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Down into the void that was my belly.
“I bet you’re going to have a boy, Shibata. . . . I just have a feeling. . . .” Oh yeah? I was about to say. What makes you so sure?
I was getting heavier. I now weighed nine pounds more than I did before I got pregnant.
Isn’t that what people always did? Go their own way, never even bothering to let you know? One moment they’re there, the next they’re gone. And it all happens so quietly that you don’t even realize they aren’t there anymore.
The raging appetite I’d had going into my second trimester had dropped off a little, and my walks seemed to have brought my weight more or less back to what it had been before.
“It’s gonna be a girl. Pretty sure of it . . .” A girl. And who was this guy to tell me what my imaginary baby was going to be?
I opened up Baby-N-Me and recorded the details of my meals and exercise for the day. Under exercise, I wrote, “Walking, two stations’ worth.” The first chapter in my own blue-light bible.
Meanwhile, the carrots and snow peas simmering in the skillet seemed so full of the promise of life.
“People these days . . . Raising kids when they don’t have enough to look after them. . . . It’s got to be tough. Well, I guess if you’re having kids, you gotta do it early. . . .” Yeah, pregnancy is hard. I nodded.
“Happy New Year!” I said out loud. I was well into my pregnancy now. It was about the time when I was supposed to start talking to the baby.
It’s a boy, it’s a boy. Maybe if I said it to myself enough times, if I really prayed for it, it just might . . .
But now, when I went to put my scarf under my dress, I felt a presence that I hadn’t felt before.
My center of gravity had shifted, and even when I was simply walking along a level surface, I’d find myself stumbling and would have to stop and steady myself. I’d stand there and hold my belly, with a vision of myself flat on the floor. And this wasn’t just on the odd occasion. It happened when I was walking down the shallow steps at the subway station, or when I stepped out onto my balcony. Baby-N-Me confirmed that the bigger your belly, the greater the risk of falling. Hard falls were to be avoided, so excessive weight gain was a no-no. That was it: I had to join that gym.
Ever since I got pregnant, I’d been watching other pregnant women at the station or the supermarket, and sometimes I’d catch sight of a group of two or maybe three moms-to-be, but I’d never seen so many of them gathered together in one place before.
She’s got a baby in there. I gulped nervously as I looked around.
There was something warm moving inside me. As I waited for the light to change, I pulled out my phone and opened Baby-N-Me. I plugged in today’s exercise: mommy aerobics, 50 min.
My belly was getting bigger, and sometimes I felt a pain in my back, but it wasn’t unbearable. Honestly, I was feeling better than I ever had in my life.
what do you want to watch today? After a while, I started feeling like Prime was too demanding, so I found myself turning on the TV for the first time in ages.
He leaned in, practically whispering in my ear. Instinctively, I covered my belly with both hands.
Maybe that’s what making a family is all about: creating an environment in which people make space for one another—maybe without even trying, just naturally, to make sure that nobody’s forgotten.
In elementary school, whenever we finished with the morning assembly or outdoor exercises, I’d come inside, and while I was slipping back into my indoor shoes in the entryway, the world around me would just fade to black.
“Okay, if . . . if you’re sure.” Higashinakano touched my belly with his chapped, childishly small hand. It felt warm. I was no longer padding my shirts. “Wow! What a kick! Your baby’s really in there!” There was a tremor in his voice. The seal was getting closer. Getting bigger by the second. Its plastic eyes starting to shine. The baby’s been kicking so much more lately.
Little feet kept kicking inside of me. Those sweet little feet.
As soon as I walked in, he took one look at my belly and said, “You’re well on your way, aren’t you?”
“That’s strange,” the doctor said, then went silent. Nothing else. I waited for him to explain. “The image is a little fuzzy,” he said, then pulled out his laser pointer. “See? This is your baby. Kicking away. The picture of a healthy baby.” I turned my head to see, and there it was. This little being in the shape of a person. I widened my eyes and concentrated all my thoughts on my belly. “That’s . . . the baby?” “Sure is. Your baby.”
“Hey, did you see that? Your baby’s really moving! Um, are you okay?” Sorry, I’m sorry. . . . I tried to respond, but no words came. There was a baby there. It had a place in the world. It had taken its own form, a human form. Out of nothing.
