Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

by Nedra Glover Tawwab

Beyond “I love you; you love me,” Malcolm and Nicole had never talked about what each considered acceptable behavior in the relationship.

If she was assertive, she might say something like “Be home by five o’clock so you can cook dinner for us, or grab something while you’re out.”

Nicole was burned out, so she’d say things like “I’m tired of being the one to ____” and “I’m always considering what Malcolm wants.” She felt as though she was giving a lot and getting very little in return.

Ok relatable???

When they made clear requests, the couple noticed a reduction in the frequency and intensity of their arguments.

assume that people know only what you tell them, honor only what you request, and can’t read your mind.

The biggest fear about being honest is that you might scare people away. But this is true only if they aren’t interested in what you present. Therefore, as much as it might hurt, scaring them off is a sign that you’re mismatched.

In fact, I would argue that most relationship issues boil down to communication.

Not only is it important to communicate more, but it’s also important what you communicate about. Having uncomfortable conversations can save relationships. So be willing to talk about issues before they become a problem.

In healthy relationships, communicating your needs is welcomed and respected. In unhealthy relationships, people ignore you, push back, or even challenge your boundaries.

When you’re faced with a challenge in your relationship, ask yourself: What is the real problem? What is my need? How do I need to communicate with my partner? What can I do to ensure that my need is met? What do I want from my partner to meet my needs?

Open communication is a way of holding space to address issues that impact the health of your relationship or the people within it.

For example, you can’t say things like “I hate your mother” and consider that “open.” However, you might say, “I’d like to improve my relationship with your mother because I notice it’s strained. Do you have any suggestions on how to do that?”

Open communication works best when done proactively before a small issue becomes a big problem. Little things can easily add up, so address issues even when you believe them to be “not that big of a deal.”

Telling your partner what you need allows them to honor your boundary. Staying quiet will piss you off.

The first year is about learning to build a life together. During this time, it’s essential to be clear about your individual boundaries as well as your common ones. For example: What do you need? What do the two of you need as a couple?

When couples become parents, their relationship is less romantic, and they become more distant and businesslike with each other as they attend to their kids.

Beyond sexual intimacy, new parents tend to stop saying and doing the little things that please their spouses. Flirty texts are replaced with messages that read like a grocery receipt.

Before having children, it’s essential to communicate the importance of maintaining the integrity of romance in your relationship. After children arrive, remember to focus on the partnership consciously.

children benefit greatly from parents with a healthy relationship. With that in mind, mak...

If porous or rigid boundaries prohibited you from having a healthy partnership, set healthy boundaries now. Commit to getting to know your spouse again, date each other, and spend time together.

If people could learn to communicate what they want earlier in the dating process, many relationships would be happier. A failure to communicate is a missed opportunity to have your needs met.

But it’s okay to have needs, and it’s reasonable to think that your partner would be willing to meet most of your needs. So state them early, because resentment leads to breakups and divorce.

it isn’t the responsibility of one person to fulfill every need you have. For instance, if your partner tends to offer you advice when you just want someone to listen, it may be more helpful to share with a friend. We can’t change people or convince them to be different from the core of who they are, and some needs may feel to your partner like an attempt to change them.

Ruminating is talking about the same issues over and over without trying to problem-solve or work through your frustrations in any real way.

Don’t be dismissive (e.g., “It isn’t so bad” or “You’ll get over it”).

Janine struggled deeply with the need to be liked—not just by certain people, but by everyone. She would bend herself to fit and do whatever kept her in the good graces of others. So if that meant being inauthentic, she tolerated that discomfort. As a people-pleaser, she feared setting limits.

Hahaha

When communicating your needs to your boss, be sure to use “I” language. Make it about you, not them.

work is where people spend the majority of their time, and your time is valuable. Therefore, being comfortable in the space where you spend the most time is essential for your well-being.

!!!

You find yourself constantly checking your phone when you’re supposed to focus on something else.

Yes

You spend excessive amounts of time on your phone. The average person spends about three hours a day on their phone.

THREE HOURS A DAY?????

You regularly use your phone as an escape from working, parenting, completing tasks, or being present with others.

Hahaaha

Today, people often exchange Instagram handles instead of phone numbers. But once you start following someone, how do you stop? The more people you follow, the more you learn about who they are and how they want to present themselves to others.

And it’s hard to unfollow someone you see often in real life.

Ini bener bgt

Instead of grabbing your phone, consider other ways you’d like to spend the first moments of your day, such as journaling, cuddling with your partner, stretching, or brushing your teeth. Find something else to do.

how about cuddling with my dutch wife (guling) instead

A friend of mine told me her young son asked, “Do you love your phone more than me?”

Tebak generasi

Model appropriate device usage for children.

Take notes ppl!

As a result of feeling left out, people question who they are or their importance in the lives of others. If you struggle with FOMO, consider who you follow.

If it’s people you don’t know, think about the impact that following them has had on your mental health. If it’s people you know, don’t allow your ego to get in the way.

It goes both ways, however. You can have them, and the other party may also have them. For example, your boss may have a boundary that you show up five minutes early to meetings, and you may have one that you don’t work on weekends.

Manifesting

I constantly work with my clients to depersonalize events and interactions with others. When we personalize, we negate the personal story and history of the other people involved. Personalizing assumes that everything is about us.

If your boundary is in direct conflict with someone else’s, it’s essential to evaluate which is healthy and will be most helpful for the relationship. Remember, rigid boundaries are not healthy.

If you want to minimize (not eliminate) guilt, change the way you think about the process. Stop thinking about boundaries as mean or wrong; start to believe that they’re a nonnegotiable part of healthy relationships, as well as a self-care and wellness practice.

Persevere with the awareness that your boundaries are not for people to like. They’re for you to remain healthy in your relationships. They’re a way for you to set ground rules for yourself and others.