Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience

by Brené Brown

nostalgia emerged as a double-edged sword, a tool for both connection and disconnection. It can be an imaginary refuge from a world we don’t understand and a dog whistle used to resist important growth in families, organizations, and the broader culture and to protect power, including white supremacy.

The level of divisiveness, uncertainty, and anxiety in the world today leads a lot of us to struggle with rumination, which Garrido explains is an “involuntary focus on negative and pessimistic thoughts.” It’s important to note that she also differentiates rumination from reflection, which is “highly adaptive and psychologically healthy.”

According to researchers, worry is focused on the future, while rumination focuses on the past or on things about ourselves that we’re stuck on.

Researchers believe that rumination is a strong predictor of depression, makes us more likely to pay attention to negative things, and zaps our motivation to do things that would improve how we feel.

This combination of rumination and nostalgia emerged from our research as destru...

We define nostalgia as a yearning for the way things used to be in our often idealized and self-protective version of the past.

Cognitive dissonance is a state of tension that occurs when a person holds two cognitions (ideas, attitudes, beliefs, opinions) that are psychologically inconsistent with each other,

Albert Camus observed, we are creatures who spend our lives trying to convince ourselves that our existence is not absurd.

In these challenging moments of dissonance, we need to stay curious and resist choosing comfort over courage. It’s brave to invite new information to the table, to sit with it and hear it out. It’s also rare these days.

While cognitive dissonance pushes us to resolve the tension of conflicting information, paradox challenges us to straddle the tension of two conflicting elements and recognize that they can both be true.

A paradox is the appearance of contradiction between two related components. Although light and darkness seem to be opposites, you can’t have one without the other—the opposing elements of a paradox are inextricably linked.

Vulnerability is the first thing we look for in other people, and the last thing we want to show them about ourselves.

We’re drawn to authentic, imperfect people, but we’re scared to let people see who we really are. I want to experience your vulnerability, but I don’t want to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is courage in you and inadequacy in me.

I’m drawn to your vulnerability but repelled by mine.

Undisciplined thinkers force debates into stark “Tyranny of the OR” choices; disciplined thinkers expand the conversation to create “Genius of the AND” solutions.

sarcasm is a particular type of irony in which the underlying message is normally meant to ridicule, tease, or criticize.

research showing that sarcasm is intended to be more hurtful than direct criticism.

Anguish is an almost unbearable and traumatic swirl of shock, incredulity, grief, and powerlessness.

The element of powerlessness is what makes anguish traumatic. We are unable to change, reverse, or negotiate what has happened.

We need hope like we need air.

Hope is a way of thinking—a cognitive process.

Hopelessness arises out of a combination of negative life events and negative thought patterns, particularly self-blame and the perceived inability to change our circumstances.

Setting realistic goals is a skill and a prerequisite for hope.

Sad people are less prone to judgmental errors, are more resistant to eye-witness distortions, are sometimes more motivated, and are more sensitive to social norms.

some scholars have speculated that one function of sadness is to cause the person to evaluate their life and consider making changes in their circumstances following a negative event, as well as to recruit help and support from others.

compassion includes action. It’s not just feeling, it’s doing.

Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity.

‘Near enemy’ is a useful Buddhist concept referring to a state of mind that appears similar to the desired state—hence it is ‘near’—but actually undermines it, which is why it’s an enemy.”

Pity sees them as different from ourselves. It sets up a separation between ourselves and others, a sense of distance and remoteness from the suffering of others that is affirming and gratifying to the self.

There’s nothing worse than feeling pitied, and we have the research to show us why it feels so isolating. Pity involves four elements: a belief that the suffering person is inferior; a passive, self-focused reaction that does not include providing help; a desire to maintain emotional distance; and avoidance of sharing in the other person’s suffering.

Cognitive empathy, sometimes called perspective taking or mentalizing, is the ability to recognize and understand another person’s emotions. Affective empathy, often called experience sharing, is one’s own emotional attunement with another person’s experience.

In simple terms, the empathy I’m talking about is understanding what someone is feeling, not feeling it for them.

We can respond empathically only if we are willing to be present to someone’s pain. If we’re not willing to do that, it’s not real empathy.

you’re connecting to how I feel so you can leverage my emotions, we shouldn’t call that empathy—it makes no sense. We should call that manipulation or exploitation. Language matters. Don’t use a word that has an almost universally positive connotation to describe a dangerous behavior that is hurtful. Use a word that issues a caution and demands accountability.

we can definitely consider sympathy the near enemy of empathy.

Sympathy can even be a trigger for shame, which we will discuss in the next chapter.

Sympathy and pity are first cousins.

The minute I try to put myself in your place rather than try to understand the situation from your perspective, our empathic connection unravels.

compassion fatigue. This is a term used to refer to the emotional exhaustion or burnout that can occur among caregivers.

In this view, the more appropriate term, rather than “compassion fatigue,” might be “empathic distress fatigue.” We’re not hearing the story, we’re inserting ourselves in the story.

Empathy is not relating to an experience, it’s connecting to what someone is feeling about an experience.

Boundaries are a prerequisite for compassion and empathy. We can’t connect with someone unless we’re clear about where we end and they begin.

how impossible it is to be compassionate to myself or others when people are taking advantage of me and when I’m prioritizing being liked over being free, I was much sweeter but less authentic. Now I’m kinder and less judgmental. But also firmer and more solid. Occasionally salty.

Shame—I am bad. The focus is on self, not behavior.

Shame is not a driver of positive change.

Guilt—I did something bad. The focus is on behavior.

It can drive positive change and behavior.

This left me feeling unworthy of connection and disgusted with myself.

With shame, we believe that we deserve our sense of unworthiness. With humiliation, we don’t feel we deserve it.

I did something that made me uncomfortable, but I know I’m not alone. Everyone does these kinds of things. Embarrassment is fleeting, sometimes funny.