnant.

And for the first time in years, I feel like things are going to turn out the way they were always meant to be.