How to Change: The Science of Getting from Where You Are to Where You Want to Be

by Katy Milkman

unsolicited advice is so often perceived as criticism.

the way our expectations can shape our reality.

Our expectations shape our outcomes.

how we think about something affects how it is.

believing a useless sugar pill is medication alleviates many maladies,

believing that people expect you to do well on a test can improve your score.

our expectations about what will happen can influence what actually happens in four key ways. First, our beliefs can change our emotions.

Our beliefs can also redirect our attention.

beliefs can affect our physiology—not just through our emotions, but directly.

By changing our emotions, our attention, our motivation, and our physiology, our beliefs can powerfully shape our experiences.

George Dantzig.

George had solved two “unsolvable” open problems in statistical theory because he believed they were merely difficult homework assignments with known answers.

Because George believed he was supposed to find a solution, he did. Because the housekeepers in Alia and Ellen’s study viewed their work as exercise, they treated it that way, with positive consequences for their health. What we think we’re capable of is crucial when it comes to behavior change.

Next to the unwavering love of my parents, there was probably nothing I felt more secure about in my twenties than the fact that my adviser believed I was destined for success.

RECOVERING FROM FAILURE

When pursuing a goal, it can be easy to get discouraged. Research on the aptly named “what-the-hell effect” has demonstrated that even small failures, such as missing a daily diet goal by a few calories, can lead to downward spirals in behavior—such as eating a whole apple pie.

A minor mistake can tank your confidence, making you believe you’ll never succeed. Unfortunately, the more ambitious your goals, the higher the risk of a small but ultimately devastating failure.

if we allow ourselves the occasional do-over, we might avoid crises of confidence when we encounter inevitable setbacks.

The chance to declare an emergency proved invaluable. A whopping 53 percent of those in the mulligan group hit their goal, compared with just 26 percent in the (objectively identical) easy category and 21 percent of participants with the seven-days-per-week goal.

lots of programs aimed at healthier eating incorporate similar ideas into their design, allowing “goal cushions” and “cheat meals” so that self-confidence survives small mistakes.

elastic habits

Allowing for emergencies is another way of preventing excess rigidity from torpedoing successful attempts at change. It gives your ego a means of bouncing back from the inevitable, occasional failure.

Another way to prepare for unavoidable disappointments on the path to change is by having a proper understanding of what...

having a “growth mind-set”—the belief that abilities, including intelligence, are not fixed and that effort influences a person’s potential—predicts success.

self-affirmation—focusing on personal experiences that make us feel successful or proud—can improve our resilience in response to threats.

sullying

Because the signals we receive from the people around us shape our beliefs about what’s possible, we should take care to surround ourselves with people who will buoy our own beliefs in our potential and support our growth. And when hoping to help others change, we need to provide that same kind of supportive and encouraging mentorship.

we can undermine people’s chances of success by offering them unsolicited advice (which implies we don’t think they have what it takes)

we can boost their likelihood of achievement by asking for their own advice (which conveys confidence and tru...

even the way we compliment people can boost or break their self-confidence. When someone is praised for a “natural” talent, they may develop a fixed mind-set, interpreting failures as a reflection of who they are and accepting defeat. On the other hand, someone who has been praised for their hard work will recognize that effort yields results. So don’t say, “That was a brilliant presentation,” the next time your employee nails a sales pitch. Instead, say, “I’m wowed by the way your pitches just keep improving.”

By surrounding ourselves with supporters, putting ourselves in the position of advice givers, letting ourselves off the hook for small failures, and recognizing that setbacks help us grow, we can overcome self-doubt. As the saying goes, “Believe you can, and you’re halfway there.”

quash

“doolies”)

Consciously or subconsciously, norms create pressure to conform so we won’t experience social discomfort or sanctions but can instead enjoy “fitting in”; and they often also convey information about how to acquire “payoffs” that we might otherwise overlook (such as avoiding a threat).

if everyone in your squadron is studying hard and earning good grades, you’ll feel like a misfit if you don’t hit the books and get some As yourself.

Scott’s findings show just how important it is to be in good company when you hope to achieve big goals and how harmful it can be to have peers who aren’t high achievers.

the people you’ve spent time with have been shaping your behavior your whole life, often without your knowledge.

Everything from our grades to our careers to our financial decisions is shaped, at least in part, by our peers.

squabbles

master a new skill: “copy and paste.” She watched peers who had managed to achieve a goal she wanted to achieve and then deliberately imitated their methods.

“false consensus effect.”

a general tendency humans have to incorrectly assume that other people see and react to the world the same way we do.

i...

wide differences in beliefs, behaviors, and knowledge exist in objective reality.

encouraging people to copy and paste one another’s best life hacks motivated both more exercise and better class preparation in adults who wanted to work out more and college students seeking to improve their grades, respectively.

having any new exercise-boosting technique to copy worked better than just making a plan, regardless of where the technique came from. But interestingly, it was more helpful if people found strategies to copy and paste themselves than if the strategies came from someone else.

we discovered that seeking out exercise hacks to copy and paste led people to find tips that best fit their own lifestyles. What’s more, taking a more active approach to information gathering increased the time participants spent with their role models, increasing their exposure to good habits.

So if you want to get fit, tip books will surely help, but if you can spend some time with fit peers and watch out for ideas, you’ll likely do even better.

When we’re unsure of ourselves, a powerful way the people around us can help boost our capacity and confidence is by showing us what’s possible.

we’re more influenced by observation t...