More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Nic Saluppo
Effective communication with your partner can support and improve your mental health. Conversely, having fights, explosions, and holding in your feelings when it comes to your relationship will drain and diminish your mental health.
Healthy communication with your partner optimizes your overall mental and emotional wellness.
When you have bitterness or resentment toward anybody, it’s not good for your mental health.
Why can’t things go back to how they used to be? Because now, a plethora of feelings are involved. Before, the only feeling involved was happiness, but anger, frustration, and hurt feelings have entered the building. When those feelings are swept under the rug, you’ll feel those emotions more and more often, eventually feeling resentful and bitter toward your partner at least half of the time, if not most of the time.
One of the primary keys is to stop shoving your feelings down. Instead, bring them up into the light, and directly communicate them. This is the best possible thing that could happen for your relationship, because holding them in creates a breeding ground of resentment toward your partner.
In my early dating experiences, I didn’t even try. “You never share your feelings” was something I heard often from my first girlfriend. I received a lot of similar feedback throughout high school and the first few years of college. I had a change of heart during my senior year in college, beginning to see that the concept of communication made sense. So, I gave it a try. And, boy, did I try. Just ask the people I dated. (Actually, please don’t.)
Yet, for so many, talking about feelings remains a process of escalation and explosiveness. If you hold your feelings in, that still applies to you. Maybe you’re not exploding at someone externally, but there’s turbulence happening inside.
The crush-the-other-person style of communication creates resentment, which eats away at relationships like a parasite.
Finally, not saying anything at all is its own type of language. Saying nothing and avoiding conversation communicates something. If you’re prone to avoidance, this section will help you gain the confidence you need to proactively engage in difficult conversations.
Communication Technique #1 “When”
Instead of saying “Always . . .” or “Never . . .” say, “When . . .”
When you tell someone they always do something or never do something, what’s the response you’re going to get? Defensiveness and arguing. Every. Single. Time.
Rather, what you really mean when using always and never is something like, “I feel so frustrated when I see your dirty clothes on the floor. I’d like you to consider that I’m the one who picks them up, which I don’t like doing. Would you be willing to help me out by making sure your clothes make it into the laundry basket?”
What can you say instead of using absolute terms? First, it’s more useful to simply state that you’re feeling frustrated.
Simply, “I feel frustrated.” This ensures your feeling of frustration will not convolute what you say next. When you don’t directly communicate it, your frustration is going to come out in other ways. Usually, those other ways are unconscious and unhealthy. It’s okay to feel frustrated. It’s not okay to be mean, rude, or disrespectful when you feel frustrated.
Second, use the term when. “When you leave your clothes on the floor, I feel upset.” This is not an insult or an accusation. It’s in the same category as, “When I put on a sweater, I feel warm.” There’s nothing to debate, argue, or defend. It’s simply your experience of the situation.
*Note: If your partner consistently refuses reasonable requests made in a respectful tone, it may be time to institute boundaries. This will be covered in Part IV: Responding to Your Partner’s Feelings.
Keys to Remember Directly state that you’re frustrated so it doesn’t unconsciously toxify your communication. “I feel frustrated.” It’s that simple. It’s okay to feel frustrated. What’s not okay is when your frustration leads to mean, rude, and disrespectful communication. Instead of saying “You always/never do such and such,” use the term when. “When you don’t make the bed at all during the week, I feel upset.” Go for the Big Ask. “I’ve been the one making the bed each day. Would you be willing to make it on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays?” When you go for the Big Ask, use a
...more
Communication Technique #2 “I Would Like”
“Used to indicate obligation, duty, or correctness, typically when criticizing someone's actions.” Did you get that? Criticizing.
When you should on yourself, you’re criticizing yourself. When you should on your partner, it’s a criticism in disguise. That’s why shoulding is a play on the word $hi#ing.
Use of the word should in our society is so widespread, we assume it’s healthy and okay. In reality, it’s a culturally accepted form of slighting, insulting, or criticizing someone.
You might say, “No, I never told them there was something wrong with them.” I hear you. I do. It’s understood you never directly said that. It’s not your intention to tell them something is wrong with them. However, whether you intend it or not, when you use the word should, you’re communicating that something is wrong with your partner if they don’t agree with whatever it is your “should” pertains to.
Second, replace the word should with the phrase, “I would like . . .” Let’s go through several examples to drive this concept home.
“I know it’s a little bit of an effort to learn a different way of folding, but would you be willing to try it out?”
However, if having your clothes folded a certain way is extremely important, then be sure to a) own the fact that this is a personal desire and not a universal expectation across all people, and b) make your request as gently as possible. Although these two suggestions won’t guarantee your partner will be willing to fulfill your request, it does increase the odds.
