More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Debra Fine
Read between
January 2 - January 4, 2021
the speaker is always on the lookout for cues to validate receipt of the message. Visual cues, which offer the easiest form of feedback, let the speaker know you are paying attention. Facial expressions, head nods, and positive body language are clear ways of expressing interest in your conversation partner’s words.
Listening is more than just hearing. It’s a level of involvement that goes beyond reciting the contents of the conversation.
It’s critical to maintain eye contact when you are listening to another person. Don’t look around at what others are doing—stay focused on the conversation at hand.
If you’re uncomfortable maintaining full-on eye contact with your conversation partner, look them right between the eyes. Somehow, this little shift will make both of you feel more comfortable.
You can also increase the comfort level of your conversation partner by modifying your own style to be more similar to hers.
When you paraphrase what’s been said, or repeat the specifics of what you have heard, there can be no doubt that you have listened and understood the speaker. This is especially effective when you are disagreeing with your conversation partner or have listened to her explain something highly complex or technical.
In an emotionally charged situation, you gain a side benefit of defusing anger when you repeat the specifics of what the other person stated. People naturally calm down when they realize they’ve been understood.
Ten Tips for Tip-Top Listening 1. Learn to want to listen. You must have the desire, interest, concentration, and self-discipline. 2. To be a good listener, give verbal and visual cues that you are listening. 3. Anticipate excellence. We get good information more often when we expect it. 4. Become a “whole body” listener: Listen with your ears, your eyes, and your heart. 5. Take notes. They aid retention. 6. Listen now, report later. Plan to tell someone what you heard, and you will remember it better. 7. Build rapport by pacing the speaker. Approximate the speaker’s gestures, facial
...more
Your job as a conversation partner is to listen when the other person is speaking. This isn’t optional—it’s a required courtesy when conversing.
With Acquaintances Use • Bring me up to date on . . . • What’s been going on with work since I last saw you? • What has changed in your life since we spoke last? • How’s your year been? • What’s new with the family?
Prepare for a conversation like you’d prepare for an interview—both as the interviewer and the interviewee.
Asking appropriate questions and making appropriate comments is one of the easiest ways to keep the conversation chugging seamlessly along.
Regardless of how many appropriate questions you have on hand, sooner or later you must talk about yourself. The rules of good conversation require give and take. If you only ask questions, your conversation partner will resent the lack of parity.
First, disclose information about yourself that is comfortable and uncontroversial. Lead with easy, positive, and light information. Building trust and intimacy over time creates friendships.
Having a conversation is a little like peeling an onion—you want to proceed in layers, matching the level of intimacy shared by your partner.
Your choice of conversation material should be appropriate to the occasion and to the depth of rapport and intimacy established.
One of the easiest ways to start or keep a conversation going is to compliment another person.
Beware of complimenting appearance in the workplace. In many instances it can be construed as a subtle form of sexual harassment.
If you are not genuinely interested in what the other person is saying, no amount of planning or preparation will save you from a doomed conversation. Interest in someone else cannot be feigned.
A simple rule that garners great rewards is to start conversations with a minimum of three new people a week. In line at the grocery, waiting for a meeting to begin, with your next-door neighbor. Comfort will come with steady practice.
We are what we say, and the true window to our souls is our words. Let your words bespeak the strength within.
Monopolizers have shown that they are candidates for rehabilitation. They have been successful in restoring conversational balance once they realize that talking incessantly is not exactly a favor to everyone else.
There are only three good reasons for interrupting. The first is that you need to exit immediately. The second is that the topic of conversation is too uncomfortable to bear, and you need to change the subject right away. And the third is if you are in the company of a monopolizer who has refused to offer you a natural break in the conversation for more than five minutes.
The truth is, most people don’t want advice—they want empathy and compassion.
Give the gift of listening and offer advice only when it’s solicited.
Acknowledge that what has been said is important. Providing unsolicited advice is not welcome in almost any situation.
If you are at a party or an industry meeting and your goal is to meet people, you must find the courage to leave a conversation in order to accomplish your goals.
When you prepare to depart a conversation, recall why you originally connected with your conversation partner and bring the conversation back to that topic. Doing so will allow you to make a meaningful connection and then take your leave easily.
• I promised myself that I’d meet three new people before I leave this evening.
