If He Had Been with Me

by Laura Nowlin

“I like it, but I’m not sure if I would be happy here.” “You would be,” he said. I looked up at him. He was looking at me. “Why?” I said. He shrugged. “There are lots of trees,” he said.

To be known is to be loved

I don’t remember always being the brave one. I remember being afraid that he would leave me someday. I never would have left him.

“I think maybe I’ll go to New York for med school though.” Finny in New York instead of me. By then, I’ll be married to Jamie and be back here. It’s funny how things don’t turn out the way you thought they would.

I think about standing at the bus stop with him that first day of freshman year, too awkward to even say hello back to him. We couldn’t have been partners that year, or maybe even last year. He’s still the most popular boy in our school, and I’m still the girlfriend of the misfits’ leader, but since we’re the only seniors in the class, we can be gym partners; it won’t look like it means anything.

“I love him so much that every time I think of him holding me afterward, I just want to cry.” I would want to cry too if I were Angie, but for different reasons. I don’t understand how something like this happens.

he will give me a charm for my bracelet, something subtle that only he and I will understand. It’s romantic, and I wish I hadn’t already thought of it so that it could be a surprise. I try my hardest to forget.

“I’m not really. Mostly I just stand there. And I’m almost always driving Sylvie home, so I can’t drink.” “Sounds like fun. So why do you go?” Finny looks away and shrugs. “Sylvie needs someone to look after her,” he says.

and there weren’t the other popular girls or our different classes or the way the kids at school thought our friendship was strange. There was only our family together and the tree and our presents, and we watched It’s a Wonderful Life together while The Mothers made dinner.

“I missed you,” he said, his head still down. My throat tightened. He looked up. We stared. I don’t know what my face looked like. His cheeks were pink, and I remember thinking that his eyes looked different, darker somehow.

and went to grab wooden spoons and pots for us to bang. When the moment came, we ran down the lawn together, and the neighbors were setting off fireworks, and we stood on the sidewalk and whooped and banged and watched. Finny was louder than I had ever seen him be before. He yelled and his voice cracked; he raised the pot above his head and it clanged like a gong.

Finny, my Finny, kissed me. It was horrible. It was strange and wonderful. It felt like I was watching a meteor shower and did not know if it meant the stars were falling and the sky was breaking apart.

There were four round bruises on my arm where his hand had clasped me. He had never hurt me before. And we weren’t friends anymore. * * *

“In December, maybe,” Angie says. “We’re going to tell our parents soon.”

No. You better stay happy or i will be very mad

Finny is standing at the bottom of the stairs, his drink untouched in his hand. Sylvie is gone. I hear her laughter in the next room. “Hey?” he says. “Yeah?” “Don’t forget what you promised me, okay?” I try to flip through all of my memories of us, trying to find a promise that hasn’t been broken yet. There were a lot of promises; there isn’t much left. “Not while you’re drunk,” he says. My grip on the wine tightens, and I feel myself start to nod and then shrug. “You don’t need to worry about me, Phineas,” I say. “Okay?”

My babies. No, i hope she doesn't break the promise

He looks at me, not blinking, not moving. He does not blush. From the next room, Sylvie calls his name. He doesn’t seem to hear. I swallow, trying to push my heart back out of my throat. “Fine,” I say, “I’m not—we aren’t going to, okay?”

He either chose to ignore her or his brain shut her voic out. I am happy thatf he reminded her

My chest feels hot and my stomach sinks. Finny shrugs, and anyone else would think that he could care less. I know he cares.

Nooooo! I hate part-time sucky parents. I hope they are nice

“Stop,” he says. “I can’t take it.” “What?” He doesn’t answer, but walks around the table and stands behind me. He lays his hands over mine. They are dry and warm. His hip presses against mine. “Like this,” he says. He adjusts my hands. I close my eyes. We are still. His hands press against mine. I take a breath. I hear the clack of the balls.

Average country romace

We are in the courthouse downtown. I’m holding my new digital camera, a gift from my birthday. Angie’s dress is short and white, with blue tights. She has a large white flower pinned in her hair.

