Communicate Your Feelings (without starting a fight): What to Say and What Not to Say to Your Partner (Mental & Emotional Wellness Book 1)

by Nic Saluppo

Therefore, be willing to tolerate feelings of guilt for the overall good of the relationship.

Keys to Remember Don’t fight disrespect with more disrespect. Instead, calmly and assertively use boundaries. When utilizing boundaries, avoid requests and threats. Use the 3-step boundary setting process: Identify the disrespectful behavior. State what you’ll do if that behavior is repeated. Follow through on what you said you would do. You might be uncomfortable with following through, but discomfort doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong.

Communication Technique #12 “I’m Happy You Want to Improve”

Truth: Every relationship has weaknesses and areas of growth. It’s false to believe that people have healthy relationships without any effort.

You can interpret them bringing up areas of growth as criticism if you want—you’re absolutely free to do that—but your relationship is going to suffer as a result.

Say something like, “I want to hear what you have to say about communicating, but I’m not going to sit here and let you insult me and yell at me. Tell me what you want to say in a respectful way and I’ll be willing to listen and discuss this topic.”

“There are so many things I love about you. I want us to grow even closer together. For me, the way you communicate isn’t working, and I’d like to have a discussion about that.”

Instead, view it like this: I’m great in some areas and need to grow in other areas.

Building off of this, when your partner brings up an area of growth for you in the relationship, you don’t view it as simply an area of growth; instead, you understand it to mean that you are completely flawed. She’s saying I’m a terrible husband! Um, hi. No, she’s not. She’s discussing one specific area, not your entire personhood. It’s not an either/or situation; rather, a both/and scenario.

If your partner has areas they want you to grow in, I encourage you to be open to those areas. If you don’t like the way they bring it up, address the fact that you didn’t like the way they brought it up, but don’t discount the issue they were trying to address.

Keys to Remember Don’t view your partner bringing up growth areas as a personal attack. Instead, view it as them wanting to improve the relationship, which also benefits you. If you don’t like how they’re bringing the issue up (e.g., being disrespectful), address the disrespect while staying open to examining the actual issue they’re bringing up. Constant defensiveness and an unwillingness to acknowledge your areas of growth will lead to slow-roasting your relationship to death. Having an area of growth doesn’t mean all of you is terrible, so be careful not to fall into that type of dysfunctional thinking. Your relationship is just like every other relationship that ever existed—it requires growth from both yourself and your partner.

Communication Technique #13 Examine Both Sides

Placing blame is a great defense mechanism because a) it gives you a rationale for remaining angry about a situation, while b) not having to ask what your role was in the situation.

The point is this: Take time to examine your role in creating unpleasant, painful situations. If your partner becomes defensive when you bring up areas of growth, don’t immediately blame them. Ask yourself if you brought the topic up respectfully. When you find yourself in the middle of an argument with your partner, ask how you arrived there. Maybe you chose to meet disrespect with more disrespect instead of setting a boundary where one needed to be set.

Being an adult means examining your role when problems arise. Many of us were raised to never deal with emotions, so addressing them in an adult relationship is uncomfortable. However, it’s a necessary part of an overall healthy relationship. The next time something comes up, notice the story you tell yourself about your and your partner’s emotions pertaining to the issue. By noticing the story in your mind, you can name it. From there, you’ll be more capable of having a productive conversation instead of acting on the old story that talking through issues involving emotions is always a bad thing.

Keys to Remember Blame is a defense mechanism that keeps you angry while preventing you from examining your role in a problem. Holding yourself and your partner mutually accountable ensures both people are responsible for their words and actions. When you find yourself in an argument, pause and ask how you got there. Taking responsibility for your role in a situation—instead of solely blaming your partner—is essential in mature adult relationships.

Adult Relationship Skills Build Trust and Deepen Connection with Your Partner