“Hmm. Well, the rest of the image is clear, but the face is still a blur. Strange. Hold on a minute, okay? I’m pretty sure I can fix this. . . .” “It’s okay, thanks. Let’s stop here. I guess I wasn’t prepared. . . .”
when the doctor hurried out of his office with a picture in his hand. The pale light inside my belly. Tiny hands reaching out to grab something. Little feet eager to leave their mark. So this is the price to pay. For creating another person, for spinning words. I was in pain. Serious pain. There was something inside me, pushing against my intestines, pressing against my lungs, messing with my bones. I doubled over and stroked my arm again and again through my dress.
The nausea hasn’t gone away—and neither has the pain. The baby’s been moving around for some time now, and sometimes I feel a heaviness around my hips, but ever since my last visit to the doctor, the kicking has gotten even stronger. The pain is entirely different now: an intense pressure on my organs that makes me feel like I can’t breathe. Sometimes it’s too painful to move. The baby seems entirely indifferent to my will. When I try to sleep, he starts kicking. Then, when it seems like he’s finally done, he launches into a somersault. When he presses against my bladder or my cervix, the pain
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Inside of me, there’s another person, with a form all his own, moving around as he pleases. It’s like my own body has become foreign to me.
I groaned as the baby landed a perfectly executed dropkick on my bladder. I couldn’t stay seated any longer, so I started pacing around the room.
but the sudden onslaught of kicks ruined any chance of sleep,
I felt a kick. Keep going. One kick, then another, nudging me forward. Slowly, I drew closer.
said. I thought I saw something almost invisible flooding her eyes—and, in that same moment, I felt a dull pain in my lower back.
“They really are! That’s what everybody says.” She held her daughter tight in her arms and looked up. In the darkness of spring, something had burst open. “Everybody says so. ‘You must be so happy,’ ‘You’re so lucky,’ ‘She has your eyes.’ But she doesn’t! She’s always crying! I can’t even get a good look at her face. Well, when I was with my parents, and my mom was holding her, I kind of thought she looked like me. But since we came home? Nothing but crying. She’s always crying. She sleeps sometimes. Just for short stretches, but she sleeps. And that’s when I need to wash her bottles. They
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I felt a tension inside my belly.
“Yeah, his part was simple, right? All he had to do was ejaculate. After that, my body took care of the rest. I got bigger, I threw up, sometimes I couldn’t even move. Sure, sometimes he’d notice and offer support. And, yeah, he cried when Yuri was born, but as far as he’s concerned, he just came inside me, then months later here was this baby girl. I know women are the only ones who can give birth, but once the baby’s born, why the hell should our roles be so different? Breastfeeding, I get, but what about everything else? Don’t tell me you need more time to figure out how to be a dad. Like,
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My belly was getting gradually bigger. I was starting to get used to being pregnant.
After I got pregnant and I started coming home on time,
“Then there’s the other side of it. Why can’t anybody just mind their own business? It’s not like they actually care about you or anything, but they’re still happy to tell you that what you’re doing isn’t right when they should really just stay out of it. They’re so annoying, and I’m so alone—I feel like I might forget who I am.”
“Even if it’s a lie, it’s a place of my own. That’s why I’m going to keep it. It doesn’t need to be a big lie—just big enough for one person. And if I can hold on to that lie inside my heart, if I can keep repeating it to myself, it might lead me somewhere. Somewhere else, somewhere different. If I can do that, maybe I’ll change a little, and maybe the world will, too.”
wisteria.
At the edge of sleep, I remembered. How the scene of the Witch and her kittens—blessed by the wisteria—somehow looked like a painting I’d once seen of the Virgin.
I stroked my belly as I went down the hill. It was a little calmer now than when I’d left my apartment.
My baby dropped a little lower right before Golden Week. According to Baby-N-Me, this wasn’t anything to worry about. It just meant the baby was on its way. It was harder for me to move around now, but it was actually easier to breathe. The kicking wasn’t bothering me so much anymore, my appetite had returned, and I was even sleeping better.
Every time I visit the doctor, he shows me my baby on the screen. He’s gotten clearer with every visit. Last time, he was actually posing for us, making a peace sign. I couldn’t believe it. This baby of mine has to be some kind of genius.
stretch out in my T-shirt, shorts, and sunglasses, closing my eyes and rubbing my belly.
“Feel that sun. This is the life, huh?” I felt my belly move in response.
I squinted at the pale blue light of my phone as I opened Baby-N-Me and wrote down what had happened that day: what I’d eaten, how much I’d exercised, how the baby was doing. Words summoned more words. When I was done, I pressed the save icon and a notification popped up: congratulations! you’ve used baby-n-me 100 days in a row.
As I turned off the TV, the baby kicked in apparent protest. I said back in a firm voice: “Hey, it’s time for Mommy to do a little studying.”