What. The. Actual. Goodness. i thought thy meant like ages away, i wasals hopibg to see the thanksgiving

Angie’s hands squeeze Dave’s and I think about his hand over mine as we aimed the pool cue. I squeeze Jamie’s hand.

THERE IS SO MUCH TO POSSIBLY ANALYSE HERE

Finny got a sound system for the little red car from his father. He was never that much into music, but he shrugged and kind of smiled.

How can you not know your own chikd? I hope to never be this out of th loop with my families likesz

Aunt Angelina reaches on top of the fridge and gets them down for me. I take a warm can in each hand. Finny and I like to drink our sodas out of unrefrigerated cans; sometime around third grade, we got the idea that there was something wild and rebellious about drinking soda straight from the can, and for years we refused to drink it any other way. It’s habit now.

“No. I mean I’m going to miss hanging out with you.” A lump forms in my throat. I shrug, smile, and try to speak around it. “We see each other all the time. We have dinner with The Mothers, like, twice a week.” “I know,” Finny says. He looks down at his can. “But I dunno. We should hang out sometime when we don’t have to. Go see a movie or something.”

Finny putting his heart on the line. Don't say someything dumb.

“I’m not sure, Finny,” I say. Even allowing myself to say his name hurts. “I don’t know if Jamie would like it. It might be kinda weird.” “But I thought Jamie and Sasha hung out all the time?” “Yeah, they do,” I say. “But they’re friends—” I flinch, and I can’t speak anymore. I stare straight ahead and try to breathe without trembling. “I see,” Finny says.

No. My darling Finny! No! What was that?! No! Cause he is right, at least be honest and don't put the blame on someone else.

Finny and I meet in the hall and say nothing.

YOU TWO JUST STARTED TALKING AGAIN! THIS IS NOT FAIR

Aunt Angelina comes back into the room and puts her hand on my mother’s shoulder.

We love a good strong friendship

Finny takes a step forward but I don’t. He turns and looks at me. Our eyes meet. He reaches out and lays his hand on my arm. “Come on, Autumn,” he says. He squeezes gently and kind of smiles. “Okay,” I say.

Stop

Aunt Angelina and Finny talk for us while we eat.

The signs of her being like her mother.

“Jamie, my parents are getting a divorce.” There is a silence. I imagine him sitting up, rubbing his face with one hand.

I could have told you that. They needed one. It may hurt but it's for the better. If Finny doesn't speak to her, i will be very mad

“Hardly anything is going to change. Apparently Dad moved into an apartment downtown a week ago and I didn’t even notice.”

My darling. Thi i nit her fault.

“Why didn’t you call me?” “I did. You didn’t answer.” “Oh shit. I remember. I was at the movie with Sasha—” “I know. It’s fine.” “I meant to call you back.”

Am i right? is he cheating or is he just a tramp?

“Will you ever leave me?” “Nope.” “Promise?” “Yup.” “Okay. Bye.” “Bye. Love you.” “I love you too, Jamie.”

"yup" and "love yoj" is crazy. What happended to 'always' and '**I** love you' ? I thought people still usedthose?

Alex asks if it means that my mother and Aunt Angelina are finally getting together.

I fear he is relatable. Shouldn't have said it but a close friendship ljkethat is always going to raise questions.

“This isn’t just about the weather, Jamie. My parents are getting divorced.” “Yeah, but you’re also depressed every winter, so maybe—” “Are you sick of taking care of me?” I turn sideways in my seat to face him.

Darling, tht's life with mental health issues. The average person will get bored or tired of this stuff. They forget there is no solution and focus purely on it.

Sasha breaks up with Alex. She says it’s for good this time, and I believe her. They

It is crazy that she is the one that ended it when she is the reason he had to break up with that other girl. Sasha don't be a chwater.

then Brooke and Noah tell us, casually, that they don’t plan to stay together when they leave for college. They aren’t going to the same university, and they say they don’t want to ruin what they have by trying to make it work.

