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November 21, 2024
I had to accept things and help people, even if it harmed me. I did not want to disappoint others. This reflects the number one reason that people avoid setting boundaries: fear of someone getting mad at them.
Fear is not rooted in fact. Fear is rooted in negative thoughts and the story lines in our heads.
Clarity saves relationships.
People don’t know what you want. It’s your job to make it clear. Clarity saves relationships.
Reasons People Don’t Respect Your Boundaries You don’t take yourself seriously. You don’t hold people accountable. You apologize for setting boundaries. You allow too much flexibility. You speak in uncertain terms. You haven’t verbalized your boundaries (they’re all in your head). You assume that stating your boundaries once is enough. You assume that people will figure out what you want and need based on how you act when they violate a boundary.
My Definition of “Boundaries” Boundaries are expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships. Expectations in relationships help you stay mentally and emotionally well. Learning when to say no and when to say yes is also an essential part of feeling comfortable when interacting with others.
The root of self-care is setting boundaries.
If you think about it, the root of self-care is setting boundaries: it’s saying no to something in order to say yes to your own emotional, physical, and mental well-being.
Overwhelmed people have more to do than the time required for their tasks. They are drowning in thoughts about squeezing more into an already packed schedule. This type of busyness is endemic in our culture. Everyone is striving to do more and more. Time is an afterthought. But our well-being is the price. Understanding boundaries is a proactive way to gauge what is truly manageable, and it also allows you to give 100 percent to the task at hand without that nagging sense of feeling overwhelmed all the time.
Feeling taken advantage of, frustrated, irritated, annoyed, and bitter is the result of the resentment we feel when we don’t set limits. Being resentful impacts the way we deal with people. It doesn’t allow us to be our best selves in our relationships. It breeds conflict. It makes us paranoid. It puts up a wall. Long-term resentment affects how we perceive the intentions of others. When we’re resentful, we do things out of obligation to others instead of for the joy of helping. Resentment can be palpable. If
Avoidance is a passive-aggressive way of expressing that you are tired of showing up. Hoping the problem will go away feels like the safest option, but avoidance is a fear-based response. Avoiding a discussion of our expectations doesn’t prevent conflict. It prolongs the inevitable task of setting boundaries.
Understanding Boundaries Creating healthy boundaries leads to feeling safe, loved, calm, and respected. They are an indication of how you allow people to show up for you and how you show up for others. But it doesn’t stop there. The Meaning of Boundaries They are a safeguard to overextending yourself. They are a self-care practice. They define roles in relationships. They communicate acceptable and unacceptable behaviors in relationships. They are parameters for knowing what to expect in relationships. They are a way that you ask people to show up by upholding your needs. They are a way to
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Our family histories and personalities determine how we implement and accept boundaries. If your family operates on unspoken limits or regularly ignores limits, you will probably grow up lacking the communication skills necessary to be assertive about your needs.
There are actually three levels of boundaries.
Porous Porous boundaries are weak or poorly expressed and are unintentionally harmful. They lead to feeling depleted, overextending yourself, depression, anxiety, and unhealthy relationship dynamics.
Rigid At the other extreme, rigid boundaries involve building walls to keep others out as a way to keep yourself safe. But staying safe by locking yourself in is unhealthy and leads to a whole other set of problems. Whereas porous boundaries lead to unhealthy closeness (enmeshment), rigid ones are a self-protective mechanism meant to build distance. This typically comes from a fear of vulnerability or a history of being taken advantage of. People with rigid boundaries do not allow exceptions to their stringent rules even when it would be healthy for them to do so.
Healthy Healthy boundaries are possible when your past doesn’t show up in your present interactions. They require an awareness of your emotional, mental, and physical capacities, combined with clear communication.
Healthy boundaries look like Being clear about your values Listening to your own opinion Sharing with others appropriately Having a healthy vulnerability with people who’ve earned your trust Being comfortable saying no Being comfortable hearing no without taking it personally Examples of healthy boundary setting: Saying no without apologizing because it’s the healthiest choice for you at that moment Supporting people financially, when appropriate, and when you can do so without causing financial harm to yourself
Two Parts to Setting Boundaries It’s true that setting boundaries isn’t easy. Paralyzing fear about how someone might respond can easily hold us back. You might play out awkward interactions in your mind and prepare yourself for the worst possible outcome. But trust me: short-term discomfort for a long-term healthy relationship is worth it every time! Whenever you identify a boundary you’d like to set, remember that there are two steps to the process: communication and action.
Communication Verbally communicating your needs is step one. People cannot accurately assume your boundaries based on your body language or unspoken expectations. When you explicitly state what you expect, there is little room for others to misinterpret what works for you. Assertive statements are the most effective way to do this.
Action The process doesn’t end with the communication. You must uphold what you communicate through your behavior. Betting on the other person to read your mind is a recipe for an unhealthy relationship. Action is required.
