He Who Fights with Monsters 4 (He Who Fights with Monsters, #4)

by Shirtaloon

“Mr Asano, as I do not possess eyebrows, I shall require you to imagine me with a pair in order that I might give you a flat look from beneath them.”

“You’re a sly one, Ian Evans,” she said. “I had to be, to get the best woman in the world to agree to marry me.” “Charmer.” “Sadly, she died and I had to settle, so you lucked into all this,” he said, gesturing up and down his body.

Jason’s phone rang with a number he didn’t recognise, but he answered it anyway. “Johnson Deli, where we give you the big sausage,” Jason answered, earning an odd look from Taika.

Three of Shade’s bodies emerged from Jason’s shadow to take the form of robust dirt bikes, naturally all in black. “I don’t know how to ride this,” Farrah said as Jason mounted up. “Do not be concerned, Miss Hurin,” Shade said. “Straddle me firmly and I will take good care of you.” “Shade,” Jason admonished. “Time and place.” “Mr Asano, that level of innuendo is beneath you. Or, at the very least, it should be.” “Fair point,” Jason said. “That was low humour and we need to focus on the job at hand. Farrah, go ahead and put Shade’s throbbing machine between your legs.”

“Friendship,” Jason continued, “is having people to share the best and the worst days of your life with. Friendship is knowing there will be someone you can rely on, no matter what. Friendship can let you travel back in time.” “What?” Asya asked.

“Wait,” Jason said, frowning. “That last one might just be Final Fantasy VIII.”

“Very small isn’t nothing,” Jason said. “We’re totally going to save the universe, which will totally get me some action. I’ll be all ‘hey, ladies, I’m the guy who saved the universe,’ and they’ll be all ‘that sounds like hot nonsense, but you’re way better looking than Kaito, so let’s make out.’ Then I’ll be all ‘I can’t do that; I respect women,’ and they’ll be all ‘it’s totally our choice.’ Since I’m all about female agency, I have to go along with it at that point because it’s the feminist thing to do, so we’ll go the supermarket and buy all the whipped cream…”

“It'll be fine,” Jason said. “I'm great at fighting evil. I mean, did I hurt the bad guy? No. Did he kill me? Yes, he did. But we won! Will I get credit? Probably not. All the women will be like ‘hey, Humphrey, your shoulders are obviously so large because of a glandular condition, but we’re totally into that.’ Then Humphrey will be all ‘sorry, gaggle of women, but I have to mourn my even more handsome friend,’ and they’ll be all ‘hey, we’re super ready to comfort you,’ and he’ll be all ‘well, I suppose my handsome friend did show me how to whip cream.’ Then they’ll go off to a local purveyor of dairy goods and—”