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God, I was so dumb. I should have kept my distance, should have let him do whatever he wanted. Once he impregnated me, maybe he’d leave me alone. Maybe he’d go away again until I gave birth. That would have been the ideal situation. So why… why did I ask him to spend more time with me? Because I was stupid. Stupid and lonely. And now I had to pay for one more mistake. Because those thirty nights would be absolutely cruel to my heart.
Falling in love is like the sunshine, But our moments are lost in time. Like a drowning lover, Yet again, I fall for thou, But thy heart yearns another. - A
I didn’t want Killian to like me. No, I wanted him to see me as equal, not a vessel or a walking womb for him to be used and then discarded. I was more than that. I was Julianna Romano, my father’s daughter. I was Julianna Spencer, Killian’s wife. I was Julianna. I was Killian’s equal and I needed him to see that.
“You’re not a lady, the same as I’m not a gentleman,” he drawled, loud enough for me to hear him across the table. “You’re right,” I agreed. “We are a perfect lie together, husband.”
I ignored the jab, and the way he seemed to keep calling me Beasty. After my accident, strangers would whisper that name behind my back, giggling and sneering, until it became my label. Now, my dear husband was using it against me in the most vindictive way possible.
Selene had been right. He will dig under your skin, find all your flaws and shred you to pieces until your heart is bleeding at his feet.
Though, the closer we got… The harder it became to protect my lies and my secrets. It was a dangerous game I was playing and if I wasn’t careful, Killian might just end up hating me even more. For the truth was worse than my secrets – and our reality.
Too bad for her, she didn’t realize that she was stuck here, on this island, and this was my kingdom but she wasn’t the queen. Julianna was a martyr. And she was trapped in this golden cage I had built around her. I had her soul in my bare hands and Beasty didn’t even know it.
“Roses are beautiful, but their thorns can make you bleed,” I called out, approaching her from behind. “But you’d know that better than anyone, right?” She straightened, giving the flowers one last look before turning to me. “You won’t bleed if you don’t mess with them. That’s why you don’t pluck roses. Leave them be and they’ll stay beautiful, without causing any lasting harm.”
“Some people are roses, Beasty. Some people are thorns. Here’s the thing, you can’t turn a thorn into a rose petal. A thorn is a thorn, beautiful but unpleasant and painful at the same time. They mingle with the roses, but never let the thorns get to you. For once you’re pricked, you bleed.” “They coexist, together,” she breathed. “What’s a rose without thorns? A wilted rose.”
“What can you do to me that has not already been done?” she muttered softly. “I am your karma,” I growled in her face. “I could tear you apart if I wanted.”
“I’m in your soul, Beasty. I see you for who you are. A villain, my enemy – the reason behind my half-dead heart. I’ve made you weak; I’ve brought out your vulnerability and I’ve used it against you. But you’re so fucking naïve, still standing in front of me, with your stupid act, as if you’re strong. But you’re not, Julianna. I’ve seen the real you. The bleeding you. The you behind this veil, behind that façade, and you know who she is? A feeble creature with bones stained with sin, blood under her fingernails, and soulless eyes. I’m standing in the ashes of who you used to be, Beasty.”
“And you know what’s laughable?” A single tear escaped her eye, sliding down her cheek, hidden behind the veil. “I haven’t even started yet. Your life is mine. Call me a monster, but you’re the one with blood on her hands.”
How ironic. To surrender herself into the arms of the monster she so despised.
“There’s a fine line between love and hate, Killian,” Julianna muttered, her voice soft and broken. “Not for us,” I said. “Not for us,” she agreed.
“It’s boring here, on this island,” Killian responded, his voice shockingly soft, but I didn’t let it fool me. Killian was a dangerous creature. “So, I had to find a new hobby.” “I’m pretty sure that was your way of calling me interesting enough to be Killian Spencer’s hobby.” “Only you would turn an insult into praise.” My lips twitched with a ghost of a smile. “It’s just a unique ability I was born with.”
“Don’t try to understand mine and Julianna’s relationship. What we have is nothing short of destruction. That’s what we are together – pure chaos.”
Before I came to this island, only a handful of people knew of my condition, including my father, sister and Selene. I didn’t see epilepsy as a horrible thing; it was part of my life and I had learned to accept it at a very young age – but it was difficult for my father. He saw it as a weakness – one that could embarrass him. So, I confined at home, in my room, within my four walls.
My father didn’t want anyone to know of my condition, and when I was younger, it was harder to control when or where I had my seizures. Stress triggered them, and unfortunately for me, I stressed easily. And I was also an emotional person. So, I became Julianna – the forgotten daughter.
“I came into your life, bringing tragedy with me,” I whispered. “Love can kill while still keeping you alive to feel it. How deadly it is, how painful, how cruel.”
“If I could go back to change the past… I would have never willing inserted myself into your life, if I knew our story would be filled with such venom. Our beginning was stained and our future is broken.”
Because my truth was that… I fell in love with Killian Spencer when I was seventeen years old. But I only ended up killing his heart.
“They will find your insecurities.” The warning in my voice might have caught her attention because I saw her shoulders pop back and she straightened in her seat. “They will drag your flaws from under your flesh and dig deep into your soul.” “Like you do?” she shot back. “You’re my wife,” I said blandly. “I can do whatever I want but I won’t give anyone else the opportunity to do the same.” “So, you’ll protect me from the vultures?” And now she was mocking me. How brave of her. “I’ll protect you from the vultures and once we are alone–” Julianna cut me off. “You’ll go back to hating me, I
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“A protector with bitter words and a callous heart. I guess I can’t be too picky.” “We’re married. It’s not like you have a choice anymore.”