It’s hard, I know. But honoring your boundaries through action is the only way most people will understand that you’re serious, which will help the people in your life become serious about your boundaries, too.
Boundaries Are for You and the Other Person
Many people believe that once a limit is set, others will fall in line. Therefore, the person setting it doesn’t take action after communicating it. But this lack of action invites continued violations in the relationship. You will have to put in the work to ensure that your boundaries are respected. It’s your responsibility to follow through on it. The biggest fear around this work is how others will respond,
Common Ways People Respond When You Share Your Boundaries
Common Responses to Boundaries Pushback Limit testing Ignoring Rationalizing and questioning Defensiveness Ghosting Silent treatment Acceptance
Pushback It’s typical for people to be resistant to changes in a relationship. It can be confusing at first. However, if someone respects you, they will respect these changes. We all grow and evolve, and our relationships must do the same.
How to Handle Pushback Acknowledge that you heard the other person’s concern. Restate the boundary you initially set.
Limit Testing Kids do this a lot—it’s part of forming independence when they are little—but adults do it, too. They heard you, but they want to see how much you’re willing to bend.
How to Handle Limit Testing Be clear about the behavior you notice. Name it: “You are testing my limits.”
Do your best to name your boundary without offering an explanation so that you aren’t talked out of it.
Ignoring People ignore boundaries as a passive-aggressive way of pretending
they didn’t hear them. But boundaries should be respected. When people ignore our requests, resentment builds. Over time, this...
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How to Handle Ignoring Restate your boundary. Request that the other person repeat back what you stated. Stress the importance of the change moving forward.
React to ignoring immediately after you notice the issue. If not, the boundary will disappear.
Defensiveness This happens when people feel attacked. Being clear in our wording helps minimize defensiveness. However, some people will respond defensively no matter how you state your expectations and desires. Defensively, people will turn the issue on you because they don’t want to be at fault.
How to Talk to People When They’re Being Defensive Make it about yourself, not them. Use “I” statements. Talk about one issue at a time. Don’t talk about old issues with this person while stating your boundary. Use “feeling” words, such as “When you ____, I feel ____.” Say something in the moment or soon after. Don’t let issues fester for days, weeks, or months. Know your audience. If you can’t talk in person, text or email your thoughts. Truly, some conversations are best had in person. But when you feel you won’t be able to set the boundary face-to-face, set it by any means necessary.
How to Handle Ghosting Send a precise text message or email mentioning the behavior you’re noticing. People are likely to respond because they don’t want to seem upset when they are. Express how the ghosting is making you feel and the concerns you have about the relationship. If receiving a response takes a few days, be clear to restate how the ghosting makes you feel. If you don’t receive a response, remind yourself that their reaction was not about you. It was about their interpretation of the situation.
Verbalize what you notice: “You seem upset. Can we talk about what I said to you?” Be clear about what you perceive to be the issue. Challenge the behavior of the other person. Perhaps offer feedback about why you set the boundary. “I was overwhelmed and unable to add another thing to an already full plate.”
Acceptance Acceptance is the healthy way to respond to boundaries and is a sign of a functional, mutual relationship.
in my experience most people will graciously accept your requests. When people respond in an unhealthy way, it’s typically a sign that you needed limits a long time ago and that you need to reevaluate the relationship to assess whether your needs are being met satisfactorily.
Boundaries grow and expand over time as our needs change.
Setting limits with devices is crucial within relationships and the family system, especially when it comes to children.
Think of a time when someone said no to you. How did you react? Could you have reacted in a healthier way? Think of a time when you wanted to say no but didn’t. How could you have expressed the boundary? How do you think people in your life will respond to your boundaries? Is this based on fact or your own assumptions? What about your past makes you think this? Where are you in need of boundaries right now? List three places or relationships where you would like to set a new one.
Choosing discomfort over resentment. —Brené Brown
According to Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski, the authors of Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, burnout is caused by stress, which they describe as “the neurological and physiological shift that happens in your body when you encounter [triggers].” Burnout is caused by Not knowing when to say no Not knowing how to say no Prioritizing others over yourself People-pleasing Superhero syndrome (“I can do it all”) Unrealistic expectations Not being appreciated for what you do
Not Knowing When to Say No
Not Knowing How to Say No
Prioritizing Others Over Yourself Erica’s daily to-do list didn’t include anything for relaxing or reconnecting to herself. Work, home, and kids were the focus of her days. She was completely missing from her list. Suggested Boundary Erica could schedule time for herself every day, engaging in a quick morning routine. For example: Do a wake-up stretch (two minutes). Meditate or sit quietly (two minutes). Read something inspirational (two minutes).
Write down thoughts and one thing you’re grateful for (two or three minutes). Recite a positive affirmation or intention for the day (one minute). Repeating this plan before bed would also be helpful. Sticking to a morning and evening routine would ensure that Erica had time to connect with herself daily.
