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November 21, 2024
Setting boundaries is new for you and the other person. Allow both of you to acclimate to the latest standards in your relationship.
Boundary Statements: I Want . . . , I Need . . . , I Expect . . . The best boundaries are easy to understand. Starting statements with “I need,” “I want,” or “I expect” helps you stay grounded in the truth of who you are.
What to Avoid When Setting Boundaries Never, Ever, Ever Apologize
Don’t Waver Don’t allow people to get away with violating your boundary even one time. That one time can quickly turn into two, three, or four times. Then you’ll have to start all over.
Common Reasons People Don’t Respect Boundaries You aren’t upholding your boundaries with them. You didn’t speak in a firm tone. You didn’t state a need or an expectation. Your boundaries are flexible. One minute, they’re serious; the next, they aren’t. You assume people will self-correct even if you don’t tell them what you need or want. You believe that stating your boundary once should be enough. You apologize for having boundaries. You issue consequences and don’t stick to them.
Quick Tips for Handling Boundary Violations Tip #1 Speak up in the moment. When you remain silent, you give people the impression that what they said or did is okay with you. What you say doesn’t have to be well-thought-out or perfect. Simply say something like, “I don’t like it.” Saying anything is better than saying nothing.
Tip #2 Verbalize your boundaries with others. Do it organically in conversation, such as “I don’t like it when people come over without calling first.”
Tip #3 If someone violates a boundary you’ve already verbalized, tell them how the violation makes you feel...
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Tip #4 Don’t let people slide—no...
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Review of What to Say and How to Say It There are five ways to communicate a boundary: Passive: Letting it slide. Passive-Aggressive: Acting upset without clearly stating your needs to the other person. Aggressive: Being rigid, inflexible, and demanding about what you need. Manipulation: Coercively attempting to get y...
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Boundaries are assertive steps that you take verbally and behaviorally to create a peaceful life.
A fundamental boundary is learning to listen without offering advice, or asking, “Do you want me to listen or offer some feedback?” Allowing people the opportunity to choose how they want you to engage is a profoundly moving way to support them as they share with you.
It’s true—people may not like the boundaries you set, and they might retaliate by Cutting you off Giving you the silent treatment Manipulating you by trying to talk you out of your boundary Being mean Setting limits won’t disrupt a healthy relationship. If you experience any of the above, know that the damage wasn’t caused by your boundary. The relationship was already unhealthy, and your boundary brought to the surface the issues
The Significance of Having Boundaries with Yourself It’s hard to change your habits if you never change the underlying beliefs that led to your past behavior. You have a new goal and a new plan, but you haven’t changed who you are. —James Clear
love to read articles and books and listen to podcasts about time management. But truthfully, they all say the same thing: manage your distractions, plan wisely, and cut back on things that are a waste of time. Simply put, your boundaries around how you manage your time are the solution to your time-management issues.
The ultimate form of intrinsic motivation is when a habit becomes part of your identity. It’s one thing to say I’m the type of person who wants this. It’s something very different to say I’m the type of person who is this. —James Clear, Atomic Habits
If you’re deep into a relationship where boundaries weren’t discussed up front, get clear about them now, and communicate them to your partner. Based on your feelings about specific issues that have come up between you, you’ll know what areas you need limits in. Watch for resentment, burnout, frustration, settling, uneasiness, and anger. These emotions will guide you directly to where boundaries are needed in your relationship.
We are not indebted to anyone in this life. We are accountable to some, responsible for others. We are never, however, obligated to take the weight of another’s life on our shoulders.
