Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

by Nedra Glover Tawwab

Anger toward others looks like blaming without personal accountability, adult tantrums (yelling, cursing, rage, crying fits, breaking things, verbal abuse), or an overall apathetic disposition toward others.

Frustration ensues when we’re unable to achieve a goal or get a need met—when we try something and feel that we failed.

Distance doesn’t always solve the problem, so a physical shift is simply not the answer. It’s a mental change that’s required. And then we change our behaviors to align with what we say we need.

But gossip isn’t helpful and only leads to more resentment. It does nothing to improve the relationship or end the behavior that bothers us.

Cutoffs happen as a result of believing that the other person is incapable of change, that they won’t honor our boundary, or that we have let things go so far that we’re no longer interested in repairing the relationship.

Cutting people off may seem like an easy way to resolve relationship issues, but we can’t escape setting limits if we want healthy relationships.

Among his peers, Justin was considered “mature” for his age. They saw him as wise, so they quickly opened up to him.

Wah relate

As he constantly gave to others, Justin never asked for help for himself. He was self-sufficient and self-reliant, and feeling helpless made him uncomfortable.

Why this is so real

Justin needed to learn how to acknowledge his emotional needs and allow others to be there for him. During his parents’ divorce, he came to the conclusion that his needs were too complicated for others and that he was better at giving support than receiving it.

JUSTIN ARE YOU ME?????

Emotional neglect happens when you don’t receive sufficient emotional support from a parent or caregiver. They may not understand a child’s needs, or they may devalue the need to nurture a child’s emotional well-being. People who are emotionally neglected are often confused about what they experienced.

For our relationships to improve, we assume that the other person has to change. We’re unaware of the aspects that are within our control, such as setting boundaries.

He also set boundaries with himself about being more emotionally transparent in his interactions with others.

Working on this!!

We tolerate unhealthy boundaries because we don’t understand our feelings, and we fail to notice the discomfort. We see that something is “off,” but we’re unaware of what is causing the discomfort.

Here are some typical worst-case-scenario thoughts: “What if they get mad at me?” “What if they want nothing to do with me?” “What if I lose a friend/family member?” “What if I say the wrong thing?” “Is setting a boundary petty?” “What if I’m called selfish?” “I don’t think anyone will listen to me.”

Worst-case-scenario thinking is fear-based, and it’s the wrong hypothesis about what is most likely to happen.

Our biggest fear is that we’ll lose people, so we tolerate boundary issues to maintain our relationships.

Real REAL

We may not feel comfortable having difficult conversations, but we can do it. The short-term discomfort of setting a boundary isn’t a reason to continue tolerating the longer-term discomfort of the issues that inevitably result.

We learned whether we could get our needs met based on how our parents and other caretakers responded.

Parents and caregivers typically feel comfortable communicating their expectations to children. But children often feel they don’t have a right to set boundaries for themselves.

Parents who don’t model healthy boundaries inadvertently teach kids unhealthy boundaries.

A parent’s reaction, such as giving the child the silent treatment, dismissing their concerns, or ridiculing the child for having a need, are all equal to communicating that saying no is not okay.

Trauma is any event or life experience that causes you to feel deeply distressed. These events don’t have to be a firsthand experience.

If we feel that we have no other options or way to get out of a particular situation, setting limits may not seem like a reasonable course of action.

Physical abuse and emotional abuse are boundary violations. When people are unaware that this type of treatment is wrong, they may view abuse as an expected part of a relationship.

When victims start to believe they are responsible for their abuse, or when they start to sympathize with the perpetrator, trauma bonding occurs.

When you’re manipulated into believing that the abuse was your fault, it’s a boundary violation.

People who have been abused find it especially challenging to believe that others will be willing to meet their expectations.

The fear of being mean is based on the assumption that you know how the other person will view your words. But assumptions are not facts; they’re hypotheses.

Experiment with assuming that people will fully understand what you say.

The hardest thing about implementing boundaries is accepting that some people won’t like, understand, or agree with yours.

The fear is, “Things will be awkward between us after this.” Well, declaring a fear makes it so. If you state that you’ll behave awkwardly during your next encounter, you will.

Maintaining a level of normalcy will help keep future encounters healthy.

In every relationship, you can set boundaries. It’s a matter of how you set them. Many people find it hardest to communicate expectations to family, but hard doesn’t equal impossible.

denying the impact of life events or trying to reduce their meaning.

When you try to push through a painful experience without feeling your emotions, you prolong the journey of recovery.

Rushing the healing process will also likely lead to repeating the same mistakes.

Boundaries are an excellent way of saying “Hey, I like you so much. I want us to work on a few things.”

:')

Reading someone’s journal or another form of invasion of privacy

Lol nyokap gw

your boundaries are constantly changing. As your needs in life change, your expectations in your relationships will shift as well.

When Alex was young, her father told her that her mother had an affair. Although the information was truthful, it wasn’t appropriate for Alex to know this at a young age. When a parent has an inappropriate conversation like this with a child, it’s an intellectual boundary violation.

Hastag til

For some of us, however, expressing emotions isn’t easy. So when someone belittles your emotions or invalidates your feelings, they are violating your emotional boundaries. This can make you feel uncomfortable the next time you want to express your emotions.

With healthy emotional boundaries, you express your feelings and personal information to others gradually, not all at once.

But oversharing involves telling people information that’s inappropriate based on the context, disclosing someone else’s private information, or providing in-depth personal details in a relationship that hasn’t established that level of disclosure.

macro violations, such as enmeshment, codependency, trauma bonding, and counterdependency can cause long-term damage.

In enmeshed relationships, individualization is not acceptable.

people become emotionally entangled with the feelings and outcomes of others. In codependent relationships, it’s challenging to separate what we feel from what others think and feel.

Codependency usually happens as a result of unhealthy boundaries.

codependency often leads to resentment, burnout, anxiety, depression, loneliness, depletion, and severe mental health issues.

She knew her boyfriend had problems, but she took ownership whenever he became triggered.

Counterdependency happens when we develop rigid boundaries to keep people at an emotional distance.