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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Nic Saluppo
I have this idea in my mind that you don’t care about me. I’m feeling sad and afraid about that. I’m not saying it’s necessarily true, but it’s what I experience when you say X and do Y.
My therapist also uses “I’m telling myself the story that…”
Here’s a list of the unpleasant feelings you may experience: Fear/Terror Anger/Rage Anxiety/Worry Sadness/Grief Frustration Shame/Guilt Embarrassment/Humiliation Similarly, here’s a list of the pleasant feelings you may experience: Happiness Joy Gladness Peace Excitement
What about rejection and betrayal? Those are descriptive words of feelings. Remember, a feeling takes place physiologically.
“I think you don’t care about me and I feel sad about that.”
If your partner says you shouldn’t feel that way, respond with, “I’m expressing my thoughts and feelings. I’ve taken ownership of what I’m experiencing. I haven’t attacked or blamed you for the way I feel. I haven’t been rude or mean to you. I’m open to discussing both of our perspectives so we can come to a mutual understanding. What I’m not open to is you telling me how I should or shouldn’t feel.”
“I’m going to share my perspective and experience. I’m not saying you have to agree with my reasons for it—I’ll be open to discussing those. However, I do firmly ask that you respect my feelings—don’t tell me how I should or shouldn’t feel.”
The Gottman Institute refers to this method as a soft startup. Essentially, it’s a technique that prepares your partner for what you’re about to say instead of laying it on them with no warning.
“When you leave without hugging me, I get the sense you don’t care about me and I feel sad about that.”
Keys to Remember Jumbling thoughts and feelings while trying to communicate with your partner can set you up for a fight. Thoughts are not feelings, and feelings are not thoughts. A thought is something you think in the form of words or images. A feeling is a physiological sensation in your body. Use the formula [I think X] + [I feel Y about that].
Communication Technique #6 “I Feel”
You’re giving away your power when you say something made you feel.”
I had three realizations. My dating partners weren’t making me feel things, whether it be anger, frustration, fear, anxiety, shame, or sadness. By saying, “You made me angry,” I was blaming them for my feelings. (Replace angry with any feeling.) By insisting on saying made or makes me feel, I was eliminating any possibility of emotional stability from my life.
If the feeling is taking place within me, it’s mine. You can put a wrench in a toolbox or a ring in a jewelry box, but you cannot put feelings inside of someone else.
Before moving ahead, it’s vital you grasp this concept. Do you see how feelings of anger, sadness, and frustration already existed in me from my childhood, and my girlfriend canceling plans reminded me of them, but didn’t create them?
By insisting on saying made or makes me feel, I was eliminating any possibility of emotional stability from my life.
Emotional stability is only possible when you take responsibility for your feelings. We want to see people take responsibility in our society, yet who among us is modeling responsibility for our own feelings?
If someone says, “I’m sorry I made you feel upset,” don’t accept that apology. It may be well-intended, but the underlying message is: “I have the power to control your emotional state.”
Accept an apology when someone takes responsibility for their actions, not for how they “made” you feel.
“I’m sorry I said mean things to you. That was wrong of me,” is an acceptable apology because the person is taking responsibility for...
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What’s the underlying message of “You make me so angry?” It’s: “I have no personal power over my emotional state because I’ve given that power to you.”
However, how you feel is not their responsibility. To be clear, a good partner will care about how you feel and work through it with you.
If you want to get fancy, you can use this formula: When [X], I feel [Y]. Here are a few examples: When [you call me dumb], I feel [angry and sad]. When [you say you’re going to be there and aren’t], I feel [frustrated]. When [you tease me in front of others], I feel [embarrassed and mad]. Add your own here: When [X], I feel [Y].
Communication Technique #7 “I Was Wrong”
Remember, satisfying communication can only take place when both parties take self-ownership.
“I was wrong, and I’m sorry.”
Stating you were wrong is vital when it comes to re-establishing trust. Without this acknowledgment, the other person might accept your apology, but how will they know you understand what you did was wrong?
Until your partner knows you understand what you did was wrong, it will be difficult for them to trust you again, and rightfully so.
Why would you trust someone who can’t acknowledge their wrong or hurtful actions?
