A Risk on Forever

by N.S. Perkins

“My son might be great, but if he was with you, let me tell you, he would be equally as lucky.”

“You were caring for everyone, but who was taking care of you?” I shook my head. “I didn’t need anyone taking care of me.” “But you did, though.” This time, when his hand moved forward, his little finger hooked around mine, and I knew it wasn’t accidental. My heart was racing in my chest as I stared into the abyss of his eyes. His breath was shaky as he exhaled. “When will you let someone else return the favor?”

I swallowed. I didn’t like asking for help from anyone. Never had, never would. But, as I let his words sink in, I found myself thinking I wouldn’t mind letting him help me. I wouldn’t mind asking him for back rubs when I was sick, or having him run upstairs to grab my purse when I forgot it.

It was then, standing on the Cape Neddick beach, looking at him, looking through him, that it dawned on me: I didn’t just lik...

Two big star-shaped forms drifting above the water. With a sigh, I closed my eyes. “This is still my happy place.”

Through all these experiences, I had the chance to learn that love doesn’t have any language. Love gets expressed in all types of ways, sometimes a lot different than what you’d expect.

Love might not have a language, but different people have different languages to express and receive their love. I’m not sure whether you’ve heard about that already, but if you haven’t, this is your chance to learn.

Your love can be expressed in thousands of ways, none better than the other. The important thing is to find the one that...

Some people might feel loved by being told so. Others might feel another’s love by being given gifts, or by being touched, or by being cared for. Some might feel like they’re in love when they can speak freely, without any fear of being judged, while others might love by doing house chores for their signific...

It doesn’t matter what it is. It only matters that yo...

Speak their language. And if you don’t know what their language is, then find out. Observe them, or ask the people who know them best, and do everything you can to understand them and be understood in return. That makes Helen Adv...

No matter what feelings I might’ve had for her, she was out of reach. That didn’t mean I couldn’t do something I knew would make her happy though. I simply had to keep my heart from thinking this meant we could be something more.

I didn’t think I’d ever seen her this happy. Addy was always smiling, always giggling in her day-to-day life, but today, it was different. It was like she had this aura to her, this glow, screaming how joyful she was. It was a sight for sore eyes.

Looking at her laughing and gesticulating while talking was a much-needed distraction to keep my mind off what had happened before. I could kiss you right now. She’d said it so casually, like it was the first thing that had popped into her head. But for me, there was nothing casual about it. I’d been tempted to say fuck it and kiss her, right then and there, in front of all our families and friends. I wanted to. I really fucking wanted to.

I realized after singing for one or two minutes that Matt had stopped dancing around his mother. He was now seated cross-legged in the grass like a child, eyes wide and mouth curled into a smile. And, just like that day at the church, I couldn’t keep my eyes off him, like I was singing to him. He was the best audience I could’ve asked for, with his attentive eyes and awe-filled face.

And second, Addy, you have no idea how much I want you. Now, and yesterday, and every second of every fucking day.”

I’d never felt like this before, as if my whole body was made of dynamite and Matthias was a lighter.

Just pretend, except for the fact that my heart wanted to burst every time he was around me. No big deal at all.

Don’t wait until you’re old or sick or dying to appreciate things. Live life to the fullest. Always. Starting now. Look at everything around you, be thankful for it, and enjoy the most of it. Time goes by so fast, blink and you’ll miss it. So never wait for anything. Your moment is now.

“I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.” Her voice was strained. I gazed at her, understanding exactly what she meant, even if she couldn’t tell my eyes were only on her. “I know.”

I realized then that she reminded me of the ocean. So much deeper than anyone could imagine. Scary, yet soothing. Tempestuous at times, serene at others. And always the most beautiful thing I could ever lay my eyes on.

I’d thought once I was with her, maybe my desire would lessen, but the opposite had happened. She was a drug, and I needed more.

At that moment, I found myself thinking this was it. I’d felt it on the Fourth of July, and it was confirmed all over again: this was what it was supposed to feel like. I didn’t think I could ever come back from this.

I know I have told you that love is the most wonderful thing in the world, but sometimes, it feels more like a curse than a blessing. I know it all too well.

Being strong for everyone else had been the hardest thing I’d ever had to do, and I didn’t have it in me to be strong anymore.

I wanted to be there for him, even if it meant I’d have to be strong again, but how could I be when I was the villain of his story? The disgust in his eyes as he’d understood what we’d done would be etched in my mind forever. It’d been like a knife stabbing my heart, leaving me bleeding and destroyed in front of him.

