A Vow of Hate (A Vow of Hate, #1)

by Lylah James

My father always told me that life is about choices; some that are impossible to make, while others we live to regret. But we’re human after all, born to make mistakes. Humans are faulty, we are both good and evil – a perfect yin and yang.

What he forgot to tell me was that… some choices would haunt me forever. A choice I made… A moment of impulsiveness. A destiny I couldn’t rewrite. After all, we can’t stop time, right? And all it took was a second. I killed her that night. My sister. Gracelynn.

My story was tainted from the beginning, tainted by her blood. And her death was a sin for me to bear for the rest of my breathing days. I wasn’t evil, but I was the villain anyway. I pulled th...

The ugliness of life is that sometimes we can’t undo what has been done. It doesn’t matter how devastating the outcome is; we can’t turn back time – can’t change the past – can’t fix the future.

“It is what it is,” my father had said that night. The night I woke up from my coma, bedridden with two broken legs, three fractured ribs, a messed-up spine and a fractured skull… and more scars than I could bear.

One night, four months ago, I made a mistake that ruined more than one life. Since then, I have learned that grief is just a stage o...

But it was the guilt… Guilt was what killed me everyday. Pain became my companion; grief was my nightmare and guilt turned out to be my soulmate.

My window overlooked the stables from behind our mansion. My father’s estate expanded many thousand acres, but this spot used to be my favorite view. Except now, it was nothing but a bitter reminder. How could our lives change so quickly in merely four months? If only we hadn’t sneaked out… If only I hadn’t been so stubborn… If only I hadn’t been driving that night…

My hand came up, trembling as I touched the black veil. The thin fabric started from below my eyes and hid the rest of my face. I kept my black hair down, with bangs that I never had before, keeping my forehead covered. Only my eyes were visible. I hear she’s ugly now, that’s why she hides behind the veil, the whispers would say. It’s good she keeps it covered. I don’t want her to give me nightmares. Beasty, some sneered. The poor girl, others pitied.

My sister – Gracelynn – was still dead. Because of me. And I was still here, alive and breathing when it should had been me in her place.

I still remembered her wide-open, dead eyes. I could still smell the unpleasant odor of metallic copper; our blood and sweat. I still saw her mangled face so vividly in my memories and every time I closed my eyes. I was in that car with her dead body for three hours. Three hours that felt like three extremely long days. I passed out many times, regaining consciousness only to see her bloodied face again and again, while I screamed at her to breathe, to stay alive.

It wasn’t like I could run away from my misery. No, I couldn’t even walk. That accident took more from me than anyone would ever see.

From my peripheral vision, I saw his hands come up and he placed them over the handles of my wheelchair. For the first time, I realized how powerless I was against him. Weak and fragile. He could easily hurt me. And I would let him.

There it was. This was the reason why we were poison together. I killed his love and he wanted vengeance.

“Do you know what date today is?” How could I forget? Killian was still too close. His presence was suffocating. “She was supposed to walk down the aisle today,” he said, deadly and heartless. But I didn’t miss the pain and the longing in his voice.

“Your father said it’ll take you a long time to walk again, if you ever will. With all the necessary therapy, he’s giving you two years.” I swallowed. “Two years…?” “Two years so you can walk down the aisle. Our wedding will be held on this day, two years from now.”

“What if I can’t walk again?” He grinned cruelly. “Then, I’ll drag you down the aisle, on your fucking knees, if I have to.”

“Listen to me very carefully. You will marry me; you will pay for your sins and you will die at my hands.”

He didn’t see that I was already paying for my mistakes. Just like everyone else, Killian didn’t see me. They saw my veil. They saw my sin. No one saw Julianna Romano anymore. They didn’t see my remorse– or that my sister’s ghost haunted me.

My life was already hell. But I still had some kind of control over what Killian could do to me, even though I deserved everything he said. I should pay for my sin. I should suffer. I should die at his hands. It was his right. After all, I killed his heart.

It would have been easy to say that Killian was the villain. But it was far from the truth. He was just another casualty of my mistakes and the end result of my sins. I was the villain in this messy fairy tale.

“I will break you, Julianna Romano.” You can’t break what’s already broken.

I clutched my chest, bearing the pain that seemed to dig itself deeper under my flesh. It wasn’t just my heart that ached. It was my soul that was tormented.

This marriage was his vengeance – the vows would not be of love, but of hatred. His retaliation. My atonement. One imperfect marriage.

A wedding is supposed to be a joyous occasion, a day to be celebrated, where two souls come together. Joined in holy matrimony. Bonded by vows – to love and to cherish. I always imagined something romantic. A grand wedding; the prettiest, most expensive gowns; gorgeous heels that many brides would envy; a lovely veil to put any other veils to shame, and my handsome Prince Charming – my own little fairy tale. But it was just that. A fantasy. A lovely one to dream of, but a fantasy nonetheless.

Because my wedding was nothing short of a cruel reality. In the last two years, Killian and I only crossed paths twice. Once – on our engagement day. The very same day he threw me the ring, so carelessly, so heartlessly. And the second time was yesterday, when I arrived on Isle Rosa-Maria.

Killian, without a single spoken word, had reminded me that Julianna Romano was forgotten. Even while I was still alive, my existence had been rendered to the life of a ghost. Killian Spencer wasn’t just cruel. He was vindictive.

I refused to wear a white veil, for my penance was not over yet. It would last an eternity but wedding or not, I wasn’t going to compromise with my atonement. Salvation came in many ways; absolution was different for every person. But to attain it, sacrifices needed to be made. And I was sacrificing my white veil – my perfect wedding – just so I could taste the remnant of mercy on my tongue.

bear. I just wanted someone to look at me as Julianna Romano. Not to judge, pity or hate. Not as the scarred girl, hiding behind her veil. Not as Gracelynn’s killer. And definitely not as the woman who had ruined Killian’s life.

