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“You are the madness he creates. You are the great fish. But Calder”—she shivers—“he’s the ocean, and he’ll swallow everyone whole. This is the last time I will speak his name. Because to say it calls to evil. But you are wrong. Death isn’t waiting for Calder. It’s listening for his instruction.”
“It was all worth it. You are mine, and I am yours.”
There is no me without him. No world I’d be forced to exist in without him in it. The thought is unbearable. Physically fucking unbearable.
I keep screaming because it’s a herald’s cry. I hope the heavens fall to earth and the devil rises to imprison it here. Because there are no stars and no purpose. Without Calder, nothing exists.
We were perfect. All the beauty of beginnings and him—the possibility of love.
my skin. That’s how unbearable life feels without him.” My voice cracks as it begins to tremble. “And no matter how strong I try to be, sorrow is fucking drowning me. It won’t let me breathe, so I dig my nails into my neck and try to tear myself apart.”
“The absence of him makes death favorable when I’m fucking weak.”
“Don’t you dare speak that filth’s name ever again. He. Is. Dead. And may he burn in hell.”
I will rip your throat out with my bare teeth, bitch. If I was fictional.
“One day, everything you’ve built will burn to the fucking ground. And I’ll be there to strike the match.”
A part of me is scared that the longer I’m here, the harder it will get to find him when I close my eyes.
I need to hear that my life isn’t fucking over—that the man I love is alive.
“It’s as if he was never here. Calder doesn’t exist in St. Simeon anymore. He’s a ghost.”
“She was wrong about you, you know. One look and I can see that you’d never roll over. There’s a fire burning behind those pretty green eyes. It’s a shame he can’t keep you. Because you, girl, might be the most dangerous fucking creature I’ve met.”
“The day Calder comes will be everyone’s reckoning. And I won’t even pray for your souls.”
“There it is…that fire. The anger. But I still can’t tell if you’re a scared little animal backed into a corner? Or a wolf ready to eat?”
I do love him so much that even now, here, faced with a gun, I can’t lie. I will never stop loving him. It’s impossible, like it’s woven into my DNA.
“You don’t have to make him believe a lie. He just needs to see that love isn’t enough to make the nightmares go away.”
“Sweetheart, this wasn’t me. This is your fault. This will break him because how many people have to die for your love?”
People grab at my wrists, yelling, trying to calm me. But I don’t care because I’m already dead. A part of me died right there on that floor with Calder. And the other died today. We’ll never run away. There won’t be stars or blue skies filled with heavens staring down on us. All we have is death and destruction. A life sentence, forced to survive within the absence of our love.
“I heard her whisper my name. I know she’s not dead. I’ve been chasing her voice back here from hell. Because no-fucking-body keeps me from her.”
“Then let her be damned, God, because I told you. Not even you can have her.”
This moment will leave an indelible mark. One branded on our hearts, turning the memories of our first kiss into ash and our touches into regret. Because today is when I condemn us to hell.
West is dead. So it’s fitting our love should die too.
This is it. Our end. The last line in the book that will linger, leaving its mark on my heart forever.
“You gotta let it hurt, C. I got you. I got you. You can let it hurt.”
“Pops put a bullet in his head because West protected you. But his death isn’t your fault, C. You can’t carry that. This life ate him up, but seeing you and her together—that was what he talked about all the time when you weren’t around. It’s like he never knew people like us could be loved like that. He saw the change in you. We both did. That is what you gave him, not death. So don’t you fucking dare turn your back on him now. He wanted you to live, C. You gotta do that for him. Swear to me, Calder. I fucking mean it. You don’t let his death be in vain.”
Sibling death just guts me every time
“I’ll make every single one of them pay, Roman. They’ll suffer for what they’ve done to West and to us. I swear that to you.”
“Let’s get you to your girl. Because everything after this is gonna be a fight.” Those words echoed from before fill me with purpose. I know exactly what I need to do because nobody will ever take another person I love again. If death and destruction are my destiny, then I’m ready.
“I’m gonna end this, Roman. For all of us. But I’m gonna kill them all for her.”
If I ever deserved any goodness, God…give it all to her.
“He’ll find no peace in this life or after. I promise you that.”
“I’m sorry. I’m just so sorry. I’m a curse.”
“I love you, Sutton. You’re my magic. My forever, baby. Don’t take that away from me.”
My mouth seals over hers, holding still, only for a moment, letting the divinity of her taste fill my body like my communion as her tongue dips inside my mouth.
This is heaven. And she’s the only version I’ll ever want.
“You’re always mine, baby. Even in goodbye.”
“You’re my home, Sutton,” I whisper, slowly pulling back. I put my hands over hers and look into her eyes. “And I’ll always come back. But we can’t have magic and forever until I make the rules. Until I’m king.”
Our eyes stay locked as I watch the girl I love trying to become the woman she’ll need to be.
“I would wade through hell to be with you, Calder. No matter how long it takes.”
This beautiful fucking girl is stronger than she’ll ever know. Everything I do for the rest of my fucking life will always be for her. “And if we only had tonight—” she breathes. I push her hand out of the way, grabbing her lip, and tug her mouth to mine, kissing the fuck out of her. “Then it would be worth it.”
“How am I going to exist without you?” Calder gently grips my jaw, bringing my face to his, our eyes locked. “You don’t. There is no fucking difference between where I begin and you end. Not now, not ever. So we’ll do what we have to so that we survive until we’re together again.”
“It doesn’t fucking matter what happens in the in-between, Sutton. Because I’ve seen the world without you, baby.” His eyes meet mine. “And on my fucking life, we won’t die before I know it with you again.”
“You told me once that this moon was a curse. You remember that?” I smile weakly, biting my bottom lip, and I glance over as he continues. “But I don’t think it is. I think its magic is only for us. It was waiting for us to find each other. That’s why it felt unlucky before.”
“I vow to always love you above all others. No matter what.”
“I will always protect you, even with my life.”
“I promise to die by your side when we’re wrinkly and fucking gray. So that we’ll never be apart again.” My hands grip his forearms to give me the strength not to fall to my knees as I stare up into his eyes. “And I promise to love you even after death.” His lips come to mine, breathing his words against them, leaving them to burn into my heart. “I’m yours. And you are mine. Not even death does us part.” “Forever,” I whisper back, leaning into his kiss. But this isn’t just a kiss. It’s the consecration of our love—our vows. A declaration to the universe that we’re fated and nothing can keep us
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Soul mate would be the easy word, but what I feel is deeper. I recognize my soul in her. Like it’s split between us, and we’re only whole when we’re together.
“Tonight, we do it all. I’m gonna touch, lick, and fuck every part of you, Sutton. You want stars, then I’ll make you see ’em.”
“Fuck. Do you feel that?” I groan. “You’re fucking soaked and throbbing. Do you know how hard it fucking makes me knowing that your pussy begs for me?”
He’s hovered over me, staring so intensely into my eyes that it feels like we’re sucked into an alternate universe where only we exist.
