The Fine Art of Small Talk: How to Start a Conversation, Keep It Going, Build Networking Skills -- and Leave a Positive Impression!

by Debra Fine

acquiring conversation skills wasn’t rocket science. I convinced myself it couldn’t be that tough or I wouldn’t see so many people doing it so well. I made it my goal to figure out how to keep a conversation going for longer than five minutes.

there were lots of talented, educated, wonderful people in the world who are incredibly shy.

The first step is to let go of the idea that we are all somehow supposed to know how to converse with strangers and acquaintances.

We become better conversationalists when we employ two primary objectives. Number one: Take the risk. It is up to us to take the risk of starting a conversation with a stranger. We cannot hope that others will approach us; instead, even if we are shy, it is up to us to make the first move.

Number two: Assume the burden. It is up to each and every one of us to assume the burden of conversation. It is our responsibility to come up with topics to discuss; it is up to us to remember people’s names and to introduce them to others; it is up to us to relieve the awkward moments or fill the pregnant pause.

Always begin and end your business conversation with small talk to humanize the relationship.

A good conversationalist frequently evokes the positive feelings that people long to have, and the reality is that buyers’ choices about where to spend their money are influenced by the presence or absence of rapport.

You’ll recognize the most repeated question in parenting—How was school?—as a conversation killer.

To expand your circle of friends and colleagues, you must start engaging strangers and acquaintances in conversation. There is no other way.

Times have changed. People expect you to mingle on your own, introduce yourself, and take the initiative to get acquainted.

As Babe Ruth said, “Don’t let the fear of striking out get in your way.”

Spare yourself some pain and forget the adage that silence is golden.

It had never occurred to me that shyness could be mistaken for arrogance. While shyness and arrogance are worlds apart, the visible manifestation of each can appear the same.

You have to take the initiative. Don’t spend another minute thinking that if you just keep waiting, interesting people will introduce themselves. It’s never going to happen.

“Go out on a limb. That’s where all the fruit is.” Although it might be scary to climb out from the safety of the trunk, you’ll rarely pluck the sweet fruit by waiting there.

Fear of rejection keeps many of us from risking conversation, but the probability of rejection is actually quite small. In the unlikely event that your efforts are unappreciated, remember that it’s doubtful you’ll ever see that person again.

You cannot rely on the other person to carry the conversation for you—a monologue is a chore and seldom very interesting.

The first step in becoming a great conversationalist is becoming invested in the conversation and actively working to help the other person feel comfortable.

BUSINESS ICEBREAKERS 1. Describe a typical day on the job. 2. How did you come up with this idea? 3. What got you started in this industry/area of practice? 4. What got you interested in marketing/research/teaching? 5. What do you enjoy most about your profession? 6. What separates you and your firm from your competition? 7. Why does your company______? 8. Describe some of the challenges of your profession. 9. What do you see as the coming trends in your business? 10. What ways have you found to be most effective for promoting your business?

11. Describe your most important work experience. 12. What advice would you give someone just starting in your business? 13. What one thing would you do if you knew you could not fail? 14. What significant changes have you seen take place in your business since your start? 15. Describe the strangest incident you’ve experienced in your business. 16. What was the best job you ever had? What was the worst? 17. What’s the most difficult part of your job? 18. How has the Internet impacted your work/profession? 19. Do you know someone who can help me ______? 20. Describe how the economy/election/summer impacts your work.

SOCIAL/GENERAL ICEBREAKERS 1. What do you think of the movie/restaurant/party? 2. Tell me about the best vacation you’ve ever taken. 3. What’s your favorite thing to do on a rainy day? 4. If you could replay any moment in your life, what would it be? 5. What one thing would you really like to own? Why? 6. Tell me about one of your favorite relatives. 7. What was it like in the town where you grew up? 8. What would you lik...

11. What is a typical day like for you? 12. Of all the places you’ve lived, tell me about the one you like the best. 13. What’s your favorite holiday? What do you enjoy about it? 14. What are some of your family traditions that you particularly enjoy? 15. Tell me about the first car you ever bought. 16. How has the Internet affected your life? 17. Who were your idols as a kid? Have they changed? 18. Describe a memorable teacher you ...

21. Tell me why you were named ______. What is the origin of your last name? 22. Tell me about a place you’ve visited that you hope never to return to. 23. What’s the best surprise you’ve ever received? 24. What’s the neatest surprise you’ve ever planned and pulled off for someone else? 25. Skiing here is always challenging. What are some of your favorite places to ski? 26. Who would star as you in a movie about your life? Why that person? 27. Who is the most famous person you’ve met? 28. Tell me about some of your ...