That makes sense and is very mature of them

I’m supposed to spend one evening a week with my dad, but it doesn’t always work out. When it does, he takes me out to restaurants in the city and asks me about school and Jamie. He’s always liked Jamie. His apartment overlooks the river and the Arch. It has a second bedroom that he says I can use anytime I want. I’m not sure what I would use it for.

They tend to try harder when they are seperate

“Well, since I’m about to be the last virgin of our friends, I might as well look the part,” she says. I look up again. Sasha has the dress flung over one arm. “Jamie told you about that?” I say. She nods. “Yeah, why didn’t you?” I shrug. “I dunno,” I say, and I honestly don’t. “It doesn’t seem real, I guess.” “Well, you’ve got two months and one week until it will be all the way real.”

That is highly inappropriate. Why is he tellibg his female bsf tht his girlfriend wants to wait..? Like if he was talking about himsef, that's okay or if id tol her t keep it to hersef sasha is kind of annoying

My mother and I go shopping on the first day that it actually feels like spring. Mom’s face is thinner and there are always circles under her eyes, but today she is excited.

Now Autumn is doing something she doesn't want fo the sake of her mothers mental health, how extremely relatable

We watch me in the mirror. “Okay,” my mother says. “So.” “Please,” I say. “Oh yes,” she says. I smile and then I laugh. I try to hold my hair with my hands but it falls between my fingers.

Angie looks amazing, and we’ve all told her so, in a sort of awe. With her supple pregnancy encased in blue and her blond hair curled in to soft ringlets, she looks like a Renaissance painting of the Madonna. Dave has not taken his eyes or his hands off her.

AWWW I LOVE THAT

“Where’s your tiara?” Sylvie says. We all turn and look at her. She and Finny are standing by us. In the distance, I see Alexis and Victoria getting out of a limo. “Tiaras are for every day,” I say. “This is a special night.” “Oh,” she says. The boys snicker. Finny glances at them and tugs on her hand. “Let’s go in,” he says.

No. Now this i hte. Sylvie is trying. You can see it.

“Shut up, guys,” I say. “She thought you were laughing at her.” “That’s not our problem,” Sasha says. “For the record, we were definitely laughing at you,” Noah says.

I hate when people think it's okay to be rude just because people were rude to thm

“I love you,” I say, and in that moment, it feels like a revelation. I wish I could explain to him that I really mean it right now. His fingers press into my back. “I will never hurt you,” he says, and he lets me press closer.

What a weird thing to say in response..

“No,” he says, “you don’t need to do that.” “Well, you’ll need to buy condoms then, and maybe, practice—” “Autumn, I can’t even think about that right now. I’m so stressed out about finals and—and everything else. Let’s just not talk about it right now.”

He's cheated, hasn't he?

“I love you,” I say as I kiss him and get out of the car. “Me too,” he says.

He has to have. Look at that response

“Oh,” Jamie says. “Can I come over tomorrow then? We need to talk.” I feel my cheeks heat up.

Yeah because he cheated.

“So, congratulations,” Finny says. We’re still looking straight ahead at the cameras, fake smiles in place. “For what?” I say. “I don’t really know,” he says. I hear him laugh next to me. “I don’t either. Congratulations for surviving maybe?” “Maybe. But come on, it wasn’t that bad was it?” I look up at him. “Nah, I guess not,” I say. He smiles,

“You need me a lot, and it’s more than I can handle. You’re depressed all the time—” “I am not depressed all the time.” “Yeah, you are.” “No, I’m not.” “You’re depressed a lot.” “My parents are getting divorced.” “You’ve always been like this. I can’t do it anymore.”

No. This makes me scared for my future, i feel sick

“There is something else,” he says. My veins fill with ice water, and I feel like I am looking at him from very far away. “What?” I hear myself say, and I think how silly it is that I’m asking when I already know. “Sasha and I have discovered that we have feelings for each other.”

I KNEW IT!

“Okay,” I say. Jamie leans forward expectantly. “Did you sleep with her?” I ask. Jamie draws back as if I pinched him. He says nothing. I blink. “Really?” I say. “When?” “We never planned on any of this,” Jamie says. “We feel really awful about how this has all turned out and—” “Tell me when!” I say.