And not only did I know he needed me, but I needed him too. I needed his soothing words and his calming smiles. I needed the feel of his large palms on my back and the warmth of his body around mine.

Ever since I met you, I knew you felt each emotion much deeper than the average person. But then again, you’ve never been average. Let me tell you a secret: I do too.

When I fell in love, I fell hard. I couldn’t just like. It was always full-on love or nothing else for me. And when I didn’t end up with the one my heart wanted, then I wasn’t just sad. I was devastated.

But being highly connected to our emotions also has its upsides. When you’re in love, you feel on top of the world, like nothing can stop you. When you receive good news or spend quality time with the people you care for, you’re elated, jumping on the walls from happiness. At least, that’s how it was for me. I know sometimes people may feel their emotions strongly inside but don’t let it show on the outside. That’s okay too.

The important thing is to let you feel. Whether it’s good or bad, whether you prefer doing it alone or in public, it’s important that you acknowledge your emot...

That makes Helen Advice number eight: feeling is never a bad thing, no matter how many in...

I hadn’t realized how used I’d become to having him in my life until he wasn’t. I missed the way he’d wink at me when he said something he knew Helen wouldn’t like, or when he’d text me to ask what was the newest addition to Louis’ famous car toy collection. He had this ability to make me feel seen, even when I didn’t want him to see me.

One thing was for sure: Matthias and Helen Philips had carved their names into my heart, each in their own way, and I didn’t know if there was such a thing as getting over them.

“I know my son, Addy. He is p-proud like no one else, but he also cares so m-much. And I can tell you he cares as much ab-about you as you care about h-him.”

“You’re the daughter I never had the chance to have.”

“I don’t know w-who I have to thank for it, but you sh-showing up at our door on that day in M-march? There’s no other word f-f-for it than a blessing.”

“And, I can’t thank y-you enough for what you did for me. You g-gave me back control over my l-l-life, Addy.” A tear fell from each of her eyes, forming two straight lines on her sharp cheekbones and sunken cheeks. “Take care of yourself, and t-take care of my boy too.”

“Don’t be af-afraid of love, Matthias. Embrace it, and seize it while it’s th-there.”

Surround yourself with good people. The ones who will be there to pick you up piece by broken piece when you go through hardships. The ones who will be by your side through thick and thin, through blazing heats and devastating blizzards. The ones who won’t only be there for the birthday parties and the Fourth of July fireworks, but also for the funerals, for the doctor appointments, and for the days when you can’t seem to pull yourself out of bed.

And, what makes my heart full is knowing that, whether you realize it or not, you have found some of those people already. Some new relationships might appear through the years, some old ones might taper off, but I know you’ll never be alone. That is all I could’ve hoped for, and now my wish has been answered.

I didn’t know if this meant he’d forgiven me for what I’d done, but frankly, I didn’t care. If he needed me tonight, then I’d be here for him. We could talk about it later. Tonight was bigger than us.

My Matt was a pillar in my life, a lighthouse in the storm. Seeing him break almost felt like all hope was lost. Still, it was better than the numbness he’d shown during his speech in the church. At least now I recognized the sensitive man I’d fallen in love with, and through him, I saw his mother whom I’d loved so dearly.

“You are not alone.” He flinched a little at my words, which increased the tension of my fingers on his cheek. “You will never be alone. Do you hear me?”

“I’ll be here for you no matter what.” I’d done it before. I’d been Louis’ pillar, then my dad’s. I could be Matthias’ too. It was what you did for the people you loved.

His face wore layers of pain, probably for many reasons. I wanted to tell him more, to show him just how much I loved him and meant every single word I’d said, but maybe that would overwhelm him more than anything else.

Comfort had a whole new meaning in my mind with my head on his hard chest, a leg wrapped around his, and his fingers tracing circles on my back. I snuggled my nose in his neck.

This was how it was supposed to be. Helen had said it from the beginning, and I realized then that she couldn’t have been more right. Lying there with Matt after promising to never let him go, I knew it couldn’t have been any other way. We’d fought this for long, but I couldn’t anymore.

I'm so sorry, but I have to let you go. Live your life. Don't worry about me.

Always embrace your choices. The reason why you made them doesn’t matter; at some point, you thought this was the right thing to do, and there’s no wrong in admitting it.