Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

by Nedra Glover Tawwab

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Suggested Boundary I suggested that Erica start asking herself “Why is this important to me?” and do only what is most important. Sometimes we do things that aren’t important to us but that we believe maintain a particular image of “good parent” or “person who has it all together.”

Superhero Syndrome (I Can Do It All)

Unrealistic Expectations

Realistic expectations don’t lead to stress.

Not Being Appreciated for What You Do

Mental Health and Boundaries

Mental health issues are not the cause of an inability to say no, be assertive, and advocate for ourselves. But this inability can certainly be exacerbated by mental health problems. For example, ruminating, which is replaying thoughts over and over in our heads, is a behavior that comes with some diagnoses. Focusing on how others might respond is one way we ruminate, which impacts our ability to act. Boundary issues are more pronounced with the following mental health problems.

Anxiety

First, let’s take a closer look at anxiety. It’s often triggered by setting unrealistic expectations, the inability to say no, people-pleasing, and the inability to be assertive. When people come to me with anxiety, we begin to dissect the different aspects of their lives and to work on ways to minimize the triggers that cause them to become anxious.

Affirmations for people who struggle with anxiety: “I’m entitled to have expectations.” “In healthy relationships, my desires will be acknowledged and accepted.” “After I set limits, people will remain in a relationship with me.” “I can set standards even through my discomfort.”

Communicating our boundaries isn’t easy, but without it, we set ourselves up for long-term suffering. We simply can’t have a healthy relationship with another person without communicating what’s acceptable and unacceptable to us. If we aren’t proactive about this in our relationships, we can be sure the other person will set their boundaries. That forces us to operate by their rules and their rules only.

Boundaries are not unspoken rules.

Common sense is based on our own life experiences, however, and it isn’t the same for everyone. That’s why it’s essential to communicate and not assume that people are aware of our expectations in relationships. We must inform others of our limits and take responsibility for upholding them.

What’s Keeping Us from Having Healthy Boundaries? It’s your responsibility to tell people how burdened you are in your relationships.

“It’s Them, Not Me” For our relationships to improve, we assume that the other person has to change. We’re unaware of the aspects that are within our control, such as setting boundaries. But when we do set boundaries, our relationships change because we’ve changed what we’re willing to tolerate. “We

There’s more to boundaries than saying no.

We Focus on the Worst-Case Scenario Despite the fact that the worst-case scenario is often the least likely to occur, our fears of the worst tend to keep us from setting boundaries. Here are some typical worst-case-scenario thoughts: “What if they get mad at me?” “What if they want nothing to do with me?” “What if I lose a friend/family member?” “What if I say the wrong thing?”

Worst-case-scenario thinking is fear-based, and it’s the wrong hypothesis about what is most likely to happen. We can’t predict the future. We can’t predict how people will respond to our boundaries. The only thing we’re able to control is our own behavior. Our biggest fear is that we’ll lose people, so we tolerate boundary issues to maintain our relationships.

Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.

Thought Patterns That Stop Us from Setting Boundaries 9 Potential Reasons Why You Can’t Sufficiently Set a Boundary You fear being mean. You fear being rude. You’re a people-pleaser. You’re anxious about future interactions after a boundary has been set. You feel powerless (and not sure that boundaries will help). You get your value from helping others. You project your feelings about being told no onto others. You have no clue where to start.

The hardest thing about implementing boundaries is accepting that some people won’t like, understand, or agree with yours. Once you grow beyond pleasing others, setting your standards becomes easier. Not being liked by everyone is a small consequence when you consider the overall reward of healthier relationships.

you state that you’ll behave awkwardly during your next encounter, you will. What if you continued the relationship normally instead? State your boundary, and proceed with typical business. You can’t control how your request is received, but you can choose to behave in a healthy way afterward. Maintaining a level of normalcy will help keep future encounters healthy. Do your part. Model the behavior you’d like to see in the relationship.

Boundaries are a way of advocating for yourself. Boundaries are a way to maintain the health and integrity of a relationship. Boundaries are an excellent way of saying “Hey, I like you so much. I want us to work on a few things.” Boundaries are a way of saying “I love myself.”

Don’t betray yourself to please others. Setting boundaries is not a betrayal of your family, friends, partner, work, or anyone or anything else. Not setting them, however, is a betrayal of yourself. Don’t betray yourself to please others. Changing the way you think about setting limits helps manage the discomfort associated with setting them.

Examples of Intellectual Boundary Violations Calling someone names for their beliefs or opinions Yelling during disagreements Ridiculing someone for their views and thoughts Dismissing someone because of disagreements Demeaning a child’s mother/father in front of a child Telling children about problems they aren’t emotionally capable of handling Setting an intellectual boundary sounds like this: “You can disagree without being mean or rude.” “I don’t think this is an appropriate conversation to have with a child.” “I won’t talk to you if you keep raising your voice.” “That was a mean joke; I’m offended.” “I just said something, and you dismissed me. Why?”

