Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience

by Brené Brown

Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.

exercise, meditation, and alone time.

Comparison is actually not an emotion, but it drives all sorts of big feelings that can affect our relationships and our self-worth. More often than not, social comparison falls outside of our awareness—we don’t even know we’re doing

All of the experiences in this section are connected to comparison, and the goal is to raise our awareness about how and why they happen so we can name them, think about them, and make choices that reflect our values and our heart.

They describe how we use comparison not only to evaluate past and current outcomes, but to predict future prospects. This means significant parts of our lives, including our future, are shaped by comparing ourselves to others.

Comparison is a creativity killer, among other things.

Comparison is the crush of conformity from one side and competition from the other—it’s trying to simultaneously fit in and stand out.

Comparison says, “Be like everyone else, but better.”

When we compare, we want to be the best or have the best of our group. The comparison mandate becomes this crushing paradox of “Fit in and stand out!” It’s not be yourself and respect others for being authentic, it’s “Fit in, but win.” I want to swim the same workout as you, and beat you at it.

The direction of the comparison doesn’t guarantee the direction of the outcome. Both types of social comparison can result in negative and positive effects.”

Most of us assume that upward comparisons always leave us feeling “not enough” and downward comparisons make us feel “better than.”

Upward comparisons can inspire or demoralize us, whereas downward comparisons can make us feel superior or depress us.

frequent social comparisons are not associated with life satisfaction or the positive emotions of love and joy but are associated with the negative emotions of fear, anger, shame, and sadness.”

These are important findings because, regardless of the different outcomes, in the end, comparing ourselves to others leads us...

The grass actually does look greener on the other side, but that means nothing comparatively because it’s all perspective.

The more we know, the more we can choose connection over comparison.

Envy occurs when we want something that another person has.

Jealousy is when we fear losing a relationship or a valued part of a relationship that we already have.

Envy typically involves two people and occurs when one lacks something enjoyed by another.

Jealousy typically involves three people and occurs when one fears losing someone to another person.

Jealousy doesn’t seem to be a singular emotion but rather a cognitive evaluation in response to feeling anger, sadness, and/or fear. In other words, we think jealousy in response to how we feel.

We might feel anger, or sadness, or fear, but what goes through our mind is that we are jealous.

understanding the nuances of that language can help us ask ourselves the right questions when we’re experiencing jealousy or envy. If we’re feeling afraid or sad or angry or we’re deep in “coveting mode”—we have the tools now to ask ourselves: Am I fearful of losing something I value to another person, or do I want something someone else has?

If you want to know what’s likely to trigger shame for you, just fill in this sentence stem: It’s really important for me not to be perceived as ________________.

Your lack of work is not making me resentful, my lack of rest is making me resentful.

What do I need but am afraid to ask for?

Resentment is the feeling of frustration, judgment, anger, “better than,” and/or hidden envy related to perceived unfairness or injustice. It’s an emotion that we often experience when we fail to set boundaries or ask for what we need, or when expectations let us down because they were based on things we can’t control, like what other people think, what they feel, or how they’re going to react.

the case of “schadenfreude,” it simply means pleasure or joy derived from someone else’s suffering or misfortune.

Taking pleasure in someone else’s failings, even if that person is someone we really dislike, can violate our values and lead to feelings of guilt and shame.

it’s the enjoyment of another’s success. It’s also a subset of empathy.

Disappointment is unmet expectations. The more significant the expectations, the more significant the disappointment.

With disappointment, it always starts with expectations.

When we develop expectations, we paint a picture in our head of how things are going to be and how they’re going to look.

That picture we paint in our minds holds great value for us. We set expectations based not only on how we fit in that picture, but also on what those around us are doing in that picture.

This means that our expectations are often set on outcomes totally beyond our control, like what other people think, what they feel, or how they’re going to react. The movie in our mind is wonderful, but no one el...

“If you’re not asking for what’s important to you, maybe it’s because you don’t think you are worth it.”

Communicating our expectations is brave and vulnerable. And it builds meaningful connection and often leads to having a partner or friend who we can reality-check with.

When someone shares their hopes and dreams with us, we are witnessing deep courage and vulnerability. Celebrating their successes is easy, but when disappointment happens, it’s an incredible opportunity for meaningful connection.

There are too many people in the world today who decide to live disappointed rather than risk feeling disappointment.

we more often regret the actions we didn’t take—what we didn’t do—and we think of those as missed opportunities.

One reason we may avoid regret is the fact that it can be accompanied by an element of self-blame and even guilt.

Regrets about not taking chances have made me braver. Regrets about shaming or blaming people I care about have made me more thoughtful.

with frustration, we don’t think we can fix the situation, while with anger, we feel there is something we can do.

We aren’t curious about something we are unaware of or know nothing about.

Curiosity doesn’t exist without interest, but we can be interested and not have our interest grow to curiosity.

An increasing number of researchers believe that curiosity and knowledge building grow together—the more we know, the more we want to know.

We can think of surprise as “a bridge between cognition and emotion.”

acknowledging uncertainty is a function of grounded confidence,

But memories, like witnesses, do not always tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We need to cross-examine them, recognizing and accepting the inconsistencies and gaps in those that make us proud and happy as well as those that cause us pain.

feeling nostalgic involves putting ourselves at the center of a story in which we’re reminiscing about people we are close to or about important events in our lives. Interestingly, nostalgia is more likely to be triggered by negative moods, like loneliness, and by our struggles to find meaning in our current lives.