A protector. To the woman who broke my heart. How ironic.
I had come to a point where it felt like no matter what I said or did, I would never get Killian to understand me. Beg for salvation. I did, on my knees, every night… Atone for your sins. Repent. Marrying Killian and staying in this relationship was my atonement. Redemption is in the hands of the one you have wronged. Too bad for me, the man I had wronged hated me with every ounce of his being. I had come to understand that maybe, I would never find the redemption I was seeking. Not in this lifetime anyway.
“If you’re looking for something out of this marriage, Beasty… then know this, remember this, we are fire and water. A story laced with sin and resentment. We are incapable of being anything other than what we are now. Fire burns; water drowns. And that’s exactly what we are – a catastrophe.”
Our story was made out of broken bones, built on a splintered spine; the pages stained with blood and words cursed with devastation. We were battle worn. And perhaps… if we had met in another lifetime, our story would have been different. Less grief and more tenderness. Perhaps in another lifetime… We would have been just Killian and Julianna – without a past to hold us back. Without tragedy in our veins.
Atone for your sins, Killian had said. But that was exactly what I had been doing for the last three years. Atoning. Until I became a forgotten daughter, an unloved wife and a lost woman.
The tears spilled down my cheeks, drenching my black veil. Ragna was the only thing that truly mattered. The beautiful creature I dreamed of in my fairy tales. I thought that even though there was no prince charming in my story… or a happy ending, at least I had my Ragna.
Sure, I didn’t have a knight in shining armor riding on a white horse to save me from this cursed castle and cursed story. But I didn’t need a knight in shining armor. For I was the one who rode on the white horse. And now… she has been taken away from me. ...
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Days had passed and I felt myself drifting further from reality. It was absolutely terrifying, to feel yourself lose control of your own mind, your own emotions and your own body. To suffer in silence, to breathe through a broken heart – the kind of deep suffering that changes who you are from the inside. You become adrift, lost in a vast ocean of… nothingness. How could emptiness be so heavy? To feel so unworthy of love, to feel so… lost.
The first time I had found myself in a confession box, spilling my fears to the Priest, he had said, atone for your sins. You will find salvation. And so, I had been doing that. For the last three years. Yet, my salvation had only come with more heartbreak.
Selene had been right to warn me about him. She told me Killian would drag out all my vulnerabilities and use my weaknesses against me. I had been a fool to think that I could handle Killian Spencer and come out of this battle unscathed. A fool who had been in love. A fool who believed in second chances in life. A fool who had thought she’d find redemption.
I should have stopped him. I really should have, but it was the way he caressed me that made me pause. Tenderly. Deceptively gentle. Teasingly. Aside from the two kisses we had share, Killian hasn’t touched me in any other way. He had told me very early on that he was disgusted by the idea of touching me; what changed now?
So, I knew… for the sake of my own sanity, I should have stopped him. But I didn’t. Because I was glutton for punishment. And because even though my husband was a brutal man, I craved his touch. Filled with longing, I allowed him to do as he pleased.
Stop him, my mind screamed. Don’t, my body begged. It felt so good, even though it was so wrong. I wanted to cry; I wanted to plead for mercy; I wanted him to stop, but I needed him to continue.
The pulse between my legs was almost unbearable at this point and I feared that I might just orgasm at the table. How horrifying, yet still… I didn’t stop Killian.
It was like all my senses had left me and I was left with a greedy body that needed his caress more than anything.
I was locked away in an ancient castle, with the ghosts of the past coming to haunt me. The old love stories didn’t survive in this cursed castle. How did I think mine would?
Killian’s hatred for me was unstrained… boundless…it was a never-ending calamity of soul-wrenching malice and rage. Loving Killian Spencer was a death sentence. What we had, it was a catastrophe in the making. It wasn’t like I expected a happy ending, anyway. I didn’t deserve a happy ending. I was the villain, after all.
“If I want to fuck you – whenever, wherever and however I want, I will. If I want to hurt you, I will. You are my wife, Julianna. You took vows. To love, to cherish and to obey… till death do us part.” His head cocked to the side, regarding me with such contained ease, it made me mad. “Do you remember my vows, wife?”
“Go ahead. Fuck me,” I hissed, my voice dripping with venom. “Do it. But know… I will never give birth to your child if you force me.”
“You’ll hurt my child?” he said, his voice deceptively soft. I nudged my chin up, meeting his cold eyes without as much of a flinch. “Yes.” “You’ll kill another innocent life because of your selfish needs?” Killian sneered. I laughed bitterly. “No, I will save my baby from having to have a monster as a father.”
“And from having to live a life filled with vicious hate. No child wants to find out he or she was conceived through rape. I’ll be doing the baby a favor because you’re not worthy enough to be my child’s father.”
I had finally accomplished what I had set out to do. I’ve torn through Killian Spencer’s façade. And now… He could move on. With someone other than me. But he’d find love again with someone worthy of him. And that was all that ever mattered. Since the beginning.
Eye contact was the easiest and most powerful way to establish yourself in a crowd of vultures and gossipers. Deliberate eye contact made the other person nervous.
But for the first time in three years, someone other than Grace had looked into my soul and saw me for who I was. How ironic that that woman turned out to be the reason why my heart was dead.
As much as I found vast differences between the two sisters, there were also too many similarities. How could two people be so different yet so alike? It confused me. It maddened me. But insanity was just another word for tragedy. Because no insane lovers ever ended up with a happy ending.
Husband and wife – in name only. But at least we had found a middle-ground. Something we both agreed on. An heir was needed. And once that job was done, we would go our separate ways. Until then, we would be… courteous.