Here are a few ways to honor your emotional boundaries: Ask people if they want you to just listen, or if they’re looking for feedback. This will help you determine whether or not to offer suggestions.

Share only with people you trust who can indeed hold space for your emotions.

Here are a few ways to honor your material boundaries: Do not loan things to people who’ve demonstrated that they will not respect your possessions. Share your expectations for your possessions up front.

If you don’t have time for something that you want to do, you don’t have healthy boundaries with time.

Here are a few ways to honor your time boundaries: Before you say yes to a request, check your calendar to make sure you’re not overcommitting. Don’t try to squeeze in another event or task, or you’ll be upset about doing so. When you’re busy, allow calls to go to voicemail and texts or emails to go unread until it’s convenient for you to respond.

It’s vital not to take ownership of how others treat you or to make excuses for their behavior. How they treat you is about who they are, not who you are.

You don’t have to be boundaryless to be loved.

In seeing clients for more than a decade, I’ve found that passive-aggressiveness is the number one way we communicate our feelings and needs. When people describe their passive-aggressive behavior, I say, “So you haven’t communicated your need, but you’ve acted it out?” The problem is that people can’t guess our needs based on our actions. They may not know what our behavior means or even notice that we’re trying to communicate something new. Our desires simply have to be verbalized.

Passive-aggressiveness is a way we resist directly setting boundaries. To avoid confrontation, we hope the other person will figure out what they’re doing wrong and self-correct their behaviors through our indirect actions. But we don’t get what we want by pretending to be unbothered and avoiding the straightforward expression of our needs. Being indirect is counterproductive because our needs go unmet. This only makes us more frustrated and overwhelmed in our interactions with others.

mother about Paul’s drinking, she’d say, “It’s so hard for him. Work is tough, and he’s sensitive.” She made excuses for Paul because she pitied him. Assertiveness Is the Way When someone is assertive, they will think something like this: “I know what my needs are, and I will communicate them to you.” The healthiest way to communicate your boundaries is to be assertive. In contrast to all the forms of ineffective communication previously mentioned, assertiveness is how you clearly and directly state your needs. Assertiveness involves communicating your feelings openly and without attacking others. It isn’t demanding. Instead, it’s a way of commanding that people hear you. More examples of assertiveness: Saying no to anything you don’t want to do Telling people how you feel as a result of their behavior Sharing your honest thoughts about your experiences Responding in the moment Instead of talking to a third party, talking directly to the person you have issues with Making your expectations clear up front instead of assuming people will figure them out Working on boundaries means also working on your ability to be assertive. Share them without being passive, manipulative, aggressive, or passive-aggressive. If you want to set healthy boundaries, you must do so assertively.

How to Successfully Communicate a Boundary

Step #1 Be clear. Do your best to be as straightforward as possible. Mind your tone—don’t yell or whisper. People will miss the boundary if you use complicated words or jargon. Take a deep, deep breath, and focus on being precise.

Step #2 Directly state your need or request, or say no. Don’t just mention what you don’t like; ask for what you need or want. Identify your expectations, or decline the offer.

Step #3 Dealing with the discomfort that happens as a result of setting boundaries is the hardest part. Discomfort is the number one reason we want to bypass setting them. It’s

common afterward to feel guilty, afraid, sad, remorseful, or awkward.

But the bottom line is that it’s okay to ask for what you want. Stating your needs is healthy. And you can speak up for yourself without being disrespectful.

If you’re feeling guilty, here are some reminders: It’s healthy for you to have boundaries. Other people have boundaries that you respect. Setting boundaries is a sign of a healthy relationship. If boundaries ruin a relationship, your relationship was on the cusp of ending anyway.

Finally, if guilt is bothering you, engage in your favorite self-care practice, and do a few grounding techniques such as meditation or yoga.

Remorse “Did I say the wrong thing?” We wonder if we went too far, came across harshly, or even alienated the other person entirely. Immediately after stating our boundary, we may think, “What did I just say?” It’s true that words can’t be unsaid. However, expressing something that’s difficult can also save and improve your relationships. Be brave and state your boundary; it could change your life in numerous positive ways.

Remind yourself, “Just act normal.” Stay grounded in the understanding that setting boundaries doesn’t make you a bad person but a healthy one. Recognize that you have done something good for yourself. Do what you would typically do in the relationship. If you talk to the person daily, call them the next day. Assuming that the energy between you will become weird will create the exact uncomfortable tone you wanted to avoid. So assume that people will honor your boundaries, and act accordingly.

Ways to Communicate Boundaries In Current Relationships Identify the areas in which you need limits. State your needs clearly. Don’t explain yourself or provide a detailed story about what’s behind your request. Be consistent in upholding your boundaries. Restate your needs when necessary.

In New Relationships Mention what you want casually in conversations as you’re getting to know people.

Have an open discussion about why having your needs met is important to you. Be clear about your expectations. The first time someone violates your boundaries, let them know that a violation occurred. Restate your needs.

The Acclimation Period Allow time for people to adjust to your boundaries. If you’ve tolerated certain problematic behaviors in the past, the other person will likely be shocked.