31. Tell me about a political position you’d like to hold. 32. What song reminds you of an incident in your life? 33. What’s the most memorable meal you’ve eaten? 34. What’s the most unforgettable coincidence you’ve experienced or heard about? 35. How are you able to tell if that melon is ripe? 36. What motion picture star would you like to interview? Why? 37. Tell me about your family. 38. What aroma brings forth...

41. Tell me about a childhood friend who used to get you in trouble. 42. Tell me about a time when you had too much to eat or drink. 43. Describe your first away-from-home living quarters or experience. 44. Tell me about a time that you lost a job. 45. Share a memory of one of your grandparents. 46. Describe an embarrassing moment you’ve had. 47. Tell me something most people would never guess about you. 48. What would you do if you won...

the power of small talk. It is not about an agenda but is simply a way to acknowledge a person as being very real and there.

the best part is that it puts you in charge of your own destiny. Instead of waiting for someone—anyone—to talk to you, you choose your conversation partner.

The rules are simple. When someone gives you a smile, you are naturally inclined to smile back. Be the first to smile and greet another person. That’s pretty easy. Just a smile and a few words, and it’s done. Be sure that you make eye contact. That simple act is the beginning of establishing rapport.

She discovered that the best way to get people comfortable enough to open up and express themselves was to look them in the eye and ask What’s your name? Making eye contact and placing the emphasis on the word your, rather than the word name, signaled to the person that they were important.

Make it a point to remember the other person’s name; learning and using names is probably the single most important rule of good conversation, so stay focused during the introduction. Repeat the name back in your greeting.

If you do get distracted during the introduction and miss the name, confess! Don’t go through the whole conversation pretending you know the person’s name. It’s better to say something like Excuse me, I’m not sure I got your name.

It is always preferable to have the other party repeat it than to fake it. Never, ever fake it! This is especially true if, for example, you run into someone you’ve met previously whose name you cannot recall as you are standing in line at the movie theater. Don’t wait for divine inspiration. Say I’m so sorry. I’ve forgotten your name. Please remind me.

Never put off requesting a name reminder before moving on to chatting, or you will regret it.

Assume the burden, tell the truth, and chances are you’ll go on to have a very pleasant conversation.

If you avoid someone because you are embarrassed over having forgotten her name, you’ve just compounded the error with rudeness.

When you take the time to learn another person’s name, you are expressing a sincere interest in that individual that will be warmly received. Conversely, if you get lazy because a person has a difficult name, you are sending a message that it’s not worth your trouble to learn his name.

It’s just as important to give your name when you meet someone—even if you’ve met him or her previously and think they should remember your name. Consider it a random act of kindness.

instead of sitting back and waiting for another kind soul to start a conversation, take the lead.

The approachable person is the one who makes eye contact with you or who is not actively engaged in a conversation or another activity such as reading a newspaper or working at a computer. It’s the solitary person getting a bite to eat, someone sitting alone at a table, or the one crossing the room unescorted.

Make it a point to look around a room when you first enter it. It doesn’t matter what the event is—a meeting, a reception, a baby shower, a party, even a family reunion—there are people standing alone or sitting at an empty table. Don’t wait; make eye contact and be the first to smile.

The more interest you show in me, the more interesting you become to me. The simple act of truly being interested in the other person has an amazing effect on the conversation—it just snowballs!

Remember the following four steps and you are well on your way to an excellent chat. 1. Make eye contact. 2. Smile. 3. Find that approachable person! 4. Offer your name and use theirs.

When you approach a “dancing couple,” wait politely for an interval and then turn to the person you have no desire to speak with and ask for permission to intrude so that you may speak with his or her conversation partner. Most people are too gracious to say no and will give you their permission.

If you are introverted, you will love this part because you stay on the quiet side. Your mission is to get your conversation partners talking about themselves. Most people enjoy the opportunity to share their stories, and if you give them the chance, they’ll start talking. This is a no-brainer route to small talking success.

The key to successfully using open-ended questions is choosing the right question and then following up with another if it’s needed.

OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS • Describe for me . . . • Tell me about . . . • How did you . . . ? • What was that like for you? • What brought you to . . . ? • Why?

These everyday inquiries are just a few other ways of saying hello. It’s almost universally understood that these questions are a form of greeting, not a sincere inquiry. Only in America. In most other cultures and countries How are you? really means How are you? It would be considered rude to ask that question and not expect an answer.

The conversation evaporates—not because there was no place to go with it but because of a lack of follow-up. My husband doesn’t think I really care about his day unless I ask more.

Whenever you begin a dialogue with a question, get ready to dig deeper so that the other person knows you are interested in hearing more. Digging in deeper indicates you truly desire a response and are prepared to invest time in hearing the response.

Psychologist Carl Rogers once said, “The biggest block to personal conversation is one man’s inability to listen intelligently, understandingly, and skillfully to another person.”