I wanted to be Julianna again. The girl with a broken heart; the girl who was atoning for her sins; the girl who survived. Not the accident. But the girl who survived the gossips, the cruel words, the sneers, the cold eyes, the heartless resentment and her own self-loathing.

This marriage was a contract – the perfect alliance between a Romano and a Spencer. The only way the two families could benefit from each other. And me? Well, I was collateral damage.

I could hear my sister’s voice echoing in my ears. Jules, she’d say. Jules, she’d cry. Jules, she’d laugh.

“Do you…think she’d ever forgive me?” I whispered, my voice shaking. “She already did,” Selene said. “Gracelynn doesn’t hold grudges and especially not against you. You are the one who hasn’t forgiven yourself yet.” “And my future husband,” I added. Selene huffed. “His opinions don’t count.” My lips twitched, even through the tears. “You really do hate him?” “He made you cry, my precious girl. Of course I hate him and please, for the love of God, don’t start crying. You’ll mess up your mascara!”

“Thank you,” I breathed. “You came into my life when I was five years old. You took care of me and Gracelynn, even though you didn’t have to. Treated us as if we were your own kids.” Selene kissed my cheeks. “It was my pleasure, Jules.”

At ten years old, my life changed in an irrevocable way. I had needed a mother the most and Selene was there, every step of the way, supporting me, encouraging the little girl with a broken heart.

Sure, I could walk again, but I had a limp and was still unstable. My physiotherapist told me that while I could walk, my legs would always be weak and I’d always walk with a slight limp. Running again was not even a possibility. Sometimes, if I were on my feet for too long or walked too fast, my limp was more pronounced.

“As your foster mother, can I give you one last bit of advice?” I nodded, feeling the way my throat closed and burned with unshed tears. “You’re about to become Julianna Spencer, a wife. While you should always have your own best interest at heart, you’re now also responsible for your new family. Their reputation, their image and their well-being.” Selene paused and she nudged my chin up with her index finger, so my head was held high. “Killian is an asshole, true. But you need to be at your very best, so he’ll never be able to point a finger at you or accuse you of lacking something as a wife or a partner. Because we know damn well, he will dig under your skin, find all your flaws and shred you to pieces until your heart is bleeding at his feet. Don’t allow him to do it. No one should ever use your weaknesses against you.”

Selene didn’t know even half of my story… Nobody did, because the only person who knew all my secrets was Gracelynn. And now they were buried with her, staining her grave with my tainted past and the bitterness that came with it.

No one should ever use your weakness against you. Little did she know… Killian was my only weakness.

Sacred vows, a broken past and a tarnished future. Killian and I were bound to break, eventually. No matter the vows we took or the relationship we shared.

There was no honeymoon, but William specifically told Killian that we were supposed to spend some time alone, as husband and wife. Hence, the two weeks on Isle Rosa-Maria. Where there was no paparazzi, no gossips and we would have all the privacy we needed. Dread filled me at the thought. I could only imagine the cruelty I’d go through at the hands of Killian and there would be no one to help me. Not when we were basically locked away from the rest of the world and trapped in, what people called, a haunted castle.

The priest started the vows again, but his words were drowned out as my heart echoed while Killian’s voice rasped in my ear. His own cruel version of our marriage vows. “Killian Spencer, do you take this woman to be your wife, to live together in matrimony–” “I vow to spend the rest of my life making you regret what you did to Gracelynn.” “… To love her, to honor her, to comfort her, to cherish her…” “To hurt you, to break you… and to hate you for the rest of our days. I will never be your protector, never your defender; I vow to be the villain in your story.” “… And to keep her in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, for as long as you both shall live?” “In health and in sickness, through sorrow and pain, for all the days in my life, I will be your worst nightmare.”

I met his gaze without flinching. I had no need to change our vows because while Killian was marrying me for vengeance, I was marrying him for a whole different reason. This was my way of seeking… salvation.

His jaw tightened and I swore, the look in his eyes was deadly. I watched in horror as Killian took a step back. The silence that followed laid on my skin like poison, sinking under my flesh and paralyzing me as Killian walked away. Leaving me at the altar. I watched until he was completely gone, until even his shadow disappeared. There were no whispers. No cameras flashing. Nothing but silence. The priest made a strangling sound in the back of his throat. My father looked absolutely murderous while William gave me a bitter smile.

Julianna Spencer. My new name. My new beginning. Yet it was nothing but bitter.

My wedding ended just like it began. Without any joy, but with much heartbreak.

The guests stared and openly judged. Why the black veil? Killian married her only because he had to. This will be a loveless marriage. He didn’t even bother to lift her veil or kiss her. I wonder if the rumors about her scars are true. Is that why she hides behind a veil? Killian left her at the altar.

They whispered behind my back and gave me the fakest smiles when I locked eyes with them. I kept my head high, gaze unflinching because these people were nothing but vultures. Filthy rich but heartless. They were looking for a weakness and I wasn’t going to let them step over me. Not today and not in this lifetime.

Pain buried its fangs into my flesh, tearing into me, sinking its poison into my veins and I craved it more than I wanted solace or needed salvation. Pain was a dwelling of madness, but it was exactly what kept me sane.

I was very much interested in anything historical, but I never imagined that I’d get married in a real castle and definitely not as beautifully deserted and grand as this one. I itched to explore every corridor, every room and crevice of this place, to let the history of this castle bleed on my fingers. I heard these walls held a tragic love story and it called to me. The echoes of the whispered heartbreak lured me into its depth the moment I stepped foot into this castle.