Honest and self-improving
By highlighting your own goals, you take the burden off your conversation partner. Your small-talking associate now knows that your need to move on has nothing to do with the quality of time you just spent with that person.
Plimpton said he always carried two drinks. If he found himself talking to someone he wished to escape, he politely excused himself by saying he had to deliver the other drink.
Also, two drinks!
The cardinal rule of the exit is that when you depart, you do what you said you were going to do.
Let’s circulate. I promised myself I’d meet some new people.
Issuing an invitation for your partner to join you on your way to another destination is a very gracious and considerate way to exit. You are still focused on your own agenda, but you haven’t left your associate high and dry.
Thanking others for their time, expertise, or the sheer joy of the conversation is always welcome. You emanate poise and self-confidence when you bid adieu by expressing your gratitude and praising your partner in some way.
You make a lasting impression when you seal a conversation with a handshake. Just that fleeting hand-to-hand moment enhances the rapport you’ve worked hard to establish. Melting away into the crowd discredits your integrity and your intentions.
If you’ve met someone with whom you’d like to further a relationship, the best way to exit is to ask to see him again. Assume the burden of issuing the invitation.
Because the manner in which you exit a conversation leaves a lasting impression, you want to develop finesse with graceful departures. There is nothing mysterious about these techniques, no rocket science required. They are commonsense tips, but they are not common practice.
Fifty Ways to Fuel a Conversation 1. Be the first to say hello. 2. Introduce yourself to others. 3. Take risks and anticipate success. 4. Remember your sense of humor. 5. Practice different ways of starting a conversation.
6. Make an extra effort to remember people’s names. 7. Ask a person’s name if you’ve forgotten it. 8. Show curiosity and sincere interest in finding out about others. 9. Tell others about the important events in your life. Don’t wait for them to draw it out. 10. Demonstrate that you are listening by restating their comments in another way.
11. Communicate enthusiasm and excitement about your subjects and life in general. 12. Go out of your way to try to meet new people wherever you are. 13. Accept a person’s right to be an individual with different ideas and beliefs. 14. Let the natural person in you come out when talking with othe...
This highlight has been truncated due to consecutive passage length restrictions.
16. Reintroduce yourself to someone who is likely to have forgotten your name. 17. Be ready to tell others something interesting or challenging about what you do. 18. Be aware of open and closed body language. 19. Smile, make eye contact, offer a handshake, and go ...
This highlight has been truncated due to consecutive passage length restrictions.
21. Seek common interests, goals, and experiences with the people you meet. 22. Make an effort to help people if you can. 23. Let others play the expert. 24. Be open to answering common ritualistic questio...
This highlight has been truncated due to consecutive passage length restrictions.
26. See that the time is balanced between giving and receiving information. 27. Be able to speak about a variety of topics and subjects. 28. Keep up to date on current events and issues that affect our lives. 29. Be willing to express your feelings, opinions, and emotions to others. 30. Use “I” ...
This highlight has been truncated due to consecutive passage length restrictions.
31. Visually show others that you are enjoying your conversation with them. 32. Be ready to issue invitations to others to join you for other events/activities to further the relationship. 33. Find ways to keep in touch with friends and acquaintances you meet. 34. Seek out others’ opinions. 35. Look for the positive in those you meet.
36. Start and end your conversations with the person’s name and a handshake or warm greeting. 37. Take the time to be friendly with your neighbors and coworkers. 38. Let others know that you would like to get to know them better. 39. Ask others about things that they have told you in previous conversations. 40. Listen carefully for free information.
41. Be ready to ask open-ended questions to learn more. 42. Change the topic of conversation when it has run its course. 43. Always search for the things that really get another excited. 44. Compliment others about what they are wearing, doing, or saying. ...
This highlight has been truncated due to consecutive passage length restrictions.
46. Make an effort to see and talk to people you enjoy. 47. When you tell a story, present the main point first and then add the supporting details. 48. Include everyone in the group in conversation whenever possible. 49. Look for signs of boredom or lack of interest from your...
This highlight has been truncated due to consecutive passage length restrictions.
The ability to talk easily with anyone is a learned skill, not a personality trait. Acquiring it will help you develop rapport with people and leave a positive impression that lasts longer than an exchange of business cards.
Comment on her response rather than asking a predictable follow-up question like Where do you like to go? It takes a higher level of listening to make a follow-up comment than it does to ask a follow-up question.
