Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

by Nedra Glover Tawwab

The one thing Eric hadn’t tried in an effort to improve his relationship with his parents was to set boundaries with them. He believed he’d set them by telling his mother, “I don’t like Dad’s drinking” and occasionally ignoring his father’s phone calls. But I gently explained to Eric that these were passive-aggressive attempts.

Oh gitu??

When we passive-aggressively set boundaries, we say something indirectly to the other person, or we speak to someone who isn’t in a position to resolve the issue.

When someone is passive, they think something like this: “I’m uncomfortable sharing my needs. Therefore, I will keep them to myself.”

This is me lol but im tryingggg

Being passive is denying your needs, ignoring them to allow others to be comfortable. People who communicate passively are afraid of how others will perceive their needs—maybe the other person will abandon them—so they do nothing to get their own needs met.

YAALLAH TERTOHOK

Having an issue but not saying anything Allowing people to do and say things with which you disagree Ignoring things that are triggering for you

Wkwkwkwkw

Aggressive communication is attacking another person with harsh, pushy, or demanding words and behaviors, instead of stating what we want.

Waduh

When someone is passive-aggressive, they think something like this: “I will act out how I feel, but I’ll deny how I feel.”

But we don’t get what we want by pretending to be unbothered and avoiding the straightforward expression of our needs. Being indirect is counterproductive because our needs go unmet. This only makes us more frustrated and overwhelmed in our interactions with others.

When someone uses manipulation, they do or say things they hope will cause the other person to feel guilty and do what the manipulator wants: “I will indirectly convince you to do what I want.”

When making a deal, even if unfair, each party is aware of what they’ve agreed to do.

Vivian isn’t intimidated by the fact that Edward has more money than she does. She maintains the standards she sets for herself.

There is no such thing as guilt-free boundaries. Guilt is a part of this process. Guilt typically happens as a result of thinking that what you’re doing is “bad.” It comes from your programming about telling people what you need or want.

Telling kids they’re bad or mean for not complying with a request is manipulative.

If boundaries ruin a relationship, your relationship was on the cusp of ending anyway.

With fear, we assume the worst.

real

Assuming that the energy between you will become weird will create the exact uncomfortable tone you wanted to avoid.

Blurred boundaries occur when we aren’t explicitly clear about what we want, need, or expect from the other person.

A fundamental boundary is learning to listen without offering advice, or asking, “Do you want me to listen or offer some feedback?”

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but someone else’s opinion about your life isn’t more valuable than your own.

Healthy boundaries include statements and actions that promote what you want in a relationship. When you set a boundary, it’s your job to reinforce it.

No matter who initiates the cutoff, it may prompt these feelings: Relief: “I feel better without the stress of the relationship.” Regret: “I knew I shouldn’t have asked them to ____.” Guilt: “It’s all my fault that this happened.” Anger: “I can’t believe they would respond like this.” Sadness: “I miss ____.” The above responses are normal and typical after a relationship ends, even if the response is unsatisfying.

Cutoffs can be a way of caring for yourself on a deeper level, as remaining in a relationship with a person who is unwilling to change can be painful and damaging.

Walls are rigid boundaries through which you intend to protect yourself by keeping people out. With walls, the same rules apply to all people.

Walls are an unhealthy way of protecting yourself, as they are rigid and indiscriminate. Of course, it’s essential to protect yourself from abusive or dangerous situations, but I wouldn’t consider that the same as building walls. Your boundaries are made on a case-by-case basis. When you build walls, you keep everyone out, not just abusive individuals.

Terminating a relationship will mimic the grief process. You’re likely to experience the following: depression, anger, confusion, and bargaining.

Also, instead of referring to yourself as someone who can’t set boundaries, start calling yourself a “boundaried person”—even if you don’t believe it at first. You are who you say you are. Affirming yourself as who you want to be will keep you in the mindset of making changes to implement your boundaries consistently.

Sometimes compromises won’t work, and both parties have to agree to maintain separate boundaries and accept the other person’s stance on the matter.

Sure, she wanted companionship, but she didn’t “need” people. In relationships, she made this known by creating distance.

......

After thirty-two years of “keeping it all together,” however, Amber began to experience an emotional crisis. She found herself crying at work over things that typically wouldn’t bother her. She often became irritated during conversations with her mom. Usually she was able to put on a happy face, but lately she was finding herself distracted and consumed with thoughts about her childhood.

She is me lmao

And as a result of burying her emotions, all her feelings were surfacing at once.

Haha

Vulnerability is our ability to share who we are with others. We feel most comfortable being vulnerable when there is no fear of consequence.

Fearing vulnerability is fearing judgment.

Adalah benar

We fear that if we are vulnerable, people will Think less of us Hurt us again Minimize our trauma Think we’re weak Judge us

BENAR

In your relationship with your partner, whenever you try to speak up for yourself, your voice seems offensive or “stupid.”

Wkwwkw bjir pernah gini lagi

His goals were unattainable because he had unhealthy boundaries with his finances.

Here is a list of some areas where self-boundaries are helpful: Your finances Your time management Your self-care The treatment you allow from others Your thoughts (yes, you can stop talking to yourself in an unkind way, just like you might stop someone else from being mean to you) Your reactions The people you allow in your life

A lack of self-discipline is symbolic of the lack of self-boundaries.

your boundaries around how you manage your time are the solution to your time-management issues.

what’s tolerable in your relationship with them. Tell them and show them how you want to be treated, and model what you want by treating yourself well.

What are your standards for how you speak to yourself—self-talk and inner dialogue—as well as how you talk about yourself in the presence of others?

Turn that energy inward by setting a boundary to speak to yourself in a gentle, kind, and loving way.

If you notice that you attract the same type of person (people) over and over, ask yourself: What is it about me that attracts ____ type of people? What is this person trying to teach me about myself? What am I trying to work through in this relationship?

Recognize that saying no to others is saying yes to yourself. Set a limit by saying no when you can’t honor a request, don’t want to honor it, or doing so will infringe on the time you have for what you enjoy.

incorporate an “I can” narrative. Don’t quit before you start.

With self-betrayal, we dishonor ourselves by failing to live according to our values or failing to show up as an authentic human being.

An essential part of becoming an adult is becoming your own guide.

In some cases, your parents might suggest that setting boundaries is disrespectful. But it isn’t disrespectful when done with care. If you’re afraid of disrespecting your parents, you might feel better sharing why the boundary is important to you.

Most people don’t want to disappoint their parents.

Yet when you don’t set boundaries with your parents, you are the one who becomes disappointed, resentful, and anxious.

Hahahahah

Parents may unknowingly affect their kids negatively by having a contentious relationship with each other. But when we have children with someone, we’re forever connected to them.