People with unresolved shame and other emotional wounds from childhood tend to think admitting wrongdoing means they need to go and spend the rest of their lives curled up in a hole in the ground.
Back to the larger subject at hand: The more often you make a mistake without acknowledging fault, the wider the gap of trust grows.
said, “You know, if you can’t come to me and tell me when you’re upset, we might be getting a divorce in a year.” What I meant was that I feared we would become unhappy and miserable due to a lack of communication, but the way I expressed that fear was by implying we might end up divorcing. #BigMistake
Keys to Remember When you’ve done or said something hurtful, say, “I was wrong.” Without acknowledging you were wrong, it’s not realistic to expect your partner to trust you again. Remember, trust is not the same as forgiveness.
Communication Technique #8 “I Apologize” “I’m Sorry”
Communication Technique #9 “It’s Great You’re Letting This Out”
Communication Technique #10 Let Them Be Upset with You
Conversely, saying, “You can be upset and angry with me for as long as you want,” works because it acknowledges and validates their right to feel as they do. Once they know you aren’t trying to take away their right to feel as they do, they’ll be more willing to process their feelings and work with you toward a resolution.
What you want is for your partner to be in a place of processing their feelings and asking useful questions of both you and themselves, such as: Why do I feel this way? What was going through your head when this happened? What was your intention? Have I ever felt this way before—while growing up, or in another relationship? How can I express and work through these feelings in a healthy way?
Keys to Remember When your partner is upset with you, avoid trying to convince them not to be upset. They are allowed to feel how they feel. The sooner you stop telling them to not feel the way they do, the sooner your partner will begin working through the problem. An immediate shift from upset emotions regarding something hurtful you’ve said or done to being over it does neither you nor the relationship any favors. Those emotions will come back later, so it’s better to process them now.
Communication Technique #11 Set a Boundary
A boundary is always something you control. Always. “Stop calling me a fu*k up!” is not a boundary. Neither is, “I don’t like when you throw things and I’m asking you to stop,” nor, “You better not do that again, or else!” I can’t tell you how many times I hear, “I set a boundary but it didn’t work because the person didn’t listen.” Boundaries work every time. That’s right—there’s a 100% success rate. Unknowingly, people are describing an unfulfilled request or a threat, not a boundary. Boundaries are not threats, demands, or requests.
“If you yell at me again, I’m removing myself from this conversation.” That’s not a request, it’s a boundary.
It’s not about controlling the other person, it’s about deciding what you are and aren’t willing to live with.
My wife and I were eating at a restaurant. She was in a negative mood and was being snippy and disrespectful in her conversation with me. I mentioned it once, but she kept on. The next time it happened, I got up and said, “I’m leaving. I’m not sitting here while you talk like that.” I didn’t wait for her permission or approval; I simply turned and began heading out.
She said, “I’m removing myself from this situation,” then proceeded to walk out of the bathroom without waiting for me to give approval or permission. In this case, I wasn’t directing my anger at her; however, she had a right to choose to not be around me when I was in such an unpleasant mood.
In your relationship, it’s vital you mutually agree with your partner that disrespect, name-calling, and insults have no place in your interactions. With that being said, mistakes will inevitably be made. When a mistake is made, let there be a mutual understanding that a boundary will be set, neither partner allowing themselves to just stand there and take it while the other behaves in unhealthy ways.
You may not like it, but it’s healthy and good for the overall relationship that they’re not accepting your disrespect and rudeness. It might hurt your ego, but it’s a good thing for the health of the relationship.
I urge you to not use these statements as a way to control their behavior. If they decide to change as a result of you setting boundaries, that’s a nice bonus. But don’t expect it. You’re doing it for yourself because you’ve decided what you are and aren’t willing to live with. Only use this technique when you fully intend to follow through.
A person’s feelings are not your responsibility.
Hold them responsible for their words and actions, not for how you feel about their words and actions. Let them hold you responsible for your words and actions, but not for how they feel about your words and actions.
One tip here is to ensure the consequence matches the behavior. For example, removing yourself for an hour matches a raised voice, but moving out would be over the top. On the other hand, moving out for three months matches glass being thrown and shattered in dangerous proximity to you, while removing yourself for an hour is far too small a consequence.