“I personally don’t like it when there are dishes in the sink, but I understand this isn’t necessarily your personal preference. I would like us to work something out in that area.”
Acknowledging that your and your partner’s preferences are simply that—preferences—sets the tone for a team approach and a useful discussion.
“I’d like to talk about why I’m frustrated. Are you willing to hear me out?”
Remember, your goal isn’t to “win,” it’s to engage in an effective conversation. Whenever either individual wins at the expense of the other partner, the relationship as a whole loses. If the relationship as a whole loses, then you lose, too. Therefore, begin thinking in terms of what’s best for your relationship as opposed to how you can get the upper hand on your partner.
Keys to Remember The terms “should” and “shouldn’t” are insults in disguise. When speaking to your partner, completely remove these terms from your vocabulary. Instead of using the term should, say, “I would like . . .” This is an effective approach because it removes the insult while keeping your desire in place.
Communication Technique #3 “I Feel Angry”
What you need to know is it’s okay to feel angry and frustrated. You’re allowed to feel that way. What’s not okay is to express those feelings in the form of name-calling and insults.
Here’s the thing: You’re going to feel anger and frustration toward your partner from time to time. That’s normal.
It is normal to be upset and feel angry at your partner
When you’re angry at your partner, simply say this: “I feel angry.”
When I used to think about communicating, I thought being a wordsmith would convince my partner to see and understand my views. I would use logic to clearly explain how her views were wrong and mine were right. Of course, my intent was to shoot down her point of view and hold up my own. Problem solved! Except, it doesn’t work that way. It never worked. Zero is precisely the number of times it worked. Your partner needs their perspective acknowledged and validated, not obliterated.
With this in mind, don’t tell a person they shouldn’t feel the way they do. Instead, validate their feelings and ask if they’d be willing to discuss the reasons for those feelings.
“That’s how I feel. And before we can discuss different perspectives, I’m asking you to acknowledge that I do feel angry. You don’t have to agree with my reasons for feeling angry, but I do need you to acknowledge that it’s the way I’m feeling right now.”
Of course, since I was the one who took time away from the conversation, I also took responsibility for reengaging in the conversation once I was ready. It’s not my wife’s duty to come find me to finish the conversation if I was the one who wanted to step away.
The person who walks away needs to be the one who comes back
If you need a break, take it. Since you’re the one taking a break from the conversation, it’s your responsibility to seek your partner out to finish the discussion later. It’s not your partner’s responsibility to come back to you to discuss the topic when you were the one who took a break.
Keys to Remember Avoid name-calling and insults, as they lead to intensified arguing. If you’re feeling angry, directly state, “I feel angry.” This is concise and clear. It avoids manifesting your anger in the form of insults, names, or sarcasm. If you’re so angry or frustrated that you become overwhelmed, step away for a moment. Take responsibility for seeking your partner out to continue the conversation once you’ve calmed down.
Communication Technique #4 “This is Challenging for Me”
“Let me ask you this,” I say. “Does your mind run wild sometimes? Do you experience what seems like a flurry or even an avalanche of thoughts that cycle around and around?”
“Well, these thoughts, they come in the form of images and words, right?”
“So, you are verbal. There are words flowing through your mind. There are also images flowing through your mind, and if you were to think about those images, you would use words to describe them.”
“You can see, then, that you are verbal. It’s just that you don’t verbalize.”
You may not have realized that communicating your feelings and concerns is your responsibility. It’s not your partner’s job to bring that out of you, but it is their job to not judge or shame you when you do it.
I acknowledge that this is my partner but also me because I fear being shamed and judged for my feelings. I fall into the catch-22 area
“I want to say something, but this is challenging for me.” Now, you’ve opened the door to a discussion. This is a huge step, and infinitely better than avoiding the subject completely.
There will never be a right time to communicate about hard things. This entire line of thinking is a fallacy because it’s not the right time you’re actually waiting for. Please read that again: You’re not actually waiting for the right time. What you are waiting on is the fear and anxiety about communicating to go away. It won’t. That’s why so many people end up waiting and waiting. Before you know it, you’ve waited too long and the relationship has self-destructed. Or you find yourself in a situation you never intended to get yourself into, such as being with someone you’re not compatible
...more
Keys to Remember Saying nothing at all and avoiding communication is toxic. Let your partner know you want to communicate your feelings, but it’s challenging for you. Don’t allow your partner to invalidate your feelings. Communicating your feelings is your responsibility, not your partner’s. Likewise, it’s your partner’s responsibility to communicate their feelings, not yours. You have a lot to say, you’re just not verbalizing it.
